Seriously, what is with that. He always walks the closest he can to the lockers. one day he's going to grope me. :] but why does he look pissed at me when he's with people, but alone he looks at me with a smile? i wish he were gay. what are the chances of that happening? even if he was, im too apprehensive to say anything to him. it's sad really. i think i rely on him smile and heavenly looks to get me happy. it's like a drug. he lifts me up from the mundane and takes me to heights of euphoria and halcyon days. im exaggerating. but when he touches me, it's like his hand pulled me from the brink of the abyss of depression. His dreams are an escape. ----- all this for a person i dont know. how fucking moronic is that? im a fucking loser. shithead. hes just a stranger. for all i know hes the biggest fucking idiot ever and he'd make my life a living hell. i should get out of the fucking dreamworld and step into the shithole that is reality. how am i supposed to fucking meet anyone if i wont fucking speak. fucking idiot. gawd, why cant i talk. its fucking adam's fault. he made me apprehensive to talk to boys ever fucking again. maybe its my fucking fault for being so dependant. now im relying on ryans fucking talk to get my confidence with guys higher. guys are fucking idiots. can you imagine what gym would be like? a fucking mess. im going to be fucking lonely, in the same fucking class as shittards like jose and adam. gawd. and alex. that fucking poser. just because i talk to sam. im not fucking emo. sometimes i can get weird, but whatever. we talked so fucking much, and all of a sudden he fucking avoids me like im going to fucking hit on him. maybe they all have reasons. i wouldnt want to hang around the fag. in all honesty, would i have not done the same as adam, or alex, or jessica, or any of those people. no, what they have done is not good enough. they are all fucking retards. i am arrogant, they are too. its the way it works. and its best if i leave. i want to leave this "dogville" of my own, and go to places where the world is a little better. i hate comparing myself to Grace. i deserve this. i get what's coming to me. i deserve to get treated like shit, but then bought back by superficial. its ok that no one really CARES about me. how come people can come to me, and im obliged to listen, yet if im sad, yea its not their problem. is there some kind of flaw in these friendships? is nothing mutual?

Why he might like me -He's been looking at me a lot. -He bumps into me a lot while I'm at my locker. -He smiled at me that one time although that might not have been me. Why he wouldn't -He looks away when he notices me. -He almost pushed me out of the way after school. -He's mexican. and far too attractive. -I'm me. -Yeah, I wouldn't say he takes notice of me. eh.

while i crawl into the unknown..cover me i'm going hunting for mystery....cover me im going to prove the impossible really exists. this is really dangerous..cover me but where's all the effort?.... cover me im going to prove the impossible really exists.

its a pill and you've got to take it its a pil that youve got to take i wont rest until you take it its a heart that you made its a heart and the boith of you made it i wont rest until i break it its l'historic i wont rest until i forget about it i wont rest until i dont care its a razor and you make a threat its a razor make a million billion threats and i wont rest cause i heard it all before my behind is a beehive theres a buzz in my backside and i wont rest while you break my will Je Taim the valley i am an orphan to the valley and i wont rest until i forget about it i wont rest until i dont care lalalalalalaa

Dear Jessica: I really hate how you are so pessimistic about everything. How you can "hate" someone and then say you like that person. I hate how you get upset over the most trivial of matters when it happens again, you dont care. I dont like how you are unfaithful to people. I dont like how you have no spiritual substance. I dont like how you point out, directly, matters of which are unimportant. I like you for your mind, but it is far too stubborn; I can't see you as anything other than a conservative in your thoughts. You are what you hate, even if you think, yet say, otherwise.

I think this one will work out good enough....Simplicity. And Privacy. No Friends, and only two settings for Journal Entries. Yaay. So I wish I would move. To Mexico. Brilliance. I would be in the closet, and other stuff. I'd better go to a rich school though. heh ^-^; That way, I could start anew. I wouldn't have to face the same kind of prejiduce I do here. Seriously, I went over the top once, and it will affect me the rest of high school. And...I feel like a servent to my friends, than a friend. I help them, I listen to them, but they won't listen to me, or help me, or talk....Which really is quite unjust. Except maybe like 2 people. But should I expect something back? It would be greedy....It wouldn't be helping. Damn this.