im about to cry. how did it all manage to go wrong.

Goodness! I am not that dumb.

can't you see? she doent want to talk to you. kristin is just avoiding you. and michelle only wants to talk about herself. i dont know where to go. it never meant a thing. so be it

So Gym was eh. Theres a punky black guy there now. eh. -Saaammmerrzzzz. und Betzzy. ... oh .. my... god....Roberto looked so awwww! omg i wanted to hug him.- Ap Euro was eh. -nothinn- Algebra was funny. i like where i sit. They probably hate me for sitting there. -OMG HE LOOKED LIEK HE NEEDED A HUG OMG I WANT HIM MORE NOW KTHNX. and octavio is as suave and sexy as ever.- German was funny..god...hes not staring at me hes not he wont he can't Hes adam...he should not be looking at me.....he hates me...i feel so guilty. i wish i could forgive him, without everyone thinking that i like ihm he asked alicia if i was still gay that could mean many things maybe he wants to talk to me again....why else would he want to know? but ahra said it was just a thoughtless thing.. is it? i dont think it was...it has to have meaning... but hes not. he couldnt care less about me. there is nothing about me to miss, im a horrible friend. -nothing- homeroom i talked to phil. i guess hes just ignoring homophobia. eh. -nothing- lunch was just as always. god. i thought jose smelled niiice. wtfffff. -nothing- english was the same. -shelby called me a fag. mhm- chem boring boring joey ignored me i froze myself in the cold to never arrive to anyone.

Gymnasiym-Boring. -Jessica goes to Shelby, cus dey is much better friends.- Ap Euro-Boringgg -boring, but i saw roburrto and i wanted to pounce on him- Algebra-nothing -roberto . squeeee- geomatry. i swear he was looking at me....god, he was probably just looking over like i do, but im so scared hell hurt me, or that he misses me, for some reason, i dont know why he would, and that ill miss that oppurtunity...he was a good friend..a fun one..ah..i remember those days when i'd just tell him bout the play and he asked to come along...that was great... or those times wed talk about nothing..literally..just sit there till the bell rang, even tho he called me over..i really miss him. i lost him, because of my stupidity...god, i wish i could make things right. but would the friendship have even survived? we werent in many classes and we didnt talk at lunch. he always prefered alex over me. even if i am 'emo' now, and he labels himself same, it doesnt mean we'd match up. hes scared my life, but i yearn for equated pain. theres nothing i can do now. i hope he talks to me. i really really do. -nothin'- homeroom was nothing, then lunch oh boy, i know its rude of me, but i feel above them. i hate this feeling. I AM NOT SUPERIOR. we are equal. i hate this. i feel cleaner, more educated, better, but i hate myself for it. and that guy is such a bigot. he doesnt want to be around black people, yea nice, kthnx. and they dont care if they fail?! i have never been with someone like that. I mean, i get disappointed with A's sometimes. I do not belong there. and roberto...ahhh...i have no chance with him..i just wish that he doesnt think im like icky. -nothing- english was ok, jose was as poseur as ever, and superbowl ads were good, but i hate where i sit. yea, ryan, phil, pawel, all around. how exquisite. mr hunsaker can die, kthnx. -fun- chem was alright. art club, yadda yadda yadda oh, but may i comment on Octavio? Yea, he is super cute... i would do a lot to be his... he just isnt gay. even if he was bi.. no way...he's to poseur mexican gangster to be liberal and openminded. and hes in the dumb classes. WTF is it with me and the superior thing? I hate it, but I expect too much out of me and the people i know. no one can live to my expectations. I expect myself to get such high grades, to be socially acceptible...but i expect more of others. i want them to strive..i work them like dogs to perfect what they have..its good, but i have a problem.

Joey- omfg. you is so hot. you're always smilin + you gots lots of friends. aaahhh funny and hot.... Octyyyyy- OMG you is da hottest hispanic guy out there but you is so wannabe and so stupid, so u internally ugggy, but DAMN Boiiiii, you have that body thats so fuckable and a faceee that makes me wanna lickk you. Adam- kstfu, you is full of acne, have greasy hair, and have a horrrridible personality, im told, but i remember that part of yeee thats hot inside, and omgwtf i think your face is hot, so yea. i should die, sorreeee. Roberto- k, I cant decide if you look ugly or hot, but you is in honors and are funny and stuff and you is hispanic, and you sometimes look so adorable, and i might have th largest chance with you, no matter how small it still may be. Now let's hear the supposed voice of reason against all of those. joey- too oung, and hes fucking straight dude, jsut get over him octy- get over yourself, hes ugly and hes a fucking hispanic who'll never give a fuck about you adam- yea, you think he likes you? fucking retard, remember last year? he's crap, why the fuck would you like him!? idiot. roberto - that idiot with the freaky laugh? yea, hes ugly and stop it anyways, hes out of your reach, and he probably looks at you cause everyone talks the shit about you thats true,

some day Jane S. when you tell me everything it will make me want to take it too far and when you ask me everything I will take it too far the 20 hundred private loops making up my AHHHHHHHHH! Ian Curtis (I can't believe I said it) Wish List via heave and via gasp it will seem like and will actually be just wicked stupid pride oh what will happen will you ever bleat out "DO YA LUV ME, JAMIE STEWART?!" Jane S. I am kidding I'm just kidding

why is i still depressssed? incredible depression. its that narcissm again. from me and everyone. bla bla bla. i shouldnt be envious of michelle but i am. its reminding me of roberttoooo. goodness, i should stop it. look at me, im not appealing. fff. i deserve this.

I lost you.

I feel so fucking useless. It's stupid to require my friends to give me things, but all I got was a book of Emo Poetry. This fucking sucks I didnt even get a Merry christmas or anything. god. I am not doing anything anymore. If i dont deserve presents in the first place, then im going to fucking not do anything at all. im there for their depression, but not the halcyon days. im there when they need someone to talk to, but when i need it, no one's lsitening. or they say they do, but how does it get BACK TO THEM. i never fucking do that. i always stay on topic. i say things. if im there i hug you, and no one does anything to me. how much of a fucking loser am i?! myfriends dont care, exempt Jen. I hate doing all these things for them. i am not a servent...i wasnt meant to attend to you. why cant i be on my own? why cant i leave them alone? i have to be there...