i've really fucked up this time.

I just realized the reason I feel so shitty when I like others is because I see myself as a monster liking someone beautiful

Today I didn't feel like sitting with people for dinner so I took chicken strips back to my room where I procrastinated daydreamed and felt sad until i actually had to start work again.

I THINK WE SHOULD HANG OUT AND BE FRIENDS AND STUFF OR MAYBE SOMETHING MORE BECAUSE YOU SEEM REALLY COOL

Dammit, sadness, insecurity, ugh what exactly is it about me that guys don't like do they like me and i can't tell why have i not gotten any interest in me in years not even from girls, nor from guys do i just need to speak more so that i'm not so secluded? do i need to get to know social cues more? do i need to get rid of any standards? do i need to be a fucking whore? do i need to be more fucking flamboyant already hate myself enough. i hate how not having anyone to love me makes me not love myself. and i thought i was getting there i wish i could get rid of my motherfucking need for someone

I know I think of this too much, but i fucking hate katherine. Receiving her call annoyed me. Her active on facebook annoys me. Everything about her I fucking hate, and I don't like that I concentrate a lot on how much I hate her. I simply just want to think nothing, and have it back to where I didn't know who she was. There is nothing from our friendship I really care for or about. Also I need to stop my rampant daydreams.

I am well now. Of course, I still feel some sadness, sparesely. But I think the remedy was to get rid of the shitty person in my life. Oddly enough, I think the small amount of time that Stephanie and I have been really close has done me loads better than the entirety of Katherine's friendship. I don't think she realizes all I wanted to be happier was to be out more, to meet people. I am a social animal; I love being around people. I was not, never was you. Also: I think I still would like to know Matt. He is so attractive, intelligent, nice. Why would I risk it otherwise? My first impressions are usually spot-on. I should just try more directly, once more? I will. I promise myself.

i'll probably never be content to live alone but i can't remedy it.

in reply to your livejournal: perhaps open up and treat people with courtesy.

i'm feeling better about myself and i am still worrying about you i'm past this shit of feeling sorry for myself i'm accepting people and genuinely liking people i'm not cold and sadistic and i never was you're never going to accept my words but i think you might need to grow up a little bit you hate people too much and find no wrong in it or that is what i feel like this is not a healthy friendship. i enjoy talking to you and spending time with you but i do not want to restrict myself when i am at my upmost to find new people, you restrain me when i attempt to find a relationship, you lambaste me i find no fault in truth, but i still believe in decency but if you like the truth, i think you are destroying me