or maybe this sadness is just alcohol withdrawl?

i'mtrying to become happier, but it seems i function with some allotment of social interactions per week? month? however long, and at renn fayre i exceeded that. did i build myself to be this way? i don't understand why i can't find myself willing to leave my room anymore i fear the outside now and i stay inside, dreaming of talking to others these daydreams are killing me. i can't help it, i want to trust someone i want someone to depend on i'd like someone to cuddle with. i hate knowing it is me i hate knowing what is wrong with me and wanting to change it i can't change, after all these years i am still the same, i have only built structures for predermined events no skills, nothing acquired a fragile stupid thing.

Another crisis moment, i hate being gay i hate being shy i hate myself. i don't understand how i can't be myself completely with any one friend because any aspect of me will be hated i can't help but be an idiot at these talking things, meeting people i wish i could, i so wish i could i don't want to live alone but i can't help it i can't be anything other than self-reliant but that means that i can't function with another and i'll never be fufilled or happy

yes, i suppose i do care for you, mix the feelings i've had for the last few weeks, and yes, we are friends. i feel sad still at my stance as the only one. i am but faint at the thought of this but you hold me back and i cannot commit to you yes, you will hate me for that, but commit only in the sense of time i've devoted too much time to you and though i enjoy the times, it is far too much your arrogance and all my petty complaints from before are there yet. i want to form other friendships and find new people. you do too; why aren't you? i'm the one with more social anxiety and i try to do it. i'm not sure how you can hate me this in a way, find it a fault and find me flimsy and weak i see it as a strength; it requires so much valience even if i don't accomplish much or disappoint myself those are more personal matters. i'm also terrified by a lack of compassion. o, the compassion is there, but only in times of weakness i don't see it otherwise. i know your value of self, i feel it too but even if you value self, and say to value compassion, i don't think they're completely compatible. and i must say, compassion is more important. why don't you love despite all? it is hard, but i see no effort. i still find it entirely odd that i know of you, not details, but i know you and your general mind and yet you know the opposite of me pure details; you know not my mind i know i keep my feelings and thoughts to myself but you aren't prying and i'm not too closed off for that. are you looking? is that reason to keep being friends, even if our knowledge of each other is uneven? ---- i'm becoming more and more terrified of my loneliness not in friendships as before, i have those no partner i will continue feeling weak to want one, but it's been long, and there never were prospects. people love me, yes i see that even but not in the way i want. i thought myself somewhat desirable, but nothing is pointing to this. i just desire love now, but no one to fill it. not sex, i don't need that now but someone to share and sleep with and to talk to when i'm irrational and someone to comfort and someone to listen to for hours. perhaps i need to stop considering myself weak for this. it's an innate human need i just seem incapable of it. and it doesn't help that whenver i just mention a small desire, it appears to elevate in the view of others. i hate being looked down upon. ---

Oh what a tumultuous friendship. how like jessica you are smarter, yes but you must include so much bullshit i admit i'm immature i'm not adult yet, and i make stupid decisions you'll never admit to that oh yes, maybe we are opposites in that way i'll say of myself the opposed, but will never believe it and you freely spout out lies let's talk of your arrogance and how all this falls apart at your knowledge oh what knowledge you have faulty, weak, subjective almost entirely subjective. let's talk of your selfishness, of your vanity let's talk about how these make you a better person of your desire to be of heroic character are you really there? you desire consistency but why? and how do you hold yourself to that? you're perhaps the most inconsistent person and the person most untrue to themselves you value truth and spout nothing but lies you revel in your misery and do nothing for it these are my grievences against you, since you decided it was necessary. i doubt i can forgive you.

there is no such place, so perhaps we have a reason for our long and falling face. ----- friendships wavering, katherine, i do love, probably. or care as a friend, but so much uncertainty in our friendship it is one, isn't it? ---------------------- there is no such place, if i lower mine to yours might you kiss me on the face? ---- i keep thinking of zach and isaac or anyone, really. these cute guys walking around i wish i could adore like the others do my lament is that i won't find anyone probably, not in my favor why must i adore masculinity there is none to adore me ----------------------

it feels silly, but i am comforted by the idea of him. dreams aren't anything to get excited over, no premonition, but i don't feel like i'll be alone forever

who was heee. in my dream, white, black hair. harvard boy, touring europe for a year. i came to him and started talking about being gay, he already seemed smart, and he was, he agreed! we talk and have so much in common, but he being extroverted we talk online and love each other we meet up again in an ice rink? we hold hands and stand close. smiles all around. somebody looking over dispprovingly? afraid of leaving him, he's going to europe.. we explore the underground, looking to see no one's there and we hide but his sister is there with a boss-like person.

selfish, arrogant thoughts. i don't know why i feel hurt when not included. i really like individual friendships; i cannot find those here.yes, people like me. but i am replacable. take me away for a week, no one would have noticed. o, maybe katherine. but she hurts me too, and i don't think she really likes me as a person. kevin, yes, perhaps. but we were never close. sonia, yeah, but i'm not particularly special. i know i am not that special to jade. or at least i feel that. i can go a week without talking and she would not notice. i don't know why this loneliness. i feel so distant, when did i ever feel warm here. how did i. i'm ruining my body. i'm ruining my mind, my relationships, my future. what the fuck am i doing. why am i doing this. i don't understand my actions. i thought i knew myself well. -- i also do not understand how i cannot be so lonely. i thought myself intelligent, nice, funny, attractive. but i guess the first thing people look for everywhere, even here, is the initiation. people are lazy, they find no need to look at the people closely, or start something. i think i just need to find someone to be close with

am i in a class of my own? none like me; never will find companionship. oh thinking too much. it will happen. hopefully.