and now what of zach? it is happening again; small obsession it will end with nothing aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how many months has it been since anything real? or years? lame

Either I fakely or truely did push him aside, but now he is. and now all that pent up sexual frustration is all over oh, of maya and sam nothing will become of it.

fuck jade, she is getting to be tiring incosistent, she has her own friends i dont think i am jealous but even in turmoil now she looks after herself. fuck alex, he's not there to talk anyway oh he says he is but fuck that he doesn't listen. faaaaaaaaaagafffbbbc primal rage

huh it did pass oh man, to talk alex again, curse him curse this i keep telling myself to not like him, but i can't get my mind off of him why does this reside so deep in me something about him ach i dont want this anymore i dont think i've accepted that i'm gay either oh fuck shelby i wonder if alex and him are consorting [ my heart would secretly break, even from so far]

mmm if shelby is gay what is with alex picking to be good friends i dooooo wonder maybe he does like guys it really shouldnt matter june will be over july will pass and then i'll probably never see him again but maybe i wanna cuddle with someone now yeah sure do

why am i killing myself over him i want alex i want alexalexalexalex to be with him "i miss being friends with you" "im sorry i ruined our friendship" "do you want to talk again?" "promise to meet me again. really promise? really really?"

why why why why dont i miss you a lot foreverrr? it is a different story when i see him on crush no obession lustl stst he is there and i almost anticipate some conversation i want him to talk to me but what is it for

Oh, it is beginning to show, and this life will pass, quite quickly

such large groups . . . depressing. never talk, never do. thinking what to do. i hate trying to please. i try too much. and thinking other people hate me. i feel like no one understands me. typical teenager cliche. no one does, though. i feel sad. i kind of want to cry. i dont know what to do or feel just now. i kind of just want someone to hug and sleep next to. hmm stupid relationships. i want one just because i feel insecure with myself and i want someone to know me because it's like no one does and i dont feel safe with anyone. i dont want to be laughed at or hated behind my back. i want to get rid of this feeling so badly.

i need a way to get my sexual frustrations out maybe thats why my mental abilitiles have dwindled. i need to think of other things but i'm scared of myself because i know how easily i can hurt people and how i dont think of anything in the moment or i think too much and dont do anything i should have talked to those people at scholastic bowl and these people are getting boring but then i think that's why im boring too and i wont be anything anywhere but i cant stand being alone so i dont know what to do if i cant get along my mentality is nothing. i havent read enough or well enough, i have not thought scientifically enough, my hand not fit for words, drawings, music. i mean nothing. i dont know if i can change myself but i really want to