• December 7, 2004 listening to: "Speakers Push The Air" by Pretty Girls Make Graves i heard a record and it opened my eyes..... i love this song! it gets me thinking about the conversation that i just had with my mom. i told her that i wished that she had me listen to music when i was a little kid....because she was complaining that i always get on the computer and listen to "that godawful music". ugh i hate that. at least have enough respect for your eldest daughter not to complain when she listens to music. its just that my parents are never listening to music.....they never obsess about it like i do....i could'nt live without music. i'm getting one of those bracelets from hot topic that says music=life. like one of those lance armstrong bracelets. awesome, a twist on something thats the norm. i see everyone with those bracelets, i'm gonna get a cool one of my own. only $1! anyway she thinks that i was saying that i'm screwed up now beceause i did'nt listen to music when i was a kid. uh no...i was just saying that i wished that i had, not that i'm screwed up. i hate fighting with her. why do we have to? i really loathe coming home and fighting with her every night. and sometimes my brother and sister decide to jump in and side with mom....and without dad here on weekdays then its 3 against 1. totally not fair. i'm talking to my friend jessi now. she has her 6-month-old neice with her now and i can hear her....so cute! she calls her mamacita. she says my science teacher said sorry for all the crap he's been giving us....well sorry but ya need to say it to my face....i don't want to hear it through word-of-mouth. it just is'nt the same. so i still have the same regard for him. jerk. lol. shes also saying how my other friend natalie lies all the time...i don't know to believe her......alot of people say that she does all the time though... i was also talking to my other friend kelly (i'm blowing off homework tonight) and she was talking about everyone at the other high school in my town. she was talkin about how everyone now is having sex and all that, and just the stuff thats going on in her life. ugh. mom is talking again about not having christmas. why does she have to be like this?!?! always worrying about everything!!! GOD WILL PROVIDE. at least i hope so. shes just so depressing. and then she says that we might have to turn off the heat right now...because we can't pay the bill. god i HATE being poor............. sorry i just cried a lil bit. god i'm so depressed. and right before my birthday. its tomorrow....and i'm looking forward to it but it looks like i won't get anything for my birthday from my family. not even dinner. i hate this. and i hate crying. at least i have friends, though. and music. and my man. and god. and 1/4 of my family. my dad. the only thing that keeps me sane. i just hope everything will turn out alright. i hope so. but it could be worse i guess.....i just have to buck up like my friend chloe...just keep on truckin. *sigh* i'm listenig to "the scientist" by coldplay. depressing song. but you know...it could be like some of those kids on tv and through charity. they don't even have toothbrushes. nobody said it was easy.....its such a shame for us to part...... lyrics. i always do that. i have my friends....they have always made everything better and i hope they continue to do so. will someone read this? will someone care? will i forget? will a stranger gaze upon this and wonder who i really am? i sound pathetic. i'll forget. i'm going back to the start.....

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