x_miss_red_head_x's Journal

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  • Archives for December 2004
  • i need you to see this place

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 29, 2004 December 28, 2004 listening to: 'Stellar' by Incubus alex called me last night, we just talked for half an hour about random stuff. not as deep as before, and probably the last time. *sigh* i created a myspace thingy, and i have 8 friends. wow. its pretty cool, with a kurt cobain background and nirvana music and all that. i saw meet the fockers last night with my own focker, nick. i FINALLY saw him after, um, too long. it was nice. alex came with us and they met and there was nothing big so....i guess....nothing. at least they talked a little, i think nick is one of the friendliest people i've met, always open to new people. he met ashley and keenan, too. on myspace she said he was "um....kinda hott. i will say no more". i'm left hanging, good thing or bad thing? hm.... nikki is coming over tomorrow, we're gonna chill with ian and david at ian's house (of course). lindsey is coming too, have'nt seen that girl forever. nikki and david get to see each other awww! if only it were the same for me...and it could be i have'nt even asked yet so you NEVER KNOW, do ya? my friend chloe wrote this poem thing on her xanga site, really sad and how her life sucks. i feel for that girl, i hope shes alright. she just puts on a mask every day, and takes it off only for few, and her website. i just want it to end for her. why do humans have to go through the plights that those of their kind pile them with? david, too. his dad pushes him around and he is ALWAYS yelled at. he wants to move in with ashley, i say he gets a divorce from those monsters and does so. parents can make or break a life. usually breaking it. no wonder david plays his guitar all day, to escape. and no wonder chloe writes and draws and is out all the time, to escape from the 18-year old hell she and david are confined to. god, i'm going to treat my kids SO good. i'm going to rock out like ashley and david's parents. they are the best parents i know. anyway, matt's friend drew shot me in the lower back with an aerosoft gun today and it HURTS! ugh.....i kicked matt's ass in front of him hahaha! No Comments
  • sadness after christmas

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 27, 2004 December 26, 2004 listening to: 'elanor rigby' by the beatles god i'm confused. and i'm alone with it. all the lonely people...where do they all belong? well firstly....i just created a profile thing on myspace.com. i was looking at the profiles of people that i know that live here, and i came across my x's new girlfriend's. i'm sorry, but to me she comes across as a ditzy brainless idiot. and there are all her little friends that post on her profile and say they love her and all that, ramblings. i don't get it. and its funny, its all pink and sparkly and blah blah blah, and mine has a gray/black background of kurt cobain keeled over a guitar with red font. its just, opposite. and i'm not saying that i'm such a rebel motherfucker and her a prep because, after all, she DID have an incubus video on her site...but anyway we're just polar opposites, in everything we say and do. alex went across the spectrum when he broke up with me....and to the other side. and what REALLY depressed me is that after every one of her brainless blogs he comes back and posts that he 'loves her sooo much' and all that...... what he used to say to me i just don't get why he lied and said all that stuff and lately i've really tried not to concentrate on it but i just.....can't.... its not that i still like him because i don't, but the fact that he lied, cheated and then dumped me and THEN parades his girlfriend around and completely treats me like SHIT....when i was SOOO good to him...why do i deserve this? what did i do? i don't understand it! things have improved, last night when he left my house with david and ian he stayed behind and said he would call me. we had a long talk that night....politics and religion and all that. i think we connected on an intellectual level, certainly positive in it's own right. i guess. he's human, we all are. and we make mistakes. but repetitively? like he did? i just don't know. maybe i'm the experiment, the girl that just did'nt matter. his way of saying to the world that he is ready to date other girls, and i'm just the beginning and the end. the end. No Comments
  • christmas eve's eve.

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 24, 2004 December 23, 2004 listening to: "the bombs fall" by axes of evil who i am trying to add to the artist list anyway! its not on songmeanings! ugh. goddammit fuck i was typing then it erased. ugh.... dude it was buy one get one free at this store for nag champa incense! yeah man.... i'm gonna smoke out my room now and piss dad off. speaking of which, he still hates the world so this christmas is gonna suck a little bit more now. *sigh* christmas in 2002 sucked ass too. dad got mad at everyone and so then it was'nt as cool. i still remember it....i wrote in my rant notebook about it, and i found it the other day. he got mad about the music at church. hurt his fucking ear. god damn who cares its not our fault! we're just the scapegoats for any feeling or emotion he decides to emit from his inflated head. goooooooood i'm so tired of it! now i'm mad. i had another one of those chest pains today when i was at the other ian's house picking up his guitar stuff. i almost collapsed, it was really scary. hurts like a motherfucker..... anyway i spent the night last night at my friend nicky's. she's awesome.....there was a little party and i did'nt want to go home because of asshole, so she let me stay there. then this morning we got on the bus to the mall and hung out with david, his sister and other ian. then we went to bed bath and beyond and then to costco and then to other ian's house to pick up his stuff. when i spent the night we were up till 2 talking about stuff. she is from another high school, and she was telling me that the people there think that my school is the crack school, their school the pot school, and the other high school the 'try new stuff' school. and another one is the exctacy school. ha! we're like the everything school, there are the ghettos that smoke ciggys and weed, occasionally dipped in meth, and then the rich kids can afford more expensive stuff like crack and x. funny stuff. yeah, it was fun. and now i have ALL my christmas shopping done. i was in a sports store and i wanted to buy a kansas city chiefs keychain for dad since he's from kansas, and their fucking computer was frozen, so i stood there for 10 minutes, then said fuck it and i got him a norah jones cd. he likes her i guess. thats what i get for buying him something for xmas. bullshit! uuuuugggghhhhhhhh...............i want to break something........or smoke or SOMETHING. i don't think i'll ever smoke again.....i'm done with it. it's dumb anyway. lol kinda an oxymoron, huh? No Comments
  • ians

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 21, 2004 December 21, 2004 listening to: "3 away" by Pretty Girls Make Graves just called my shithead boyfriend and he says he was too "busy" to fucking call me all weekend. and tonight he's gonna be at a party right down the street from ian's house (where i am right now) and he might be too "tired" to stop by. fuck him!!! fuck his mom! fuck his fucking dog! i hate him! goddamit i'm so fucking sick of him! why the fuck does he do this fucking shit to me? meanwhile in my surreal life....mom was'nt even going to let me come over here because i had'nt put up any decorations all weekend...and some other shitty made-up reasons. my brother has been out all weekend with his friend, and has he cleaned the bathroom? his room? vacuumed? all the OTHER stuff i did? its so unfair it makes me puke. no fucking wonder i want to get out of my house whenever i can. my dad also threw me across the hall this morning! my knee fucking hurts now, he busted it up. i guess i was being too "sassy" when he wrongfully accused me of some other made-up shit. oh, my bad. i guess i won't defend myslef anymore, because i'll get beat up for it. fuck this fucking world. i hate it. if i did'nt have friends i would probably kill myself. No Comments
  • decorations

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 20, 2004 December 20, 2004 listening to: "Minerva" by The Deftones we're STILL decorating the tree...... just finished wrapping the last of my presents....found a bunch of good deals at hot topic. i think i spent about $100 this year on gifts for people....and i got stuff for like 20 people. pretty good! now i just have to get some snow pants.....i really want these ones from zumiez....limelight ones that will match my coat. i have like $30 dollars left so maybe i could pitch in if i got them for christmas. this morning i told my dad about the stuff i got mom and my brother and sister....and he told me that i should'nt have bought any gifts for them! he said i should save up for amsterdam. what!?! he says he wants to go there in spring. whoa.....that came out of nowhere.....he says i gotta get a passport....thats like $60. so much stuff...... last saturday i payed for the ski bus to the mountain...so yes! i am going snowboarding! ppl are gonna make fun of me cuz its my first year....but oh well....i'll learn well i hope. now there are just rentals.....i don't know what equipment i'm gonna get yet.... i want to go to ian's today but i don't know if mom will let moi.... i went to go see a series of unfortunate events last night...its was a pretty tight movie. kinda weird though. the guy kid is gonna grow up to be HOTT! hes a cutie. i went with my best friend, phenicia, and her boyfriend, who is in a wheelchair! he got injured in a wrestling tournament....poor dude. and his little brother, who i got to sit with in the front with. he's like 8. cute kid. he asked me if he could take of his jacket in the theatre....funny stuff. i guess i would recommend the movie for kids and stuff. i want to go see a horror movie now though....i have'nt seen one in a long time. and shithead nick is too scared to go...moron. No Comments
  • and just like...the movies....

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 20, 2004 December 19, 2004 listening to: "don't call me white" by NOFX muahaha! i don't have to go to school tomorrow! whoop! tonight i'm going to a movie with my best friend and her bf...and maybe gina too. i don't think nick will come...no surprise there. what an asshole! i'm hella mad at him.... okay, i went home with a friend named laura and her sister valerie....gina was with us, she came too. we rode the same bus as nick...but me and gina ended up in back because there was'nt room for us near him. laura and valerie were up in the front with him and his friends....and supposedly his friends were talking shit about me! wtf! this has been going on for awhile but i never really realized it because it was'nt a huge issue....but then i find out that all through this nick DID'NT SAY A WORD. did'nt defend me in any way. what the fuck!?!?! these guys are calling me a slut and saying all this stuff and they don't even know me! how can they say this? i swear to god that on monday i am bitching them out. these little spoiled brats are just jealous that nick got someone and they're still single....that is'nt my fucking fault! they can kiss my ass. and i'm gonna tell them to do so and if they do it again and i hear about it i'll deck them in the fucking face. i guarantee i will...i'm not afraid to show them who's boss. god damn! it pisses me off! and i don't even know them! ahhh! they don't know who they're messing with. i'll mess them the fuck up. No Comments
  • Death

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 16, 2004 December 15, 2004 listening to: "testify" by Rage Against The Machine goddamn! there has been so much death lately. my friend sam's mom died. i think she overdosed on heroin, but i have'nt heard it from sam's mouth herself, so i dont know for sure. and she was doing so well too! i don't want to blow myself up to be more important than i really am...but i have premonitions sometimes...and i had one about sam. no lie...sometimes this happens. i know that people say that to make themselves cool and everything but its the truth. i had a dream that she popped pills till she died, too. i have'nt been able to contact her so i'm worried out of my fuckin mind! god i hope she's alright. i don't want to lose her, shes so awesome. if she died i don't know what i would do. i'm just praying that she stays strong. on another morbid note, in drama class right now we just finished reading the play 'our town'. in the beginning i thought that it was pretty lame, the first act was just everyday life and how it unfolds....waking in the morning and eating and going to school and coming home. but the third act, the last act, was the best. its just really touching...quite morbid but it gets the point across. and i started thinking about if i died right now. who would miss me? what would my family do and say? what would happen to nick? i'm listening to "elanor rigby" by the beatles...good song and at the right time i guess. but what would my last thoughts be? the theme of the play is to "cherish and appreciate every day like its your last" to really "cherish life". what if you knew you would die in a week? would you live differently? buried in the church along with her name...nobody came.... ugh! so depressing. not really depressing i guess but it makes you think. before i read and saw this play i did have a tendency to get that feeling and thought that "THIS IS REAL. i'm really living life!" and i would look at myself as if i was a third person. i would blank out and i would'nt be there for a second...and then i would think about it for the next 5 minutes. :-/ and when i step out the door sometimes i think, "what if this is my last day?". "what if this is the last time that i lock the door, get on the bus and go to school?". nowadays you have to appreciate it, especially after september 11th. such a sad day. people take this for granted. people just grow up and strive to be rich and prosporous....but how long does that last? 50 years, maybe. not long. i want to savor every day....but sometimes i'm just swept up with the strives of others. measuring myself against them. i'm 15. to me, thats short, compared to others. and what do i remember from these 15 years? some stuff, but i have'nt really appreciated everything sometimes. in 15 years i'll be 30. THIRTY. 1/3 of my life gone, memories. maybe some kids, married with a job. this is why old people are so wise. they have lived through it all....they just savor life now that they don't have alot left, and they are just trying to convey that message to us...for us to savor everything before we end up like them; old and partly wasted. i reccomend that whoever reads this goes and sees "Our Town". No Comments
  • back and better than ever

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 15, 2004 December 14, 2004 listening to: "When You Heard You" by The French Kicks Wow! i have been gone for a long time. since wednesday. geez. alot has happened. well i went to vegas. we stayed at the MGM grand...it was awesome! its such a cool place...i really want to go back. it was just me and my dad...and we were there for a night. when i told people that i was there for only one night they freaked out "only one night?!?" uh yeah...i go places for one night all the time....one time i went to san francisco and i went and left the same day. it was still fun....and we got alot of stuff in. chinatown and all that.....and a really cool restaurant called the oriental pearl. but vegas was SO awesome. me and my friend gina are SO going there....even if we're only 16. i know that we would have a blast...i want to go with my mom and gina and her mom...it would still be fun. one of the best parts was the mall inside caesar's palace... the ceiling of the mall changed colors and went from cloudy to night to day all at the same time...it was awesome. i also visited the bellagio, the paris, the luxor, caesar's palace, MGM grand and parts of New York New York. i did'nt get alot in, but we only had so much time there. we totally forgot about the venetian! ahh! next time dad wants to take the family. i guess that would be fun. but when we were on the streets there were some men holding these baseball cards....and they were porno cards! lol! i bet my brother would have a blast with that. i have been wanting to visit the luxor since i was a little girl and i saw it on TV. it was really cool, when i was there i bought a little egyptian cat figurine. cute! i've always been into egyptian stuff....ever since i was in 2nd grade when my dad told me about it. ever since i've been watching documentaries, etc. and i'm just waiting to go myself. although its fake, i did like the mummy. lol. and i've studied all the egyptian gods and the civilization.....i used to read up every book there was on the subject when i was younger. i dont have the time now but the desire remains. i was'nt able to go to school on friday because i got home too late....and i would have had only 2 hours there anyway. i told everyone i would though....that was a bummer for my bf because he had my present. but after school he came over with ian and i went over to his place and i got my present....a dozen red roses! i love them...i put them in my vase on my dresser with some aspirin in the water...i heard somewhere that was good for them. anyway it was really sweet....i got another present but thats my business. :-) i just found out today that he likes the pixies! wow! actual half-good music! lol. so yeah...i got all my presents on my birthday from my friends....gina got me the beyond paradise perfume that i've been wanting forever (it was alot of money and i owe her!), jessi got me a bunch of candy, it got cards from tons of people, my friend ashely got me a shirt that reads 'redhead' in glittery stone thingys and some redhead shampoo and conditioner that i've been looking for..(have you ever noticed that john frieda has sheer blonde and beautiful brunette but NEVER any redhead products? wtf is going on!?) and so that was really cool. on saturday i went to alex's house (my x, by the way) and the band played for us...it was kickass and i had fun....saw some people that i have'nt seen forever. the music was really good. speaking of which, i saw this guy today named derek come to my school, i had'nt seen him forever and he goes to bellingham.....it was really cool but i did'nt have the chance to say hi :-/ i went to a concert/show thingy with him and a bunch of friends once. my bf does'nt listen to hardcore/punk music :-( last friday i saw ocean's twelve, it was pretty awesome. gina said it was'nt as good as ocean's eleven but i havent seen that. mom made chex mix today :-) huh......i'm bored now....i think i'm gonna call david now....have'nt talked to that dude forever. No Comments
  • happy birthday to me!!!

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 09, 2004 December 8, 2004 listening to: "Roulette Dares" by Mars Volta they'll pinprick the witness in ritural contrition..... whenever i think of this song i think of playing tag with my friends at ian's house. dude today was awesome!!! i came to school and my friends had decorated my locker the previous afternoon after school...it was covered with messages saying that i was a cool redheaded irish 15-year-old....sweet. it was so cool...gina gave me the beyond paradise perfume that i've been wanting FOREVER...phenicia gave me a 20-dollar starbucks gift card (the best place ever), rachel gave me one of those livestrong bracelets, laura and valerie gave me a card, so did chloe, jessi gave me a bag of candy and a card....and everyone gave me hugs and love today. natalie, nick, devin and ashely still say they have stuff to give me...so it'll be even more sweet. :-) today was a good day. gina made it so awesome though...she had everyone sing happy birthday to me and hugged me every five minutes telling me she loved me. shes such a cool person. shes just full of energy and life. i love it. i can warm myself by being near her because she just radiates :-) it scared me this morning though....nick did'nt come until second period and i thought that my boyfriend was gonna miss my birthday! but it turns out that he had to walk to school. he felt really bad but it was alright. he was also really sweet today...tellin me i was the 'beautiful birthday princess'. hes such a sweetie...i dont know what i would do without him. and when i came home i got some presents from mom and dad and grandma.....i got $100 from mom and dad! whoop! its amazing i did'nt know that i would get anything...i'm so happy! and then i got $50 from grandma and some makeup and some old jewelry...pretty cool! and to make it even better....we might go to las vegas tomorrow! whoooo hooooooo! the weather in san francisco is kinda crappy.....and we'd be outside the whole time anyway, so we decided to skip that. its gonna be me, my brother and my dad. fun! we're gonna spend the night in the sahara or something like that. AHHH! i can't wait! today was awesome. thank you god. but i have this nagging feeling that i won't make it back.....i always do when i travel. but oh well....everything happens for a reason. if i die, i die. and then you move on. will someone remember me? No Comments
  • december 7

    by x_miss_red_head_x on December 08, 2004 December 7, 2004 listening to: "Speakers Push The Air" by Pretty Girls Make Graves i heard a record and it opened my eyes..... i love this song! it gets me thinking about the conversation that i just had with my mom. i told her that i wished that she had me listen to music when i was a little kid....because she was complaining that i always get on the computer and listen to "that godawful music". ugh i hate that. at least have enough respect for your eldest daughter not to complain when she listens to music. its just that my parents are never listening to music.....they never obsess about it like i do....i could'nt live without music. i'm getting one of those bracelets from hot topic that says music=life. like one of those lance armstrong bracelets. awesome, a twist on something thats the norm. i see everyone with those bracelets, i'm gonna get a cool one of my own. only $1! anyway she thinks that i was saying that i'm screwed up now beceause i did'nt listen to music when i was a kid. uh no...i was just saying that i wished that i had, not that i'm screwed up. i hate fighting with her. why do we have to? i really loathe coming home and fighting with her every night. and sometimes my brother and sister decide to jump in and side with mom....and without dad here on weekdays then its 3 against 1. totally not fair. i'm talking to my friend jessi now. she has her 6-month-old neice with her now and i can hear her....so cute! she calls her mamacita. she says my science teacher said sorry for all the crap he's been giving us....well sorry but ya need to say it to my face....i don't want to hear it through word-of-mouth. it just is'nt the same. so i still have the same regard for him. jerk. lol. shes also saying how my other friend natalie lies all the time...i don't know to believe her......alot of people say that she does all the time though... i was also talking to my other friend kelly (i'm blowing off homework tonight) and she was talking about everyone at the other high school in my town. she was talkin about how everyone now is having sex and all that, and just the stuff thats going on in her life. ugh. mom is talking again about not having christmas. why does she have to be like this?!?! always worrying about everything!!! GOD WILL PROVIDE. at least i hope so. shes just so depressing. and then she says that we might have to turn off the heat right now...because we can't pay the bill. god i HATE being poor............. sorry i just cried a lil bit. god i'm so depressed. and right before my birthday. its tomorrow....and i'm looking forward to it but it looks like i won't get anything for my birthday from my family. not even dinner. i hate this. and i hate crying. at least i have friends, though. and music. and my man. and god. and 1/4 of my family. my dad. the only thing that keeps me sane. i just hope everything will turn out alright. i hope so. but it could be worse i guess.....i just have to buck up like my friend chloe...just keep on truckin. *sigh* i'm listenig to "the scientist" by coldplay. depressing song. but you know...it could be like some of those kids on tv and through charity. they don't even have toothbrushes. nobody said it was easy.....its such a shame for us to part...... lyrics. i always do that. i have my friends....they have always made everything better and i hope they continue to do so. will someone read this? will someone care? will i forget? will a stranger gaze upon this and wonder who i really am? i sound pathetic. i'll forget. i'm going back to the start..... No Comments
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