I just wrote the most ridiculous post. I had to banish it to where I keep all the other crazy posts. I'll just say this is driving me

fucking cuckoo
bonkers
batty
nuts
borderline suicidal
C R A Z Y

and I wish I could see you to straighten this bullshit out.
I really can't recall being any closer to just

---snapping---

since I was nineteen or so.

What the fuck is wrong with me? How did I become so unbalanced? Why aren't you in my arms right now? Why aren't you mine? (I know, because I'm a fucking mess. I get it.)

I just have to laugh when I observe my behavior, because otherwise I'll cry.

surely you realize that if I weren't broken, I would be there by now? I need to fix myself. I don't see how it could possibly benefit you in any way to know all of me right now, truly and without pretense, unless giving me comfort and reassurance is what you want. At the moment, I feel like a needy, clingy child and I hate myself, so unless that's what's going to fix you, I should probably keep it unreal, as it were. But everything you do still moves me. What else could cause me to act so foolishly?

I used to pride myself on being a self-possessed, untouchable ice queen with a virtuous and faithful heart (oh, self-deception!), and now I'm a neurotic, insecure, insincere, disloyal mess. The distinction was that at one time, I was self-possessed and loyal to myself. I let someone break me, and I need to fix that.

I'm pretty sure you don't want me broken--do you?

So, I handled last night pretty well, right? My capacity for self-defeat is nearly pathological. I intentionally sabotage any chance I have of speaking to you by getting out-of-control bizarre drunk. Did we even talk? I think I was probably scary enough to keep you away. I hope I had enough sense not to approach you, because my walls are crumbling and the layers of lies I have constructed are short-circuiting whatever little sanity and reason I have left and I would probably just abruptly say "as you may have already guessed, I'm in love with this image of you I've created which may or may not be anywhere near reality and it's making me insane, so let me take your hand, follow me, let's just start driving. I don't even care where we go. I just need to know if this is real and I don't care who it hurts and what I destroy." Not really the best plan, hmm?

I look forward to shows more than anything else going on in my life right now, but I don't even remember most of the set. Good thing I obnoxiously and conspicuously took a hundred blurry pictures! I sort of wish you had met me under different circumstances so you would understand that this kind of crazy is not baseline for me. Yes, I'm a bit mental in general, but I don't just obsess over a person like a thirteen year old girl. This behavior is a product of this situation, my inability to act on any part of it, and the conflicting forces my inaction creates. I have paranoid delusions that everyone is watching me fall apart and is shocked by my age-inappropriate behavior. Maybe this is actually the case. I really don't know. But when I half-dissociate and observe from outside myself, I am more than a little disturbed by what is going on and I know rationally that I need either to stop or to do something different. If I didn't intentionally make myself ill and enervated by not sleeping enough or by drinking too much, I would have strength either to do something about this or to be angry. I want to break things. I'm too numb to cry. I feel sick and weak and disgusted with myself. I want to see you, talk to you, tell you how insane and stupid I feel, apologize for being a mess and a force of chaos. I would like it better if we were lying on a blanket on the grass in half-shade, half-sun somewhere and you were holding me while I give my confession. This fool is coming undone. At some point, I must wake up and remember how to act like a rational adult. I hope it's soon, because I am about to self-destruct.

you're not bound,
you are free
if you need to leave me

nothing holds you here.

I can't keep you from what you need to do. If you want escape, just walk away.
whatever you do, I'll still love you
even if you're far away and happy with someone else

it's already yours
has always been yours

and I'd willingly, hungrily give it
if i only knew how to deliver it

i will keep it all inside and never touch you

even though i'm not sure there is anything else in the world i want more right now

i want you to kiss my neck
i want to feel the heat of your wet mouth on me
trite but true
i think i would just happily die if you ever kissed me
i bet you've never had a crazy older woman obsessively lust after you
i'm sorry it has to be this way

maybe if I could hang out with you freely, it wouldn't be like this