artemisagrotera's Journal

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  • my brain was out of order yesterday

    by artemisagrotera on March 14, 2012
    and is today as well, actually--cough syrup is a bitch. When I woke from my fever dreams I was happy to find something to read. I went back to sleep with you on my mind. My favorite one is gone, though. I was unable to respond appropriately when I first saw it (and still can't). I am only capable of elementary thought right now, but I wanted to say it was beautiful and it made me feel good, and it's probably the most honest and direct one I've seen so far. But of course my opinion is biased, because it told me what I wanted to hear. (I don't know if this makes any sense)
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  • after what happened,

    by artemisagrotera on March 11, 2012
    I could understand why you may not be interested in ever wanting to see or talk to me again. The return on time invested doesn't really seem that great when compared with the consequences of dealing with a frightening and totally irrational person. I know nobody wants that sort of unnecessary drama in their lives. I am not making excuses for his behavior--that's entirely on him and completely inappropriate--but he is seriously mentally ill and probably needs inpatient treatment. If I had known he would do what he did, I would have left to prevent it, but at the same time, I shouldn't have to live in fear of hanging out platonically among friends without being on call to the demands of someone's fragile ego and guilty conscience. I will stay away if you want me to. But it would still hurt me a lot if I could never see you.
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  • i just want to rest in your arms for a while

    by artemisagrotera on March 03, 2012
    maybe i would remember peace.
    2 Comments

  • mutually assured destruction

    by artemisagrotera on March 03, 2012

    both trained to know it is disadvantageous to make the first move, neither ever does
    both die miserable!
     
    happy ending

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  • again it begins

    by artemisagrotera on March 03, 2012

    draw me in
    push me away
    push me ever-harder

    make me cry
    dead inside
    elaborate masks, well practiced

    you win again
    i'm desolate, hollow
    nobody knows but me!

    laughing, smiling, posing, shining
    but not lit from within

    plug me in and i'm ready to go,
    but i was "gone" a long time ago

    2 Comments

  • jealousy distorts my perceptions

    by artemisagrotera on February 28, 2012
    and probably also interferes with being compassionate. I'm surrounded by poison and that colors everything; I forget the world is often kinder outside the madhouse.
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  • I must have misinterpreted again

    by artemisagrotera on February 28, 2012
    Thought I could offer some compassion. Go ahead, then; look through me, or whatever suits you
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  • hearing is enough for now...temporarily

    by artemisagrotera on February 27, 2012

    hold on, don't lose it, you don't have to speak
    just please don't look through me the next time we meet

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  • a sober and more temperate confession

    by artemisagrotera on February 26, 2012

    Here's a tired old cliche, but it is truth. I ache for you. I want to see you so much that it pains me. Sometimes it makes my chest hurt. Sometimes I am so nauseous that I can't eat. Sometimes what feels like a knitting needle through my skull by way of my left eye requires silence and total darkness because light and sound are both unbearable. Sometimes I just wish you were lying next to me because the aching is of a nature that I am sure you could satisfy.

    I'm still not on drugs and I have been drinking less in an attempt to process what is happening rather than refusing to deal with it. But sometimes I slip and drink too much and let it out here, which really isn't a good idea. Because of this fucked-up mess I've created, I can't even call or text you. I don't even know what I'd say. I can barely talk to you the few minutes I get to be alone together with you--minutes that I hope and wish for and look forward to all week, minutes that I am so grateful for when I get them, but that leave me sadder because I feel it will never be enough.

    I am weary. I want to be able to look you in the eye again, not to refuse the knowledge that what I want may not really be there, and no longer be afraid of what you might see in mine.

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  • obviously, i am never going to learn

    by artemisagrotera on February 25, 2012
    Really, how many times must I remind myself not to make drunk posts? All I knew this morning was that I wrote something stupid entitled "WARNING: DRUNK POST" and one of the first things I did after waking up was to check to see how bad it was. I don't think I've ever deleted a post here before, but that one has to go. It's better written than some in the past, but far too confessional. At least my ill-advised drunk posts are fewer and farther between these days. That's some sort of progress, right?
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