i love you i am still in love with you help me fix this

it drives me crazy when I can't read it. Congratulations on managing to continue torturing me. Your chart is fascinating, by the way, and also breaks my heart

when they're not gone, though

it lives on.

I am just now getting around to reading Letters to Felice. Letters to Milena is next. I don't know how many editions were published, but the one I'm reading has an explanatory foreword called Kafka's Other Trial and it relates what exactly Kafka was working on during his correspondence with Felice and two subsequent broken engagements to her. It is fascinating, but also terribly depressing. I haven't begun reading the letters yet; I'm still reading about his "other trial." Someone on the "Letter to Elise" page suggested these (to everyone in general) as further reading; if I had any manners I should thank them, but this is the internet and they probably left that comment years ago. I'm going to try my best not to steal from him once I start reading his letters...except I just noticed something new to read, and of course read it in the midst of writing this entry--I am reminded of something he wrote to her upon opening a letter and finding it to his liking. Sometimes I wish you could see me read these, and sometimes I'm glad you can't. They always have my undivided attention, but an especially good one--one that gets inside my head-- will leave me slightly breathless, lips barely parted, "hot with silent joy." Those words sound vulgar from me--I think I'll leave them to Kafka.

It's difficult to say. If I wanted to guide this closer to reality (which it seems to be doing on its own anyway), I would say we might be projecting a lot of illusions onto each other, but there are forces at work that I don't understand that are undeniably strongly attracting me to you. Whether or not I am handling my awareness of those energies properly is another issue altogether. And the issue of "propriety" is a matter of perception as well. Now that I reread that, it doesn't seem much like reality at all, just a lot of metaphysical conjecture. At least I'm analyzing it from a different angle, I guess. I still maintain that the cold medicine is inhibiting my brain.

even when they say things I don't want to hear.