artemisagrotera's Journal

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  • oh wait

    by artemisagrotera on June 16, 2012
    I meant the earlier ones. Those hurt
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  • mmm

    by artemisagrotera on June 16, 2012
    That is what I need from you. Even if it's not for me, even if it's written for someone else, even if it's written only for you, even if the way I interpret it is completely antithetical to your intent. It moves me. Not much does. What I mean is that it channels and focuses a strange elemental attraction, distracts me from what I should be doing, and can I think only of you: of where you might be, hoping I can transmit to you what I am feeling. I want you to feel it too. I want you to amplify and return it, and I will do the same. It demonstrates to me that either I have less strength of will than I'd like to believe, or once again that you know the way into the most secret part of me, which is closely guarded, heavily defended, labyrinthine by design. Maybe it is both. You are one of my weaknesses. For a short time, a seducer by practice was able to break in, but it was a game for both of us, and our intent was laid out in advance so nobody would get hurt. The approach was purely one-dimensional and it didn't hold my interest very long. The path shifts, moves, hides in self-defense. He couldn't find his way back, and I didn't bother to show him. Another stumbled upon it, knows where it is, but didn't care much to access it once found, and maybe never saw the point except as it suited his needs. I realize our circumstances feed this, but only you have been able to sustain mastery of this part of me for so long. It sort of excites me to know you can silently walk in any time you like, no breaking and entering necessary, no accidental discovery. You know the way inside even as it changes, tries to remain elusive--as if it were already yours, as if it were always yours. Even if it's only in my mind and purely imagined, it feels like overwhelming twisted pleasure, like a drug high, like an addiction. It feels like a transgression. It makes me want more, and makes me to feel as though I am suffering for lack of it when it is gone. If nothing else, be happy that you have the power to fuck with my mind.
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  • I realize now

    by artemisagrotera on June 10, 2012
    that nothing is ever going to make you happy. I wish I were smart or disciplined enough to let that knowledge change the way I feel. Unfortunately, I'm neither wise nor disciplined. I've been making this mistake my whole life, trying to love people who are telling me in no uncertain terms to fuck off, or are at least sending mixed messages. I persist because I think I can break them, tear down their walls, heal them. I have a nice fucked-up codependent martyr complex. Why the fuck do you think I got a degree in psychology? And yeah, I've been trained for pain--probably more than you can dish out. Fucking bring it. I dare you.
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  • In somewhat unrelated news,

    by artemisagrotera on June 09, 2012
    I will be at the university library all next week. Maybe you can help me study, or keep me company. The library is a huge and mysterious place. I used to work there--I could give you a tour.
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  • There is nothing wrong here

    by artemisagrotera on June 09, 2012
    People love each other without regard to the relationships that bind them. It's human nature. Please just accept love from whatever direction it is poured. Love is love, no matter the circumstances or conditions. It's better to know love in some form than never to have any at all...right? You are giving me something I've never received from anyone before. I need it. Please don't take it away from me.
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  • racing thoughts,

    by artemisagrotera on June 07, 2012

    racing heart.

    nobody's sleeping,
    nobody's dreaming.

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  • I'm awake

    by artemisagrotera on May 29, 2012

    thinking of you.

    He's passed out,
    but I'd bet you are too

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  • On second thought

    by artemisagrotera on May 29, 2012
    it really isn't any of my business. Do whatever it is that you need to do. Have fun, I guess
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  • murderous

    by artemisagrotera on May 29, 2012
    I know you need affection, but do you have any idea how angry it makes me to watch that, knowing what you've told me? Have fun. If you come, I hope you think of me. Don't let her use you.
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  • alone, weeping? yes, and yes

    by artemisagrotera on May 25, 2012

    In fact, I did exactly that when I went to see you play last week. I didn't tell anyone I was coming, I went alone, I got a beer, and during the second song I leaned against the wall and wept silently until a mutual friend happened to find me. It was easy for me to play that off because it's not uncommon for me to cry in public at a good show. But lately, it's because something reminds me of you. More specifically, it's because I am afraid you have grown tired of me, or were never interested at all, or thought at first maybe you were interested until you discovered there is a lot of darkness not far below the surface, not always well-controlled, and maybe that feels like a recipe for disaster to you.

    When I left your house the other day I would have preferred to stay and hold you instead. I was looking so hard for an invitation--I'm sure it was obvious and embarrassing to witness. I just wanted to lie down next to you for an hour or two and let you sleep. I wanted to feel you breathing. I wanted to kiss your shoulder and know how your skin tastes. I wanted to nuzzle the crook of your neck because you smelled so good. But that is the problem with proximity--once I have my arms around you, I don't want to let go. And if I hold you long enough, what I am trying to maintain as affection and mutual understanding becomes something a little less innocent. I want to press myself into you and ruffle your hair and kiss you until I can feel you running through me.

    One of the things that makes me happiest right now is when I hug you just a little too long and you lean your head on my shoulder for just a moment. I think I actually sighed audibly last time you did that, and maybe you felt me collapse a little bit. Our friend was gracious enough to walk away and let me have a minute with you. But one of the things that makes me saddest is when I hug you too long and you pull away.

    I'm sorry. It feels like that's all I'm allowed to have of you right now, and I hold on to those seconds as long as I can.

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