your most recent songs since the last show. I was afraid it would remind me of how out of control crazy I had been, and I'd had enough of feeling ashamed for a while. But I just smoked some weed (which I hardly ever do anymore) and listened to it again twice, right after the thunderstorm. I'm still high as fuck. But I had put out of my mind, probably intentionally, just how amazingly good it is. I hope that people appreciate it as much as I do. I'm sure they must.

Here's my dumb super-high stoner analysis/commentary: Really good music will either cause you to experience whatever emotion was put into it, or at least whatever emotion the creator is trying to express. It will also make any person who listens feel as though it were written just for or just about them. Here's a ridiculous and I'm sure, quite obvious confession: I like to pretend (I'm probably not alone; I'm sure several girls in our circle of friends feel this way) that it is a love letter. Hearing it makes me feel like I just got one, anyway.

I don't like being high and trying to write, because it sounds either childishly earnest or just hyperbolic and ridiculous. But it feels like you are reaching into me. Direct hit to the heart and root chakras. You hooked me, you can reel me in. Except I get the impression you'd rather have me come to you.

The music is an excellent surrogate for now--it makes me feel what I wish I could feel from you more often in person. But I would rather have you next to me. Can we go walk in the woods or have a picnic or something? Or just watch movies at your place? I'm not sure how to get away with it, but I would like to spend a whole day and night with you. I would have kept you warm in your tent. I mean that innocently, earnestly, and out of love and concern, no innuendo intended.

I hope this doesn't look completely ridiculous in the morning, because I'd rather not delete it

but right now I'm in trouble at work :(

(even if that was not left for me, I'm going to pretend it was, because it answers some questions and gives me the opportunity to do the same)

You are in my thoughts, as always. Short version without elaboration: I want to see you. We should talk, a lot, and not necessarily just about this. We should make a point to talk frequently, and maybe we should be somewhat sober. When I drink around you, I devolve into a screaming, crying mess and can't control my emotions, which don't have a healthy outlet because I've been bottling them up for...15 months? 16 months? and only letting them out here for less than a year, and incompletely at that.

The way I am handling this now is unhealthy and I have allowed it to seep into every area of my life and I have allowed myself to become an unstable mess. Note my word choices: I am not blaming you. I know this is on me for not having handled it better. Bottom line: I want to see you, I want to talk with you, I want to hear all the things you want to tell me. We should make a point to start there, at least. Then this can be based in reality.

I think we both have a strong capacity to live in our heads and while that makes us able to dream up things and perceive patterns that nobody else can or does, it also blurs the line between what is real and what we just want to be real. Part of the problem is that you and I have the ability to make those things in our head real (I'm not talking about "us" specifically, I mean whatever we dream up) and if we are unsure of what we want and need, it is difficult to know where real reality is, where our desired reality is that we are working towards, and what is just fantasy and conjecture.

That was much more than I had planned to say at the moment, so it's not very logically presented, and I'm not done yet, either--but as I said, I'm in trouble at work (my own fault for being a fuck-up) and need to be working for a bit. I just knew I wasn't going to be able to address everything in a short time, and I didn't want you to think my silence was meaningful.

or a few hours of banter is better than nothing
tease me, chide me all you want
it's better than not interacting with you at all
 
though I desperately want you lying next to me,
worn out, sweaty, satisfied, quiet, whispering.

Please hold me close someday, please never let me go

(extra-drunk--extra-nonsensical!)