She said she should commit suicide. I was all for it. She said she would leave but she has no money. I am willing to offer her all the money I have. Just let either one happen. It would make life so much easier for me. Please.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I mean really, it’s actually starting to scare me now. I am getting really angry these days, and the anger always builds up inside of me and makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. It’s actually quite creepy. I mean, really1 I had to ask to go to the bathroom today because I was feeling so angry and I felt like if I didn’t get up and walk or move or run, I would have exploded right there and then. I just want this poster to be perfect. I know it sounds stupid of me to get angry about something so stupid, but it really means a lot to me. (sigh) I hate how things can make people feel like I was feeling today, I mean really, is it really necessary? URGH! And I mean sure, I had a great day, I did well in art, I had two people talk to me that were actually fun to talk to, I had someone call me cool today, and then this stupid poster thing comes up. Honestly I hate it1 I mean, I just completely messed it up and it was supposed to be amazing to show all the teachers how much I knew about good music. I hear that Dylan gets mentioned in the staff room like, 10 times a day, and I bet it’s because he knows good music. How many times would I get mentioned??? NONE! I probably don’t even enter their minds! URGH! It’s okay though, because in the end I know what is right, and I get to listen to my music without anybody interrupting me, and I get to enjoy it! You know why I get to enjoy it? Because it is my life, and I love it with all my heart. Of course I’ll bet that none of the teachers know that, just because I’m not as outgoing as Dylan is. (sigh) I just hate how some things can be so cruel. Maybe I’m being stupid though. Maybe I am just a complete idiot for actually caring what they think about my personality. If they were meant to know what goes on with me, and what I enjoy, they will when the time is right. In the wise words of The Beatles, “Let it be.” In the end, I will probably never get noticed, but you know what, I have had many moments of glory, and I have had many great times. I’m just such an arse for even complaining about this kind of stuff. It’s just that… Nobody likes me. You see, I’m not like any of the other girls. I’m not pretty, and I’m not fun, and I don’t have anything in common with the girls. I have things in common with the boys, and that is why they don’t like me, they just want to be my friend because I am the only girl that they can talk to properly. Well, I guess I’m just being cocky now. But it’s true about the me not being pretty or fun, or funny, or smart or anything part. I hate my mom. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I know people would think that I really love her on the inside, but those people would be wrong. They don’t have to live with her. They don’t understand how she acts, and what she does, and how she thinks and how she drinks and how she is able to traumatise animals and friends and family. Well, that’s what she does! Now that I think about it, if I didn’t have my music, I doubt I would be able to cope with life. I mean seriously, the music is what keeps me going, the music is what stops me from being completely depressed, it’s all because of the music that I am, to this day, sane. Everybody makes jokes about how I insult my dad. I hate it when they do that. They don’t understand. I mean, I know they are joking. I love my dad, and I have hurt him in so many ways, it actually scares me. I have hurt him, and I know it. I hate myself. I’m just as bad as any person I dislike. When I think about how much I have hurt my dad, how many times I have been so rude and acted so horribly towards him, I just… I really just want to burst out in tears. I’m so happy nobody watches me at night before I go to sleep in my home, because I’d hate for people to know that I cry practically every night. The things I do.

Okay so today, was pretty awesome. We got to wear civvies today in school and it was a lot of fun. The E.M.S exam was okay, ot wasn't too easy, bt not too hard I guess. Anyway, so I went to the movies today with a lot of people. Well, it was pretty cool. There was me, Teagan, Kayla, DB and Storme at first, but then we met up with some otehr people. We met up with Dean, Noam, Justin, and Adam. First we were walking around, and we went to Musica and Noam and I were sort of in small talk aobut music and stuff, turns out he also likes the good music. You see, he is in a sort of friendly group with Josh, and David and Johnny and stuff. But I'll tell you about that later. Anyway, so after walking around we went to see The Hangover 2, Storme somehow managed to get us in, even though it was a 16 rated movie. Okay so after that, we were just walking around for a bit again. The movie was okay, I mean, I didnt get to talk too much to anyone because I ended up sitting between Kayla, who is so obsessed with Dean that she couldn't stop talking to him, and Teagan who never speaks in movies. Anyway, so about the little group thing. Remember how I used to say that I really wanted to be part of teh group with Dylan, Kyle, Josh, David and Brendan last year? Well, now thehre is no more of that group, and there is a new group that I really want to be a part of. You see, it's got, Noam, Jos, David and Johnny... Well, I don't know if that is all teh people in ether, but I know taht they spend a lot of time together, and i just want to spend time together with them. They all like good music. And I just want to be friendly with them... I think. Well, I'm pretty sure. (sigh) I'll bet none of them want anyhting to do with me though. I have had a great conversation with Josh, we are pretty good friends now. Noam and I have had sort of had a musical conversation, which means I don't completely annoy him. Johnny and I are quite good friends and David and I are very good friends. I just... Want to be able to talk to them. It sucks that none of them are taller than me though. (sigh). I know taht it's not going to happen. I hate that it's not going to happen. It honestly does suck. I am so bored of only soending time with Emma, Chris and Dylan. I mean, theres nothing wrong with them, except for Dylan (he annoys me to death) but... I just want to talk to them, I want to be "one of them." It sucks that I don't have anybody to like. I want to like someone, and I want it to be someone taller than me. Why can't the boys in my grade be taller? It's soooo unfair! URGH! (sigh). I'm the biggest bitch of all time. URGH!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I think I said taht I didn't want to go to Sidne's party, well, when I got there, everything was different, I had such an amazing time. I wasn't being all chatty and stuff which was great. I wasn't being anti-social, I mean, I spoke when I needed to and and when I had something to say, but I didn't annoy myself this time with my retarded outbursts. Okay so for the first part of her party, I was just watching a movie with everyone, then I was on sitting on the trampoline with everyone which was a lot of fun, but the second half was what got me feeling great. Okay so I saw these guitars, and I asked if I could play and stuff while everyone was outside, and I was playing Lella's giutar, and it is fricken amazing! I was just playing, and then Sam and Rob and... someone else, were there as well, just playing their instrument and attempting to beatbox. I pretty much did that until everyone left, and when Sam left he acttually said goodbye to me, which I thought was sweet. Anyway, so then everyone had left except for Josh because he wasn't sleeping over but he was staying until like, 11:00 or something, and now we were all in the art/music room thing, me, Kayla, Sidne and Josh and I was jammin on the guitar. I started playing "WIsh You Were Here" and that was when Josh and I sort of... Well, sort of connected in a way. Like, we were becoming better friends kind of, and we were both about to start bursting into tears because, well I had already loved the song, and Josh had never heard it and when I started playing it he had automaticlly loved it. Anyway, we were then opening to the presents and stuff, and Josh and I were listening to my ipod, and I asked him if he knew the song "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac and he froze and stared at me, and he said "That was the fist song I learnt on the drums!" and then I put it on the ipod and we were both just like, listening and singing to it. We also listened to Hold The Line (which I was surprised to hear taht he had already heard it) and also One by U2 and I introduced to him the song New Machine Parts 1 and 2 which he loved. I don't know, we just sort of... became closer as friends. Anyway, so I went to sleep that night, completely depressed because I hadn't wanted to go to Adam's barmi the next day (today). So when I got there, guess what happened. Everything completely changed! As I walked on tht ground, I knew I would have an amazing time, and i did! I mean, I was just playing catch with Liat adn Hayden for most of the time, which was a lot of fun, and then this magician came and he was pretty cool. And then I went to play catch again, and Robyn (Josh's mom) said that Josh had told her that I had a very good taste in music, and that I was cool and that I had the coolest songs on my ipod. Then I had said something like "Well tell Josh I say thanks :)" and then she said "It's ncie that you two have something in common" And then I said "Ya" which I realized a few hours ago that taht ws the stupidest reply ever! It made me seem like I didn't think taht we did have things in common, and that I was bored of talking to her or something! I should have said "Yes, it's great taht there are actually people that listen to good music" WHY DIDN'T I SAY THAT???!!!!!!!!!! URGH! Well, now whenever I hear the song "The Chain", I think of Josh. I don't like him or anything, I mean, I have a lot of friends taht songs remind me of them, so I just don't want people to think I like him!!! Anyway, so then we had this sort of connecting moment again at Adam's barmi, well, two actually, and it was cool :). I realise that like, when I talk to him, I just.. Well I sort of have fun and stuff. Of course I doubt this will be a regular thing, I mean, he has his group of friends, and I doubt they would ever want me to talk to them and stuff, and he won't be leaving his group of friends. And even if they did want to, I'm the type of person who doesn't make the first move. If someone wants to tlak to me,a nd I want to talk to them, they have to come to me first. Well, when I came back everything was just boring and normal again, my mom started shit, we ate supper, now i'm on the computer. Of course I studies and stuff too, but that is just way too boring to even mention... Even though I did just mention it right now. Anway, this weekend has been amazing and I really enjoyed myself. It's too bad this means somehting bad is going to happen to me. (sigh)

Okay so yesterday I had Afrikaans and L.O, and tehy were a lot easier than I though they would be. But today, we had History and Geography. The history wasn't too bad, I mean, I don't think I did too badly on that one, but the geography was terrible! I mean, I don't think I failed, but the mapwork was very hard. (sigh) They should let us choose what we want to learn! Well, they sort of do in Highschool, but I'm not in highschool yet. Anyway, I don't think I'm too excited to go to Sidne's party, I mean, normally I would be because I like seeing my friends, but I just have a feeling it's not going to be so great. It's tomorrow, and I'm sleeping over, which I guess I don't really mind. I'm sure it'll be cool because Kayla and Josh are also sleeping over there. I hope I don't do anything stupid, I am planning to be the quiet type of persona t this party, I don't want people to think taht I show off. I actually can't stand being the centre of attention. I'm listening to Syd Barrett's solo albums, and I'm really liking it. Usually when people break up with their band and do a solo album, it sucks poo, but Syd Barrett's solo album is very good. I also like that fact that he didn't do like 5 or 6 albums, he did two, and I like that. They are called "The Madcap Laughs" and "Barrett". I just heard him speak, he sounds SO COOL! I havn't heard the album Barrett yet, it's refusing to finish downloading, but I hope it does in the end, I'm sure it will be great. I'm listening to one song from the - nevermind. My dad is watchign Fame so I;m gonna go watch with him, sorry I can't finish this.

So, things have been going pretty well for me these days... Well, for the most part. I just hate it though! I know I'm always complaining about bad things always happening to me, but whenever good things happen to me, there is always something bad bound to happen, and I'm just afraid taht since my days have been going well, taht my marks for my exams are going to be bad! I mean, I really want to do well and all, but I'm okay with just passing. That's all I really want, I just want to pass,a nd I am afraid that that isn't going to happen! (sigh), I have been studying very hard today, well, I have been for Afrikaans, not so much for Life Skills, but I'm not as worried for lifeskills. Well, I have found out a new amazing album. I always thought taht Fleetwood Mac was sucha boring band, I have obviously never heard the good albums. I have been listening to Rumors, and I am weirdly obsessed with it. Well, not obsessed, but I do like it a lot. I got this really really cool book, it's called "Inside Out: A Personal History of Pink Floyd" and it is written by Nick Mason. I havn't been able to read it so much because of the studying, and when I take breaks from studying, reading is just too much for me. That probably makes me sound like an idiot. (sigh). I have become completely obsessed with Syd Barret, and yesterday I posted something on Facebook saying: I love you Syd Barrett. People commented on it being all confused because they thought I had meant Sid Barnett, which is someone I honestly can't stand, I just completely hate her guts! And there everyone goes, thinking taht is aid taht I love her! URGGHH!!!! (sigh) Well, the good news is that on Twitter, the eatles official page follows me, which is actually pretty cool. I'm just really upset about that Syd Barrett thing. I mean, I also just hate teh fact that people would think I could misttake someone as completely freakishly amazinga nd awesome as Syd Barrett with some as horribly annoying and as bitchy and horrible as Sidne!!! UURRGGHHHHHH!!!!! (sigh) Well, I have to sleep at her on Saturday, along with Josh (which is really weird) and Kayla. apparently DB told Kayla two days ago that he likes her, but I'm quite over him. Now I'm back to where I started. (sigh) Oh well, just let it be. I tried to download this Pink Floyd movie called Pulse, when it decided to completely stop downloading after 97.2 % and never start again, which seriously did suck, but there really wasn't anything I could do. I was actually really looking forard to watching that but oh well. I just want to focus on my work until exams are over, I mean, if I want to pass, which I really really do!!! Well, I'll just go now, waiting for tomorrow to come. I'm not all taht nervous, but I will be freaking out tomorrow. (sigh). Wish me good luck.

So by my subject, I'll bet you would have thought taht I have had my first kiss today. Well, you'd be wrong. I have only been thinking about having my first kiss for the past few days. I honestly, am going crazy about it. I just can't wait, I seriously want it to be this month. If not this month, hopefully some time this year. I always imagine it going like this: We would be sitting alone and there would be a sort of silence that wasn't awkward because he had just said something nice about me, after this nice comment, in the middle of the silence, we would be looking into each others eyes, and he would be thinking about how pretty my eyes are, then he would lean in 90% of the way, and I would lean in the other 10% and then we would kiss,a nd it would be great. (sigh), I know, it's stupid of me to be planning this out. I mean, now that I'm expecting it, it's never going to happen. Well, I was on my way to the car with Ruth when David Her. dropped something, and I said " I think you dropped something" in that sort of sarcastic way. Then while we were walking back, him anad I were just talking. That was when I remembered how much fun I had when we used to talk. I also remember how he used to sms me in the morning saying good morning. I miss that. I just don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that I should be studying right now. (sigh). Seriously though, I need to study, so I'll just go now, with all these never-going-to-happen thoughts.

Sorry I havn't written for such a long time. Not taht anyone reads this. Anyway, today is Mothers Day and, of course, my mom has just ruined it. No worries though, it doesn't egt to me. I had a weird dream last night. I don't remember much of it, but I remember crying in front of Dean and Noam. It was weird, they didn't do anything to try and comfort me. Anyway, today I was in tears. Yiu see, we had gone to lunch, and we were talkign about Pink Floyd and then I remembered how much I love their album The Wall. I listned to it again today, every song, and I was just in tears. I had forgotten how freakishly amazing taht album is, it's unbelievable! I just can't even believe it! It's just so amazing and the music is so... I can't even describe it it's just so... I don't know. Well, exams are coming up, and I am not quite nervous for them yet but believe me, when it's a few days before, I will be freaking out. They still don't have The Secret Life of Bees in yet, but I did read To Kill A Mocking Bird. It was very good. Well, a lot has been going on. I was talking to Kayla and she said that David had phoned her and stuff, like he used to do to me when he liked me. I have absolutely no problem with him liking whoever he wants, but just not Kayla, anybody but Kayla! The thing is, if Kayla knows that a boy likes her, she acts like she like him back, even if she doesn't (and I know she doesn't because she told me who she likes). I just hate it when she does that, and then she always complains about this person liking her. I mean, she really acts like she likes this person! And it just annoys me to death! UURRGGHHH!1 Johnny claims that he likes me, but I know taht he doesn't. I have an oral tomorrow, and I only finished it yesterday. Oh well, who cares. (well I do but it doesn't botehr me). Anywho, I don't much else to say (well nothing taht I can think of at the moment) so I'm just gonne be on my way.

Once again, tongiht was the worst. I'm supposed to be all sad right now, and I'm supposed to be all sad tomorrow at school. As much as I want it to happen, it doesn't look like it's going to. I think it's the music. Now today was great. We went to primi, musica (I got "The Sixth Sense"), and Vertigo which is where I got this awesome The Sex Pistols shirt. When I went home, I was watching Glee, being happy and stuff. Tha was when I went to go shower and Shirley came. My mom flipped out. She told her to stop drinking, and then Shirley told her to stop drinking, which was when she seriously got angry. I hate Shirley as much as the next person, but I think my mom was in the wrong this time. She started it all. She always does. I hate her. She then goes and starts a whole fight with Nana, and my dad. She shoted at my dad and called Nan (my granny on my mothers side) a worthless piece of shit of a human being. Which was when Nan started crying. Then mom started crying and my dad comforted her. Then after a few minutes of that my mom started shouting and swearing at my dad agin. She then stormed into the kitchen and asked "Did you throw away my whiskey?" Whcih was when I knew for sure that she was drunk. I honestly hope nobody is reading this. I don't want people to think I'm unhappy with my family, I'mjust unhappy with my mom, and I would love it she left. Please though, people, don't do anything. I don't understand, yesterday she was actually being nice, and then tonight? I think it's because there is school tomorrow. She always starts fights when there is school the next day. It's good that she is always the first one to go to sleep. Anyway, I had my fringe cut. I look redonculous. Sometimes I just wonder how someone can look as ugly as I look. I wonder how people are my friends. Speaking of friends, I have noticed that I am being left out of everything. I mean, SIdne had a party with everyone, and now so is everyone else. I mean, it's not like it's Teagan or Isabel, so I'm not all that worried about it, but I mean come on, it would be nice if I was invited to something. I have a barmitzvah in two days time. I know it's going to suck because they always do now that DB never talks to me. I just really really hope that Dylan isn't there. He can really annoy the hell out of me at times. Speaking of Dylan, there he goes, annoyimg me again. (sigh), well, I guess I should just go now. I have nothing better to do. I havn't even started my oral yet. I will just be happy, even though I don't want to be, and life will go on. I just hope that The Secret Life of Bees is in, and if not, To Kill A Mocking Bird. Hopefully.

I just don't understand. I woke up so nice and late yesterday, so why didn't I do that today? It just annoys me. i think it must have put me in a bad mood. Today just didn't go so well. I am hating some certain people right now, and I have so many things goin on. I even sat down in the shower because I couldn't take it. I sit down in the shower when I'm really upset. I guess I wasn't all that upset today, but I felt the sitting was needed. You know what I think almost every day, other than everything that is going on that is bad? I walk past a mirror and think taht a person cannot get any uglier than me. And then after that, I think this: "I know what they think. My friends all think I am saying this stuff to get attention. Well I don't care what they think, Iknow what is true" And I think taht because it is true. I am many things, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm not the tinnest, but I am most definitely not an attention seeker. (sigh) I am just very annoyed with people. I have nothing more to say, so bye.