If I knew it would happen, why am I still so upset? I knew DB wouldn't talk to me like he had once before, because he likes Kayla and I just thought... Well, I was obviously wrong. Sauls barmi tonight was okay, I didn't have such a bad time but it could have been better. Before I went, I was feeling really sick, but it's all gone now, I feel pretty good (except for the fact that the person I could have sworn like me, and I actually liked, doesn't like me). Well, I just hope I don't feel like that again tomorrow. The coolest part of the barmi was the hypnosis, it was so friken hilarious, I was laughing my bum off it was just the funniest thing ever to see people egt hypnotised, but I'm not in the mood to go into details. Yes, I am a little upset, but what can I really do other than listen to Pink Floyd. (sigh) I just hate the fact that I actually liked him because I thought he liked me, and now he just doesn't and I am the one who is a little hurt. No worries though, I'll get over it, just like before.

Okay, so before I went to Isabel, I was actually looking forward to going to the barmi tonight, you know, to have a nice conversation with DB, but that has all changed now. I will start from when I got to Isabel yesterday. So I was the only one there because Rachel Teagan dna Kayla ahdn't arrived yet, but it was okay because Isabel and I managed to keep ourselves occupied. Then when everyone was there , we were all lying under the duvet, all very comfortable and lazy and we were enjoying ourselves. Anyway, we had watched like 6 episodes of Vampire Diaries when we decided to take a break, and we were being all crazy and stuff, and then we went back to being lazy and watching. While the others were watching, I was looking at the conversation between Kayla and DB on the blackberry. SO DB had said "ams" and the Kayla said "MMmmmm, hdul?" and then DB was like "You" and then Kayla put the blackberry in fron of my face as if I hadn't seen the comment already, then I told her to say "Haha very funny :P" and then she did, then before letting DB reply she said " You are joking right?" and then he said "No". then after two more comments he said "Can I have a pic of s-j?" and Kayla said "Why?" so DB says "Because I want to see her". I told her not to send one of me, but she did anyway. When she sent it DB said " No I mean one of right now" and then the conversation went way off track. That conversation really got to me. I mean, I know this sounds cocky, but I honestly thought that he liked me, I mean he always acted like it, and he would always sit next to me and talk to me and call me to him. (sigh) I guess it was all just, well, not true. This makes me sound like some kind of sappy weird girl in those sappy boring movies. URGH! What I just don't understand now, is if I even liked him. I'm just so confused. Well, at least I know now that what ever I did feel for DB is now something I have to completely ignore. Like I always say, it's completely stupid to like someone who doesn't like you back. My throat is sore, and I don't feel well. Tihs is the first time in years that I don't feel well, so I'm just not going to say anything about it to my parents. I son't get sick! It's just something i don't do ad I refuse to let it happen. I think I just feel like this because I have been lazy all day and I have been lying in bed for most of my day. It's all just in my head. I know tonight is just going to be so bad, and I know I am going to have a terrible time. IT's okay though, it's not like I'm not used to it. My parents bought me this really cool shirt today and it says Pink Floyd Dark SIde of the Moon. It's really cool and I love it. I'm still in my pyjamas because I went straight home from Isabel, so I'm wearing my Pink Floyd The Wall shirt right now. Well, todoay is going to be terrible so I might as well just not do anything, 'm off. Bye...

Isn't today supposed to be an amazing day for me? I had my party, it's April Fools Day and it's holidays for a hwole week, so why do I, right now, feel as if I am about to burst into tears? I will tell you why, it's because of my mom. She has now brought my dad and Ruth intot this whole fight, and Ruth is screaming her head off and she is crying buckets of water. MY granny has obviously had enough if it too because she just walked out of the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey, litterally in the bottle.I can't tell if she is going to drink it now, or if she is just hiding it from my parents. (sigh) I'm a 13 year old girl, is this really what I am supposed to be going through??? I just hate her. I hate my mom, I honestly completely hate her. Well, on better notes, school today was... Well it was short, and I am completely happy about that. I really need a holiday, I am always so tired nowadays, and I don't know if it's because of the long hard days or because I just stay up too late. Teagan and my party today was actually a lot of fun. I took the photos on Teagans camera and they are now on Facebook. I got the worst presents ever though. I guess that's what I deserve though, for only having the party for the presents. It kind of backfired on me, the party was actually what was the good part, and then the presents were actually what were bad. Anyway, today was great up until now. I have Saul's barmi tomorrow (his shul service) and I hope it isn't boring. I usually enjoy the talking to friends part of shul, and when we are actually in shul listening to the prayers it usually just gives me time to think. About everything. I was wtching my slideshows today (the ones that I made with the music and stuff) and I quite enjoyed it. I can't wait until Kaylas batti, then I can finally do my speech which inclused one of thos funny videos. It will be very funny. (sigh) I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm talking about all the fighting that goes on in my house. It's usually between my mom and my dad, adn I just donn't understand why it has to happen. It happens because my mom drinks too much. It doesn't exactly make her drunk, just in a very very very bad mood all of the time, and that is why the fighting only happens at night, because that is the time she drinks. My dad does it too, but he keeps it under control at least. Well, tonight hasn't been the best and I would go to bed but my parents are fighting with Ruth, and you know, we share a room so it shouldn't be too easy. I just hope tomorrow is much better than today.

Okay, so today this morning was pretty hectic. The ex-pianist from freshly ground, who is now a music producer, came to our school this morning with this guy from prison named Larry Joe (he is out of prison now). Now Larry Joe is a guitarist, and he really got into his music in prison. We then watched a video of him in prison and then we wathced one of his music videos. It was all very very very interesting. Now this guy is good, I mean really good. He started when he was 3 and he did a concert when he was 5. He then played us these three songs and everybody clapped and everything. Then at the end, Mev. BOthis (our principle) said something that really got me thinking. What she said was "Please put up your hand if Larry Joe has really inspired you" And everybody put up their hands, including me. He really has inspired me a lot, he has inspired me to stop playing guitar. Now, that will never happen because I love it too much, but it got me thinking "What's the point?" I am never ever going to be good, I am never going to be good enough to play guitar in front of people, even if I started busking, I would never get money. I am just so bad. It doesn't matter if it's my passion, I am no good at it and there is no point in me even playing. When I decided this, I then wondered what I am actually good at. Nothing. That is the answer, I am not good at anything. If you think about it, there is not one thing out there that I am good at. Sure, I love guitar, and I love art, and I love hip-hop and I love my music, and I love to write and to read and | love photography, but I am not good at any of it. Why do I even do these things if I am no good at them? Maybe I hsould just become one of those people who just sit around watching TV all day because they have nothing they like to do that they are good at. I just... I don't want it to be like this. I want to be good at something but there is just nothing for me to be good at. I hate it. I honestly thought I was getting somewhere with guitar, but with not wanting to go to lessons, I pretty much suck. (sigh), I guess I am just one of those people who aren't good at anything. URRRRRRGGGHHHH I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!! Other than all of that, today wasn't so bad. The parent teacher meeting was okay, but Mrs Cook was a bitch. I hate her, I honestly can't stand her. I have the party tomorrow, and I doubt it's going to be any fun. I am just really upset right now. I think tonight just might be one of those nights when I'm in tears. Of course nobody sees me, because I'm in bed. Nothing has been happening with me and DB lately, he sometimes talks to me at school, but other tha that, I get the feeling he doesn't want to hang around me, and I don't blame him. I am boring and not good at anything, why would anybody want to hang around me? (sigh) well, I best be off, I am completely bored and upset right now, and that is never a good combination.

I am just getting so sick of waiting, I just want to get on to the holidays so I can have my rest. I am so tired all of the time. At least I finished my book today, so I can hand it back in tomorrow. It's almost friday, which means it's almost mine and Teagans party. I'm not all that excited but ... (sigh) anyway, today was pretty much average. Nothing special happened today, but we went to teh same place in CAG today as two times before. I know it's rude of me to say, but it was just very boring, and we only ended at five so I got home really late. Tomorrow is the PTM and I am just nervous for that, I just hope that my mom and dad don't say anythign embarrasing. I'm listening to Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin, and I completely forgot what a freakishly amazing song it is. I love it. Well, I am sooooo tired so I am off to be, awaiting a sucky day atht is tomorrow. (sigh)

Well, it's the last week of school until holidays, which means it's only babout 2 or 3 weeks until I get the autograph from the guy who photographed the album covers for the awesome people, INCLUDING PINK FLOYD! I am so excited. Anyway, today at the last period, it was english but we went down to the library. I got a new book, and I also persueded the librarian to let me take out the book The Secret Life of Bees. Anyway, this new book that I am reading isn't the best book ever, but there is something about it that keeps me reading. I don't know what it is, but no matter how not-great it is, it just keeps me reading, it keeps me entertained and interested... It's weird. It's about a musician. Anyway, I got my report back for the first term today,a dn I didn't get any A's. I mostly got B's and I got some C's and then Mr Tshado gave me a D for Life Skills, it's okay though because the reports this term were only on work ethic. It was so cool after school today, I had to wait for my mom to come back from the PTM (Parent Teacher Meeting) for the Primary School, so I waited in Middle school. And then I had this really cool conversation with J and I was also with Isabel. The conversationw as very nice. Then Emily arrived (after the conversation) and she just HAD to wait with me! Anyway, J had walked past and Emily said "Well, he is going to be hot when he is older, you should go for him" And that was probably the weirdest thing ever. Other than that, nothing else interesting happened today, I have just been reading for the rest of the day (up til now). DB came to talk to me again :) And that was cool too. Well I don't have much else to say now, so I think I am just going to go back to reading.

I was so unbelievab;y tired this morning, I didn't even have a late night last night, I was just too tired to put in my contact lenses so I wore my glasses today. Anyway, I always think that DB will never talk to me at school, it's only at bar/bat mitzvahs that he will sit next to me and talk to me, but today he has proved me wrong. I like talking to him, even though he is far too inappropriate. I don't know if you have ever seen How I Met Your Mother, but he is quite like Barney. He is always making inappropriate comments and things like that, but then when he actually likes a girl he is... Well you know. Like I said, he is also exactly like Adam Sandler. I found out that I am extremely stupid yesterday. You see, I was watching this documentary on Syd Barrett and Pink Floyd, and I found out that the movie and album "The Wall" was not based on Roger Waters, but Roger Waters had based it on Syd Barrett!!! I should have known! I mean, he said nothing about it being about himself, but he certainly never said andything about Syd Barrett. Anyway, in the documentary it said that one day, Syd Barrett had arrived, and everybody was asking who he was and they couldn't recognise him, and this was all because he had shaved his head and eyebrows, just like in the movie. He too was iscolated by the world, just like the character in the album. Well, today I sent out most of the invitations for mine and Teagans party. I'm not really looking forward to it, but hey, who doesn't love presents? I know, that is really shallow of me, and I don't mean to be shallow, it's just I'm not a huge party fan and Teagan was the one who said we should have one together and I didn't want to be rude so I said yes. I hope that she sends out the actual invitations, because I already sent out the ones on Facebook. Anyway, I watched the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and it was the second or third time I have seen it. I wuite enjoy that movie, it's very interesting although it's a bit too long for my liking. I like movies like that, they interest me. Well, at least today Mrs Cook didn't comment on my fringe, I am so happy she had nothing to complain about me today. If she hates children so much, WHY DOES SHE TEACH??!!! Yesterday I was so bored that I was just lying on my bed, closing my eyes, doing litterally nothing but listening to music, and i quite enjoyed it, although it would have been nice to have something to do. Well, I best be off now, so bye.

Last night was amazing, I just hate the fact that it's over and that it's school tomorrow (sigh). Liat just left, and I am so happy she is gone, I know it's rude of me to say that but I just hate it when people sleep over at me. I didn't do anything in Saturday and it was pretty boring, I was just watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air the whole day, that was actually hilarious. Anyway, on to last night. It was so much fun, but only because I spent most of my time with DB. He was inappropriate but it was okay. I got really embarrased though because he said to me that my little sister was so cute, and I said no she is not. Then he said "Does she know who I am?" and then I was like "She knows your name" and then he said "Really? So you talk about me?" and I told him I don't but I think he still thinks I do. I honestly don't actually talk about him, she just knows who he is and I don't know how. URGH I AM SO EMBARRASED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, before I was talking to DB I was sitting on the swings and I was talking to Max. We actually had a nice conversation. Then I was playing on the sea-saw and it was soooooo much fun! I love sea-saws. Anyway, (sigh), I am now left completely embarrased and completely bored. I think I just want to listen to my music. Or maybe just finish the Fresh Prince.

Okay, so today was sports day and well... Okay so we went to school and we were all in our house colours. We went to the field straight away. So the first race I ran I came... third. I was racing against about 7 or 8 other girls, and.. I am just so upset with myself. I would have come second but Shannon just ahd to race with us. They shouldn't let her because she is in a ahigher grade than us, it's just not fair. Michaela is really fast, and she came second. I also found out taht J is freakishly fast too. In the relay we won though, it was cool. The cross-country race was the best though. Everybody did it because all we had to do to at least get one point was walk, and finish. Isabel, Liat and I were walking together. Half way there (we were litterally the last ones coming in) we decided to claim that we were the fastest in the whole school, which was then when I decided we should write a book on how fast and amazing we are and our "journey" in the cross country race. We decided to have two names, they were "The Fire Sisters and Liat" or "The Long Walk to Freedom" and I hade decided on both of thoe names, which was when we all oractically fell from laughing. Anyway, when we were only a few yard from the end, we decided to run in slow motion, and then I was singing that funny song that plays in the backround when people are running in slow motione, and it was hilarious. I then decided I was going to "fall" so in slow motion I tripped and it was hilarious! Anyway, that part was so much fun! After the races we went to our other thing that we signed up for (I signed up for art) and in art we were doing toe-dyeing. It was pretty fun but I gave mine to Teagan because I didn't like mine. Kayla made the coolest one and it was awesome. Then we had some time to relax, and I think Noam was pretty impressed with me when I stole the basketball from Hayden and failed to miss a shot, it was okay that I missed it, he was still pretty impressed. After that, we had an assembly and for the spirit, Gideon came first, Samson came second and Maccabi came last. Then for the actual athletics, Maccabi won, Gideon came second and Samson came last, but it was okay. I was worrying for nothing, even though I am very very upset with myself for only coming third. There is a batti tomorrow and I hope it was the same as Ginas, with DB and stuff, except hopefully he will be a little more appropriate. The only thing I'm not looking forward to on that day is the fact that Liat is going to sleep over. I just really don't like it when people come to sleep over, and why does she have to ask me when she knows I am living with my granny at the moment. It's very rude of her. She will probably just be hanging around me the whole night, I hope Dylan doesn't go. Anyway, I know she has a single mother who can't take her around everywhere, but she should at least take my living condition into consideration. BUt how could I just say no when I know what she has to go through. URGH!!! Anyway, today when I got back from school, I was just playing on my guitar, and then I started to watch The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and now my parents are having supper. I think I am going to go play guitar again, so seeya.

Okay so it's sports day tomorrow and I am so nervous! I don't think I will be getting tired, but I'm just scared of getting a stitch! That's my only problem, getting s stich,oh and the fact that I might not be as fast as I used to. (sigh) I just really hope I come either first or second... I know I sound competetive but... Well, I've already told this story. I also hope that I get to run barefoot. Maybe that's actually what makes me fast... Or used to. And I hope that I get to. Today and yesterday was kind of boring, so I don't have much to say, although Teagan and I have written out the invitations, we just need to send them out. I also know taht I am going to be here for my rehersals, and it's going to awesome. I just can't believe Teagan isn't doing it. Anywho, I best be off. Bye