I want to go see James so bad. I miss him soooooo much. Plus I really want to have sex. I am gunna go see him right when I have a car. When I have a car and I can use it, and when I have the money and time. Summer I definitely will. But I want to sooner than that. ;sdkjhfglsjjghlieuh I wish I won the lottery, I'd buy a car and have spending money. I'd go see him during February break.

My self esteem is really really low. It always has been. I hate it. I want to be skinny and perfect. I'm not huge. I'm not even big. I just hate the way that I am. I hate everything about it. James just asked me to send him a picture, since he can't see me because he is at his dads house. I tried. I just stared at myself in the mirror. Immediately my eyes went right to my stomach. I am disgusting. I can't live this way anymore. I can't look at myself and be happy. I can't do it anymore.

Weird, things just get bad, then all of a sudden good. I don't know why. Me and Jimmy(James) have been talking since 4:50 this afternoon. I told him that I really think I love him. I'm not rushing things, but I have know him for a while, and there is something about him that just makes me feel perfect. I love him. He said it back too, said it a few times. I love the way that it sounds.

Oh boy. I really need to see a doctor. I am feeling so depressed, and I don't know what to do. Its not that things arent going my way, I just feel useless and like I'm a waste of space. What do I do... why is this happening to me...

James :) Thats all I can say. I miss him. I really really like this boy. I find myself doing things that I would never do before. Its a killer to wait all day for him to get home from work when I am home all day. It's going to be even worse that I go to work at 3, right when he comes home from work. I won't see him until 8:30 ish. He is my rescue. I talk to him when I need him. I trust him completely, and that means so much to me because usually I don't trust anybody at all. He's got me wrapped around his finger, but he never takes advantage of me. The feeling that I get when our eyes meet is something more than I've ever felt. I know there is no such thing as perfect, but he is perfect in my mind. We have been dating for such a short time, I know. But I have known this kid for a long time. He is the strongest person I know. He withstood his fiance leaving him, with his son. And even though that happened, he wants to be there. He wants to be there for his ex, and his son, even though they moved to PA after the break up. It makes me realize how stong he is. We are both joining the military. He was doing the JROTC in high school, but when the baby came last year, he had to drop out to work for the baby. He's getting his GED and going back into the army. I think he is nervous that we wont work out if we both go into the Army, but it will work if we want it to. I'm going to be a nurse. And I want him to be with me there, on a base. He means a lot to me. He's the one person I will tell everything to. Because he cares. "Even with distance, I know true love can survive."

James and I talk alllllllllllllll the time. He works from 3am to 3pm and he has 2 breaks, which he calls or texts me at every time. Then when he gets home we talk for the rest of the day/night until we fall asleep. He's great. We skyped with Becca last night, it was nice. Not much to talk about. Massive snow storms have prevented me from doing anything good lol.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Olivia Marchand's death. Liv was my friend. She and I grew up together, since the 1st grade. She was killed one year ago, tomorrow. I'm sad and I'm upset but I miss her. I miss walking down the hall at school and seeing her face. She is hands down the most beautiful girl I have ever seen before. Dear Liv, I miss you like you could not imagine. Just seeing your face everyday made all the difference to me. I remember when I found out you were gone. I went to school and sat in my history room, to Mr. A announce your death to the school, at 8am. Many people didn't know that you had gone, me being one of them. I sat and heard your name. The most intense feeling rushed through my body. My heart broke. I went home, and created that page for you on facebook. It spread like wild fire. I miss you so much. I try not to cry anymore about it, but sometimes I can't help it. I know you are watching over everyone, even people you didn't know, just because you are that type of girl. I think about you every single day of my life. My tattoo is for you, for peace, and for love. I have learned so much from you, and I will never forget one second of your life. I remember 1st grade, I thought you were the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I wanted to be your best friend, and we were. You got sick all the time back then, threw up on me once while our teacher spoke and we sat on the rug. I miss you so much. I only have one question for you Liv, Do you remember me? "But if the sun shines know its because of you."

So I have a boyfriend. His name is James. He's great. He is 18. He has a son. His ex just told him that she thins she is pregnant again. She isn't, I hope. I mean she went to the GYN but they would have told her if she was pregnant. Tim's great. We are on the phone right now, talking about everything.

Work= quite fun. I enjoyed it a lot, even though I screwed up soooo many times....including putting the plastic funnel on the hot coffee burner and melting it alllllllllll over. Oh well. Out with Darcy tonight, clubbing the night away :) Work again tomorrow 1 to 8, ohhh yes. Going to be a good week ;D

So being bored for the rest of the day. Went to get my work clothes and did some shopping for the club tomorrow night. Should be fun, all my ladies from work are going :) It needs to be tomorrow already. I'm ready for work and partying.