I am not sure who you guys who comment on my posts all the time are, but I would really love to know. Its my last day in Westford until November. I'm not sure what to do.

So today was a bust. Chris bailed on me, I can't tell if he is just making excuses, or if he really just couldn't make it. All I can say, is that it has made the choice between Chris and Paul much easier...

Last night it dawned upon me. I like Chris, I really do. But I really like Paul. For everyone who doesn't know of Paul, he is a good friend of mine. We don't talk every day or talk about dating or anything along those lines. Paul lives in CT so I never see him unless we meet up in Boston. Last nigth Paul texted me, and I found that I am looking forward to seeing him the most when I go to school on Sunday, he is going to come visit me Saturday of the following weekend. Paul and I genuinly have feelings for each other, we just never acted on it. I want to be friends with both of my boys, Paul and Chris, and I think that I am going to only remain friends with them until I really feel like its right to date. So today I will tell Chris when I text him later that I don't want to date. That I want to keep us the way that we are. I like him, but I can't date somebody the day before I leave for school. I don't sound like a jerk then right? Last thing I want is the hurt either of them.

Chris and I are talking again, which is great. I like him so much. He is coming over on Friday night, and I cannot wait to see him. We are going to watch a movie, chill and cuddle (: Been talking to my friend Josh a lot. He seems pretty chill, like he could be a good friend. I like talking to him a lot. Moving into college on Sunday. Four. More. Days.

Things are iffy right now. I leave for school on Sunday. I am so happy, and excited, but I am so nervous. For my military class. It's going to be intense. I am supposed to hang out with my friend Joshua tonight, I'm not sure what exactly we are going to do, I just hope its fun. Chris and I aren't talking as much. I feel like I am scaring him away. We will see come Friday, if he actually comes over like we are planning. If he doesn't, then I probably won't talk to him anymore because this is the one time I am letting my guard down. I won't date anybody before school, but he is the one exception. We probably won't because of the fact I leave for school on Sunday, but I mean at least we could just hang out.

Hate country, but I love this song. Today I am packing all of my belongings, everything except for my clothes. I'm going to hit up the gym and then I am going to hang out with my friends (: This week is going to be good, I will make it.

So I have been out all day with Haley, it was fun. I hung out with Anthony last night, that was cool too. I'm extremely bored right now. I was supposed to stay at beccas house tonight but of course she "didn't get my text" so she won't come pick me up. But it's whatever. I need to stay out of this house, its driving me crazy.

I need to get out of my house. I can't handle all of this bullshit from my mother anymore. I'm tired of being made to feel like shit for not doing anything wrong, or just expressing my feelings to anybody. It's bullshit.

I don't know what to do :( I don't know if I should just let it go. I don't want to date before school. But I don't want to not date Chris. I want to so badly. I doubt he would date me anyways, he likes me yeah sure, but I am going two hours away. He flirts with me, likes me, as I do with him. I want to date this guy so badly. It's just crazy because I haven't wanted any part of relationships in over a year, and now he has completely wiped away every bad relationship fear I had, and he won't date me. That's what you get when you let your heart win.

I don't know what to do. I have legit feeling for Chris. He says that he likes me too, we talk nonstop. I like him a lot. I flirt my ass off when I talk to him, and obviously he's flirting back, but sometimes it's major mixed signals. He lives a half hour away. It sucks. He was staying in MA for the weekend, I hung out with him once. I really want to see him again before I leave for school. I want to get another hug and to cuddle with him and everything. He says he wants that too, how he always needs a cuddle buddy, and wants me. But then I tell him I miss him and I wana hang out soon and he has some lame excuse not to. I really don't know what he expects of me now. I texted him again, basically saying that I don't think that he really has feelings for me, and that I am busting my ass flirting and trying to see him again. I really want to see him again. He is the first person I would consider having a relationship with. He isn't my usual type, but I can imagine him and I. Sucks that I am going to college in a week too. Thank god he will come visit.