for pushing you away

I'm going to try and make this the last post I make here. You have fucked me around so much. I truly feel like you don't care, and while I'm trying to communicate with you, you still don't show any signs that you might. Posting pictures of yourself: "I'm so at bliss right now..." while I'm trying to talk to you about where we stand, means to me you OBVIOUSLY don't give a shit. You tell me you want to be with me but you go and fuck your housemate, so you OBVIOUSLY don't give a shit. You can't even come up with a response to me, so just fucking say it so I can move on with my life, because you are fucking killing me with your halfway bullshit. I'm sick of hurting over you. I don't need this shit in my life anymore. I am done trying when you don't make an effort, and constantly putting myself out on the line in the hope I can trust you for once, but obviously, I can't. So if it wasn't obvious enough already that you fucking your housemate would lead to me never going there again, here's your fucking indication.

This is the only place that isn't too direct. I'm trying to make this easy for you, you asked me not to txt you and you're right, it's for the best, so I won't (despite the fact I want to so badly). For some reason I still can't sleep properly without you by my side, even after the mess of last night, and I still find myself crying alone in this bed which is far too big for just Rosie and I. So, getting back together would end in a mess again. The past would come up and get in the way of happiness. I know I want to be with you again at some point in the future so maybe one day our daydreams will become a reality. I never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry for having done so. I'm sorry for a lot of things; for my confusion, my erratic moods and feelings for you. Truthfully, they will never change, I'll always care for you. It's funny... I got a txt while listening to our song (when I say that I am referring to the Bed Song), and dying to txt you, the build up of tears began falling over my beaming cheeks but of course, it wasn't you. Maybe that's not funny. Well it was actually pretty sad, but in all honesty I'm glad you're trying to push me away. It's better for you without me, I just cause us both so much pain. I'm sorry for this but I had to verbalise it somehow. Don't forget that I love you and will always be there for you whenever you need. As for now, I will wait for you to talk to me, whenever that may be. I wish you my very best, Lu, with all my heart.

we lasted a year and a half and last entry was at 8 months. I stopped doing this for soo long. ugh okay it went something like this... love confusion sadness regret confusion sadness confusion sadness confusion confusion confusion fucking LOVE, but not getting back together makes sense in my head, bro. I miss spending time with you again, funny huh?

I am proud of us for making it so long (: it's three quarters of a year. I think it's fairly impressive, and on the whole, I am more happier than ever. it's usually when I'm with you alone, I won't lie. but still it's a huge improvement from the past. I love you with all my heart. I'll try and do forever, and I promise to do always.

I am always so worried that I'm not going to be able to stop you from going off that edge. and I try so hard, I really do. I couldn't even imagine my life without you and when you mention wanting to kill yourself I get so scared, that at times I start shaking, worrying, that you didn't reply... what has happened? what could have happened? knowing that you are okay though is such a relief. I love you, I can't have you leaving me, okay? I don't know what I'd do. anyway I just needed to get that off my chest, it's been stressing me out. but of course, I don't mind, I'm here for you always no matter what. nothing will get between you and I. nothing. try and sleep, try and forget. and always remember that I love you, hopefully that is something worth fighting for.

we've always thought from the point of view, that you and I, we were like naoms and ems. and yeah of course we relate to them a ridiculous amount... however... now even more I think of eff and fred. so much, it kind of scares me. and we know who's who. no matter how hard I'll every try, I don't think I'll be able to completely save you. and I'm sorry I won't be able to in the end, I'm really sorry.

and I mean it. I'll fight and I'll fight, for nothing but you. what I'm working for, that's for myself. everything else though, I know that in the future it's going to come down to us. if... that makes any sense. we are one of the strongest couples I know and that isn't coming from a biased opinion. but it's only because we are strong for each other. if we ever stop bring strong then we could fall apart and especially you, you are doing so fucking well. it's easy for me being strong because I'm so used to putting on a mask and despite not really caring for much in my life there is a place I want to get. and I am going to get it. after that I'm all yours. I just have to stay focused, you know. but aside from my little thoughts. today was really nice (: I enjoyed being sneaky in your room and our walk with archie. I kinda liked the rain, it was nice. oh and I love how much we love one anothers bodies, despite ourselves hating our own. it pretty much cancels each other out. it's lovely. you're lovely. we're lovely. I love you &it's almost six months baby. that's half a year. in another half we'll be up in victor which I am very excited for. try to be positive, I know it's really really hard but I believe in you.

I spent two hours in bed with you. entirely alone. no interruptions, just you and I. l word. two hours. fucking. two hours. l word. yeah it was good. but I miss you now, and I'd like for you to come back, when do you think you can hunny? I love you (:

everything has gone BOLD. no idea why.