baby. what will we do about this? the me affecting you too much? i guess, i can try and not tell you so much, try and support you more, i don't know. and i don't want to drag you down, but right now it's weighing on my mind. and really it's my fault. and i'm sorry about last night, i didn't mean to make you mad, or sad, i didn't even expect you to reply, and i figured out early on that your phone was out of battery. i just needed to tell someone, and it was horrible, the most brutal, honest, heartwrenching conversation i have had, think about the one when told you about ell, it was worse, i'm sorry. maybe we're just gonna have to take it as it comes, talk it out? i'm sorry i couldn't come to that party, you looked amazing, and honestly, you telling that killed me, i don't have to tell you everything, i can talk to lian more, if it's easier, or just tell me if it's a bad time, and know i'm always here sorr. this will make no sense and yeah, tday was wierd, but it was good too ( it was, and i loved holding you, and being there for you, and just being with you, and in taylors room, i can't explain it, looking into your eyes, holding you like that, it was lovely and that goodbye, just XD yeah, today has been, interesting, anyway. i'm sure you'll read this sometime and lian, well baby, i'm not too good with words right now, but that song, it explains everything,

That was the second time, in so many visits to Jay that I’ve left crying and I don’t know why. It would have been nice if you would have told me Edie was going to be there. I didn’t mind so much, but. Fuck I don’t even know. I love you so, yet I never see you, when I do I just break down, you get so busy, and we don’t talk so often. I’m sure it’s just all the year twelve pressure, but is it? And the paranoia kicks in. I just don’t fucking know, why, on those rare rare occasions I get to see you do I get so sad that I want to be alone? What’s going on? I don’t want us to end, I don’t want us to break up, and I don’t know why but it’s in my mind. I guess, maybe it was a larger part than I care to admit, that it was Edie, you guys are so close, you’re almost like a different person around her, you basically speak in a secret code of inside jokes. I’m not jealous, not at all. I just guess, I kind of feel that I’m not so important, I don’t really remember what last summer was like, you being so busy and all. I DON’T KNOW I JUST DON’T FUCKING KNOW AND I WANT TO, OR MAYBE I DON’T. I JUST FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST MY GRIP ON EVERYTHING, SCHOOL, FAMILY, AND YOU, THE MOST IMPORTANT CONSTANT IN MY LIFE, AND I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING YOU AND I DON’T KNOW WHY, THERE’S NO REASON, IS THERE? I hate that I am constantly on the verge of tears, paranoid, always questioning. And the sex thing, don’t worry about it, today definitely wouldn’t have happened, not with Edie there, and your fingernails so long. This wave of tiredness just hit, and I want to give up. I just want to surrender myself fully to the tears and the sadness, but you aren’t here to hold me, and bring me back, and my ‘knight in shining armour’, well, he has no credit. I’m going to sleep now. Then wake in darkness, go and post this, research for my long overdue draft, and I’ll tell you I’ve written this, but you’ll be busy doing your photography. And, I have a feeling, that all I’ve just written is an excuse, an excuse for some fear that’s hidden so deep down that I can’t vocalise it, even access it.

i got 3 bs and 2 As. NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LAST REPORT. i don't know what else i was expecting, becuase i haven't been working, i got my first B in Indo EVER, i am so so fucking disapointed, now i have to study reallreally hard for the exam, but i can't be fucked the last week has been spent in anger pain and tears, i cut two nights ago and i still haven't done enugh work, not at all but tonight, the bonfire tonight, staying with jay no matter what, the picnic the next day and good sir, we are so indebted to each other aren't we, thank you again, again, again. and remember, i'm ALWAYS fucking here, never not, even if i'm swarmed by bats i'll be there to help, so remember to tell me stuff, kay?

just. i don't know. highs and lows, tears and smiles. really, i'm so sick of school, iput so litttle effort in that i'm living in a constant state of shame the mere idea of art paralyzes me i juts,djfdjkjkfdjfjkjfkjkjfd and really what reason do i have to complain? at least i havent' been given 8 months to live. and that's another thing. i just want to curl up into a ball, with you and cry and cry and cry my heart out, and tell you everything and anyhing that's on my mind all of my fear s, my hopes, my dreams, any fleeting thought. but i don't see you till saturdya, if i'm lucky, and then we'll only be taking photos. and i miss you, and need you and for somereason i just spend my day sitting at a computer screen, trying to some up some motivation and i know you're busy, and you're probably sleeping right now, but i feel like i'm always texting you first at the moment, which is neither true or bad. just, just, just/ i want it all over, i want nothing, i want peace.

She sent me that message, the one about a certain boy not being able to face up to possible sexual feelings or whatever. Hang on, I quote “scared to face potential feelings, classic signs of being scared of your sexuality.” Which made me think, I kind of just fell into this, I think, I first realised, at one of Gee’s parties, maybe the beginning of last year, when I fell, what I thought, was madly in love with ell. Erggh. Such a mess. I unno, then I kind of just accepted that I liked her, that I liked girls, maybe one, maybe all?? and went back to getting with guys despite how much I liked her. And then time just trundled along, and eleven months, one boy friend and so many unfulfilling random hook ups later I met Jay. At the beginning I wasn’t sure, I remember flirting with you on fb, that first night, and being so confused, was I just flirting coz I knew she was gay? Or did I maybe like her? I think that night, the first time I commented on her wall, something banal, I don’t even remember, I had no idea, and then we started talking, yadayaddayadda… and look were we are seven months later. Still though, I’m not sure what made me fall for her. These days I know I like girls, and the idea of guys is weird and strange, but part of me is curious, could I, would I ever go there again? And I want to know, but not right now, someday. It’s kind of like, will there be other girls after Jay? I have no idea, I don’t even want to contemplate us breaking up, but I kinda want to know, I want to be certain about it. I can’t force it though, I’ll work it out one day, I hope, but I hate being kind of like…. Am i? do I say I am? Or use that dreaded label ‘bisexual’? it really shouldn’t matter, but it does to me. Like me and jay, we plan our wedding, our future, our home but there’s still a little part of me that aches to be part of that suburban husband and wife, two kids and an SUV sort of life. But then again, I think about it, and it seems weird, I can’t image a wife, or a husband. i’m just not sureee. Ah I don’t think this makes any sense.

one more exam left, the big scary 3 hour indonesian one, for which i have done not one ounce of study. art wasn't too bad, it wasn't great, no where near 'deep enough' but i'm pretty sure i passed. i wonder though, when did i become this girl? who cries and slices in an attempt to be free from her own thought, her own body, her emotions. when did i decide i wanted blades and scars, the physical and mental harm? it's clear now, that cutting isn't going to take me to the same place that it used to, so why do i persist? is it this stupid human quest for a fucking nirvana? is peace of mind to much to ask for? last night, even as i cut i knew it wouldn't help, just another scar, on top of another, adding to the mental har, why the fuck? i don't understand, and if i don't understand, there's no fixing it. there though, is one known, hard to come by fix to the physical pain, your touch baby.it can calm the physical fury that rages inside. the mental cure? well i haven't found one yet.

For the past three or four weeks barely a day has gone by when I haven’t cried, wanted to kill myself or had that fog hanging over me and a that sinking feeling in my stomach. an appointment with the doc is well overdue but I can’t bring myself to make that call. I hate the humiliation of leaving his office with a tear stained face. But I am just so fucking sad. I want it too stop, but I’m not too sure how to make it go away. For nearly every minute of every day I want to cut, my arms ache from old scars and feel the need to bleed. I feel phantom blades tracing across my wrists. The old scars on my side, my stomach and my legs, they become worry stones. I rub them and feel comfort. I want to cut, and when I do to cut deep but I lost that ability long ago. I miss those cuts that bleed and bleed. The calmness, the exhaustion that follows cutting. I shouldn’t idolise it, but god, it’s good. Today though, has been good, I’ve smiled and laughed and wasted the day. most importantly though, I haven’t wanted to cut, I don’t feel that sinking feel. Please let today finish on a good note

after craving cutting for so long, after feeling the ghost of it on my skin almost every hour of every day, i cut. eh, i'm still therem kind of, still in bat country, and not really a way out, bub, i miss you, i can still kindof smell you on my fingers, even though i washed my hands, and wearing your perfume makes me feel closer to you, i still haven't started my homework, i'm catching up on looking at a few blogs i've missed, and plus, i went to do a listening thing, but it wasn't there anyway. you m'dear, i have no words, i miss you, i wish we were back in bed, spending a whole night with you. knowing that it's possible to do that, mm hjdfsfdhfdjksdjkfdjjdfsj (:

I wonder love, do you still check up on this? Even though I haven’t written for so long. I keep on meaning to, and I do, I write small snippets of, just stuff, really but when I actually have access to interwebs to post it, I never feel the same way and I don’t want to worry you. I miss you jay, I’m lying here in bed wearing your top, I hope you’re enjoying my necklace. I’m not really in the mood to talk, but I’ll leave it to chance, whether you read this or not, we’ll see. I’m guessing, once you call I’ll enjoy talking to you. So, sup? Well, not much, nothing at all lately, I am tired and uninspired, unenthusiastic and lethargic. For the past week, no longer, I don’t know how long, i just can’t be bothered, i have small bursts of energy where I can do some stuff, but outside of that, it’s almost painful to try. This is so very not good, especially because I have exams next week, and two assignments to finish by next Monday, not to mention the eternal bitch that is stage 2 art. And I kind of just waste all this time. I know that I should go back to ross, but I don’t want to make the call. I haven’t cut for ages, last night though was so tempting, mum was in fine form, espousing her shit to anyone and everyone whether they wanted to hear it or not, instead, I stuck my headphones in my ears and drowned it out. Because of this shit feeling, I’m putting on more weight, which is more weight I’ll have to lose later on. I’ve stupidly promised my brother that I’ll run with him in the city to bay, it’s in September or October I think, but judging by how I feel at the minute I won’t make the effort to train. I wonder….. and now I’ve forgotten I lost my job too, well not really lost, but the kids I babysit for are moving interstate and yeah, I have to stay here. I’m so sad, I’ve known these kids almost their whole lives, and the youngest one, only two weeks ago he learned to say my name. so now, I’m left without a way to make money, that and I’m left without a place to escape. It’s going to be horrible, mum’s taken two weeks off for my exams. Two weeks with just me and her together all day, one of us isn’t going to make it through, and judging by her success rate in fucking up the people around her, it’ll be me, I mean she’s already half way there. I’d really like to slit my wrists right now, to have the comfort of cutting and the diagnosis of a suicide attempt to get me out of everything. Shallow huh? Haha, on a lighter note, I just found this, i’m so silly, and hopelessly involved in my daydreams, and too much of a romantic but here, this was from a few days ago: I was trying, and struggling terribly to fill out the form for our grad book. One of the questions is “where do you see yourself in ten years time?” to that, there is only one answer. 2020, living in America, just back from Iceland, where Jay and I finally were married, after a ten year promise. She’s playing tennis professionally, or she’s a photographer, working with the likes of Tegan and Sara, Lily Loveless and Ellen Page. And me? Who knows, maybe I’ll own a café-book-shop-thing with a couple of friends, or I might still be waiting tables or a check out chick, I might have gone to uni, and gone on to do important stuff. We might even have our first kid by then. We’ll live in an apartment, somewhere gay-friendly in America. It’d be cool if it was a penthouse, but a small cramped thing would be fine too. It would have to be near a park, not too far from cafes and a cinema. In our home we can have a room dedicated entirely to reading, with floor to ceiling bookshelves, a collection of mismatched arm chairs and really thick comfy carpet for lying on. We could spend weekends in bed, or out, seeing bands etc etc. We’ll watch movies together too in our spare time, though who knows how much time you’ll have, and I guess, I’ll follow you around the world, because, baby, all I want is you, and all I need to be happy is to be with you. We can own both a cat, and a dog, and I’d like some fish too. We’ll be far away from family, but it’s good like that, and you know, coz you’re so good at tennis and all, when the Australian Open is on we’ll come and little old Adelaide. .

i miss being about to pour my soul out on here, knowing that you'll read it and that you'll do something about it. it's horrible, so horrible not seeing you, it just hurts, worse that not talking to you for a week, worse than everything. and school atm, i just can't be bothered, i dont want anything but to see you, i don't know, i just don't all this fucking apathy hhaa, my clothes for nick's are already laid out, i know excatly what 'm wearing, it's sitting on my cupboard waiting for saturaday you know what, it basically comes down to: i miss you it hurts, alot and i'm sad and i neeed you.