its been awhile, iv been having magical wonderful days fullof light but the work has been building up and Jays away for the night, which i don't know why but it makes me so fucking insecure then something happened, mum started yelling, and i lost my motivation for work, which sucks, coz i did do some toiday and i watched freddies episode which is a BAD idea, coz effie reminds me of me and criedandcried. and had this premonition thing of like a year into the future, stretched out on some randoms bed, all cut, bleeding out screaming all my friends names, jay, lian, jimmi, luke, ranna, hannah, dot, even for mum and nw im feeling just a bit fragile, alittle bit broken. i don't want to sleep alone tonight, but i have no choice in the matter

to try and explain what's in my head, and what i'm trying to tell you. i dont wanna push you away, i want to seeyou, but i dont, i want out of this family, but i wanna go to victor, hcjsed cwkjmn my head is made of fog and my limbs of lead i DO want to se you, but my parents dont want me too, they put it off, they dont want me to do anything im nto good at disobeying them and if you saw the look in my mothers eyes when i talk about you i know im running away, thats beaucase i just dont know anything, i dont want anything, i want nothing and eveything, i want you i cant even explain

last night, my parenst ahd this go about me, about how i swear too mch, how they think they should go through my phone, my facebook to check its appropriate, if they do, theyll find a side of me they dont know, and i doubt theyll like it oh NOTETOSELF: talk to ross im feeling horrible, my stomach acne, the work is bulding up and i cant stop beating myself up. its like luke. the world is tumbling around me and tiger arms sound so appealing and im getting so freaking close to bat country lastnight i ddint cut, but i got so close, i have these amazing new blades, really heavymetal, and i was lying there, and j txt mesaying please dont cut, i was like okay, if people make my descisions its better, its easier, then i got another text, DONT DO IT, and i was likefuckyouUU, tyring to ciontrol me, and i scized out abit ckx,kdfjlalflf and theres so much hw, i wonder, what would happen if i didnt work at all anymore this yuear, if i just didnt go to school, did stuff i like instead, maybe i'd be happy? but sont worry i didnt cut, i slept and woke up grumpy, i'm thiniking i mighjt just bail to victor on sunday, and not come back for the rest of the holidays i really want to, not even go to moustache monday, just not see anyone at all

now self desrtuction, (: ah not really, i feel horrible i hate it that i feel fucking guilty asking my parents to see my fucking girlfriend oh, and my hair is kinda fallingout and the parents are raging i just wnat it all to go away fcukthisfeeling and baby pls reply to my txt?

weell, you see, i fucking love her, everything about her makes me smile, makes me wet i want to go back to fucking behind that tree, cuddling on the blanket in the sleepysun kissing you lazily in the shelter and sleeping on you in the car

(: the holidays have started well, FINALLY saw chicago (: and JAY (: the picnic was loverly, argh t hough the cold has killles my head, and my meds mean i cant type,

i'm feeling kind of sad right now, i think its the sudden realisation of a wasted day, and knwoign you wont do anything about it, so i think i might go to bed,

really. its ridiculous. last night, i was someone else, part of a different family and my grandmother was trying to murder the other members off my family, i managed to get my little brothers and sisters out of the house but then she pushd my pregnant mother down the stairs, i dragged her out of the house, picked her up, and was carrying her around blackwwod, screaming for someone to call an ambulance, i passed SO many of my freinds, they ignored the fct i was stumbling round with an unconcious bleeding women and just walked on in the mean time, i couldnt find dad, and the kids kept on running away from me, and somewhere deep down i knew that nanna was coming back to get us, in these dreams, i always know i'm dreaming, but i can never change my dreams, and it takes somuch effort to wake up,

i can still feel your nails drawing circles on my back i want you please

last night was great, pancake kitchen is yeh, the best restaurant ever (: three days till holidays, then easter egg hunts and moustache appreciation day (: its ok, theres a stud day too, art shop here i come, i need watercolours, seeing as iv finally started my final :/ nannie went into hospital today,shes having a brainscan to check she's all ok for the shock therapy, today it suddenly hit me she was going in, i deflated, just started crying. i have worked on my application for at least 4 hours today, so tired. though, i went today, and worked out the printing, now i just need the words perfect.easier said than done.