I'd like to invite you over to dinner, cook you something lovely, buy you flowers for the table. But then again, I'm not sure I want to see you. Your way with words, well, it never fails to bring a tear to my eye, but... even though I cried, I didn't feel too sad. It was more frustration, wanting. It's hard to explain, eloquence has never been my strongest point. And now, I start talking to you, and you say to 'do what's best for me' and that just makes me feel selfish. And maybe the best thing isn't to leave you alone? Maybe it's to write you poems, put a ring on your finger. That could be the best thing for me. Then what? I cannot stand the thought of you hurting, reading of you alone, in tears in that massive bed, it's horrible. It brings back those nights where we'd spend all night talking rehashing the past. Over and fucking over. I don't understand, can't we leave this shit where it belongs? I understand that you don't want a relationship, and I can't say that I do right now either. It was too intense before. But there is love, so much, too much. I swear I've written these words to you a thousand times before. We're still going in circles. I'm sick of circles, come over for dinner sometime?

Writing this seems like something from an angsty teen movie, but I find it hard to articulate my thoughts and feelings verbally, so hopefully I can make myself clear through this note. Maybe, on Saturday night I wasn’t clear. Jess put the ad up about needing a roommate about a month ago, I’ve been thinking of it ever since I saw it. However, the idea of moving out has been on my mind for a few years, since Year 9 probably, to be exact. I’ve just never had the funds, or a feasible opportunity until now. Today, I have both. This is something I want to do, that I am going to do. I’d prefer if you, both of you, were accepting of the decision that I’ve made. If not, I am planning to move anyway. I’m now legally old enough to make my own decisions even if you do not see me being an adult on your terms. I know that moving will change things, I know that I will be responsible for everything myself, but that is a step and a challenge that I am prepared to take. I’m not doing this on a whim; there are significant reasons why I am doing this. These include, that I will be closer to both uni and work. While, I know my current job is less than ideal, it’s likely that any future employment I have will be in the city, or at least close to uni. Also, this is something Ross and I have discussed at length, and we both feel it may improve the family dynamics. Greater independence is important to me as well. Another factor that I have considered, is the financial cost that I have while being under your roof, this may not be significant to you. But I do know that the physical and monetary cost of driving me to work isn’t fitting in with the amount of money, and time spare. I can support myself now, and it seems reasonable that I remove myself as a financial burden to ease the strain on you. So, the purpose of this letter is to tell you that I have carefully considered this, and that I will be, moving out and living in Unley in the future. I plan to do this as as soon as possible, because it is uni holidays, and I have some time off from work in the next two weeks.

*3rd time lucky sm!

i'm hoping to hell, maybe even praying. the rent is down to 87 a week, she's got another housemate, so there's one room left. she said i'd be her first preference, i think. i'm going to see the place tonight. i have not wanted something so badly since... in fact, i can't ever remember wanting something this badly. i just hope it works out. please. please. i want this, i need this.

still sick still tired still poor still feeling crap still procrastinating still missing you still hating myself these are my ever present constants

i think i've made a decision, i want to leave. it will make things easier, i think. in some ways. in the more important ways.but lian or jess? jess' is there already. i'm going to check her place out later this week.... and if we get a third housemate, that'd be awesome! the only thing i'm a little aprehensive about, is that i don't know her that well.. but she seems a chiller, and keen to let me move, so that's a good thing. jdsjkfjdjfsjk i hate that i have this stupid aprehnsion about catching buses, i hope, when i need to catch them all the time it will fade. and maybe i'll even start riding a bike? who knows. and then the other thing, telling my parents, oh golly. i don't know how i do that. i'm not sure why i'm deliberating... my decision is pretty much made.

i only write on here at specific points in my life, and then i randomly decide to put in posts about 'normality' but they never seem to make much sense. so, it's that time of the year, month, day, lunar cycle, whatever again. I'm sick, i have a massive assigment to do- worth 40% on a topic i don't understand, due friday. i am actually spending every wasted minute yelling at myself to do my work, but nothing is happening i'm too tired. i'm supposed to be going out three nights this week, but i think that's a terrible idea. and then, there's you. so, we're spending a fair bit more time together, and yes, we've been sleeping together, and that 'love' word has been used, multiple times in fact. and you posted on here, now, that was a surprise. i still love you, and you, say that you love me too. when we're together... well... it feels like it did, right back in the beginning. in those heady days of finding out all about who you were, the incessant texts, conspiring to spend even a few minutes together. it's like that, but older, deeper, different. i love you more these days. this love it feels physically deeper, i don't know if that makes sense. but i know, that i care for you, with such tenderness it makes me ache. it feels as if my heart is straining against my rib cage, wanting to be let out so that it can scream to the whole world "my heart belongs to jacinta rose" it's a stronger love, more considered than last time. it just feels different, and it feels different in a good way. and at the same time, i don't want to dive into a relationship, it's enough to spend time together, to be in your life, your arms sometimes and to know you feel a similar way. i'm not even sure that i'm expressing things clearly, all i know, is that i do love you, and in the future, yes, i still want to be with you. right now, what we have, it's enough. and actually, it's quite lovely.

but then again. i don't wish. i love you, still. that's that. i can live with that, but it's hard knowing the feelings aren't reciprocated. part of me just wishes i could let go. you fill my thoughts for a good majority of the day, and even when my mind isn't on you, i just long for your company, your arms around mine. i always used to be the one who moved on first, who'd be able to cope well with breakups. i was fine, i found it so easy to replace one with another. but now, there's you. and i can honestly say, i want to spend the rest of my life with you, i want kids, to grow old with you by my side. i don't necessarily want us to be together now. it's like, i'll stay at yours, and it will be amazing, and i don't want to stop that, not at all. but then, the next few days, i just miss you so much. then it gets to the end of the week, and i don't know when i'll see you next, and i just want to be with you again, and we don't talk as much. i just love you. jacinta rose. it's that sort of love that is so deep it hurts, that's burned into the fibre of my skin. and it's fucking horrible at the same time, because you don't feel the same way, and there's this promise of maybe in the future. and i just don't know. all i know is i love you, but it hurts, and it makes me so so sad sometimes.

why do i do this to myself? waiting for th sun to come up so i can put the chickens out and then sleep all day before work tommorow. i'm allready wanting to cut, bite, burn, hurt myself, then i somehow find myself reading our chat history and i'm crying and shaking and i don't understand all i knwo is i'm making myself saddder and sadder and that's stupid and i really don't know. i just know, i feel fucking horrible, i need someone to come and hold me, put me to bed, anyone. i don't fucking care who. just someone.

i write this journal for myself, if an entry is adressed to you in anyway, then it's me communicating with you. otherwise, it's just for me. last night. i'm sorry. i guess i knew you'd read that post eventually. i didn't mean it to hurt, i wasn't even thinking about you when i wrote it... does that make me selfish? possibly. i'm sorry you heard details, but if i feel like it, i'm going to write about her. and yeah, it's a just a crush, a strong one but just a crush. have you noticed, we've swapped roles? the other day you were telling me about your thing for caitlyn, and for that other girl (? maybe, i can't remember) and i said i didn't want to see you. i think.. i think, that we need to be apart. the going from not being together, to being just friends straight away never works, and we've shown that. and i won't deny, in the future, i probably/may will want to be with you again, there's still a part of me, that thinks 'what if' after america, or even, in less of the future than that. i guess, i forget sometimes how different we are. i don't know what you want, and i don't know how i can help you.we were together such a logn time, and to be honest, it was very intense for most of it, so it's going to take time to get used to that. i'm just going to leave you be. and as a warning, i may post more about emma, or what i've been doing. just ignore it, but i've been writing heaps lately, all of which will probably be posted here eventually. i want to get back into writing. i can't think of anything else to say.