sorry.look, i'm not completely over you, howver i'm really drunk right now. who knows what will happen with emma, if it does, i have no idea. ther'll always be a place for you, in my h eart. but honeslty, i'ver met someone, she make3s me laugh, and if anything happens it does, if nothingm then it doesn't. that's all

i did not get enough sleep last night, and biggles then went and somehow locked himself in alice's room and ate everything and made a massive mess >< grrrrr. however, it was worth it (: she rocks up at work, and then offers to drive me home... this girl who lives in the barossa. she's pretty cool, ngdrjkgdfjk she just makes me happy, her goofiness, the fact that she can somehow speak ancient eqyptian and arabic, her tattoos.that her favourite drinks are midori and cider. i could go on... i know so much about her yet i havent even known her a week, but it feels like so much longer. i'm not being very articulate about this, i unno, she just makes me smile. who knows what will happen? (though i really hope i meet her in town tonight, and that she'll stay over, because i'm sick of having a kingzise bed to myself :p )

i won't reply, but i know you'll check here eventually i'm sorry you're feeling shit, just try not to think about anything to do with us. it's okay not to talk, not to see each other. it's fine, i'm okay now, and you will be soon too. we had a long relationship, and that takes time, and space apart to get over. i'm not going to say i'm completley over you just yet, but compared to my last few posts i'm a whole lot better. i'll be waiting here, for when you've sorted stuff out, to be your friend. i really hope you stop feeling shit, i hate knowing that you're sad, and that i'm the cause of your sadness.

i'm housesitting, spending heaps of time alone, working and going out fair bit. spending time with friends, on holidays for uni and i am so happy, i'm just content. i like this. (:

or is it early in the morning? i don't even know anymore, i don't know. i fucking work all the time, at crazy hours, without enough time to sleep properly between them. and i'm feeling sick from being so tried and just dirty and grimy and gross. my bed is horrible, my dreams are scary. and i'm so fucking lonely. and sore. always sore. right now the only thing i want is someone, and by someone i mean you jay. to hold me, sing me to sleep, keep me safe. all of that. i just don't feel strong enough to do any of it. i thought i was going okay with getting over you, i thought it was fine. until we started talking more, and you're so familiar. and i don't know. i found that line. THAT ONE WHERE YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME MORE THAN TEGAN AND SARA. and i'm still crying because i miss us, and we were so good. and i don't know what happened. but i'm pretty sure it's my fault. i hurt you like i always said i would, even though i tried not too. but i'm just a fucking bad person. bad person. I JUST FUCKING WANT TO BE OVER THIS ALREADY. I WANT TO BE OVER YOU. i'm so angry right now. but i don't want anyone else. i just want to not want you anymore, and you've moved on already. and it sucks. and you propose things for possibly after america. and it's so fucking confusing. and on top of it all i'm so tired and i just want a hug. and i want this to be over i want this to be over i feel fucking pathetic and i so hope you don't read this anymore i want this to be over. OVER. OVER. OVER. OVER. OVER. OVER. i can't handle it right now. tomorrow is going to suck. the next two weeks are going to be horrible. 65 hours, in 2 weeks. why are the fuck do i need that many hours? when i only got paid 23 hours for the week before... and now my other pay book's gone, and 65 fucking hours. where is my life? i make subway for most of it. whoooo!!! i need to sort out who i'm seeing and when. cramming in the most important people in my life around making sandwiches and serving drunk cunts. i'm so fucking out of it right now. i just fucking feel horrible. so sick. and i want to drink but i can't because my liver will explode. i am going to listen to the rest of my alkaline trio play list, and then the used. and hopefully i';; be asleep and wake up in a better place, a better time... but wait that's streetlight. anyway.

i miss you, and not so much in an i miss us way, because i do miss us. tonight though, i just miss you. we started talking on chat, and now the conversations kind of halted, but i still want to talk. however i don't want to.... you kept it up (: that really fucking makes me smile. you telling me that, about counting back from a hundred, i felt like you were here. for some reason i read that in the most tender voice. fuck. i stilllove you, so much. i'm still in love with you too. but, i do have alittle crush. on mik, who is straight, so straight. and yeah, she's gorgeous and feisty and amazing, but don't know. it's nothing serious. but like, she's lovely, she came and visited me at work saturday, when i was doing drag alone. tonight, she was sitting on the bench and i turned around, and just saw her, and i had the most overwhelming desire to kiss her. she has lovely lips. but still, not as beautiful as Jay. and it's not serious. just a passing fancy.

you took the only nice photos of me, as far as i can find. i need a new one for my blog, but i look gross in all of them and it hurts to look at the ones you took of me, and i can't use one of us anymore, that's just far far too painful i need to get my laptop back

we got more cattle last night, and they woke me at fucking 3 am, they have not stopped mooing all night, and i can't get back to sleep. i feel fucking hideous, sickly tired. i slept until 3 pm yesterday. before bed, i was just feeling so horrible, so alone. i miss Jay, but again i'm in this predicament where i don't. it's been so long since i've kissed anyone, been held. there's that intimacy, having a crush, all of that, which i usually have. i mean, i have a slight crush on mikaela, but she's so straight, and i'm not going to jepardise anything with her, and i don't want to. there was that cute girl from slutwalk. but i'm not anywhere near over jay. i compare everyone to her. the sad thing is though, the memories are getting hazy, of us. they're there. but i try not to think about it. try to keep all the thoughts of her out of my head becuase i just get too too sad. i just want to be held before sleep, while i sleep. have someone make me breakfast, send me cute messages. it'll be good when hannah gets back. the pressure of exams will be gone, and we can just go out, get drunk , go shopping blah blah all that. i might move in with tay for a bit. be close to him, jedi. i just need to surround myself with all my friends. distract myself from Jay. look after myself, sleep, eat well. save money so i can travel. and now, back to revision.....

*** old emails from luke*** --------------------------------------------- From: satansviper314@hotmail.com To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 13:04:05 +1030 things are soo deep with you, when i think about my history with you its like im walking into the sea, it just gets deeper till i'm in over my head... then the floor slips away and its just a big spance of.. and thats where it cuts off, i cant describe it... its weird... but lately its not drowning, it was something else after pagent... --------------------------------------------- From: satansviper314@hotmail.com To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 12:54:40 +1030 siiiiiiiiiiigh... i know i can get you back, im your fucking kriptonite... but i know your a flirt, i dont know if its that or if u actually think there is something in me... i get confused alot :P i think i over thing things xP --------------------------------------------- From: satansviper314@hotmail.com To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 13:38:23 +1030 yes, your mental state :P i dont know if it will happen or not, your attitude these days seems to consist of "cbf" :P im always up for a try with you, coz i know even if its a 1 in 1,000,000... it'd be worth it :P the sacrifice of failure is nothing compaired to the feeling of sucess :) yes, you do want me :P ---------------------------------------------- To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 13:12:27 +1030 yea i remember... mrs blue, sose classes holding your hand :P those were the days, not a fuckin care in the worldddd i know you want me to agree with you there, but i also know deep down u want me to say what im gonna say, which im saying coz i want to say it, not coz i know you wanna hear it... the sea is never too deep, esspecially for us... ive been feeling like i want to whisper 1000 differant things in your ear, like i wanna hear your breath, i wanna feel it on my chest when you go to sleep... but yer... mmmm

it hurts to see any mention of you, before when i saw your name as accreditation on that photo it killed, not just because it was your name, but more, because i know we're no where near as close anymore, and we're not gonna be, for a long time, if ever honestly. i just wish there was a switch that i could flip to be like, i'm over you. i hate hurting like this.