^^^^^ y there no cute girl in my bed? >________

today's been better, and not. better, because i DID manage to start my essay, at 3 am last night i wrote 500 words. i'm now up to 1000, just need a hundred more. i bought some pretty shoes, they make me look so nice, 120 dollars well spent, there's something about the colour red, it never fails to bring my mood up. but still, all this uni work is dragging me down. and i started thinking about you again, it's going to take so long, to get over this. but i'm seeing ross tonight, it'll be good to have a chat and talking to miranda last night was great i'm just going to write and write and write on here, until i have it all figured out. things really are looking up, i can't wait for holidays. i'm going to have hannah here, and we can shop and go out. and i won't have to worrry about study, work is so easy compared to study. i'm just going to do things that make me happy; cook healthy food, do yoga, zumba, read books, magazines. just relax and relish the beauty in things. i've just gotta get to the 10th. i can do it, only 100 words of this essay, then the exam tommorow morning and then another 1500 words, plus work on wednesday and thursday. it won't be that hard, well it will. but the past couple of days have shown me that i can do it.

reading all those old journal entries, well it feels like a million years ago. and it kind of reconfirms the fact that it really wasn't working. i just hope, maybe, that in the future, we could start again, who knows? i would still truly love to spend my entire life with you. and i guess, really it's going to take time. i need to remember that. Jay, i don't know if you read this, but if you do, try not to let it affect you, i need somewhere just to write everything, i'm trying to keep how i feel off tumblr, because i'd assume you see my stuff on there more. and it's not all to do with you, i feel shit because it's winter, i'm stressed etc etc etc i think i'm going to cut, i don't know, i've got two razors ready, gauze. i just dont know if i actually want to, if i'll be able to break the skin. i'm not. i just, can't be bothered. i'm too fucking apathetic.

I don’t really feel like the world of tumblr is ready for the full extent of my inadequacies and self loathing. so i'm trying to pretend that i'm coping. and i sort of am. except for uni work, that has just gone out the window. i don't care, not really. i know i'm throwing away money. but i don't care. so, i feel like a horrible person i just am. oh guess what. luke fucking taylor is back in adelaide. until october. so yeah. last night, i got home from work, feeling like shit, and got incredibly drunk bymsyelf and spent a very very long time on the phone to lian. and good sir, i'm sorry for your phone bil. it was the most fucked up conversation i ever had..... it's not going to happen. sorry dear. just. can't believe. i'm going t hush now. so yeah. life just feels sucky. in places, like the 6:30 train home after work in the morning, it's so lonely, and, being my nighttime everything bad comes up in my head. i don't even know. these thoughts were so succint in my head last night. just, Jay, i'm fine not being with you. but like you said, i miss the cuddles. that routine, it was so comforting know it was there. and it was lovely. sos yeah. my head is a mess. seeng my shrink tuesday, hopefully he helps. i need to sort my shit out. i've started wanting to cut again. which isn't fun.

i'm not exactly sure where you're up to with your unattached thing right now,and honestly i have no idea what you mean and how to take the fact that you want to feel unattached and still be in a relationship. just know, i don't want to pressure you, but i do want it to get better. and i know it can, last night was pretty darn lovely. i'd like for it to be the way it was, and i know you do too, maybe we should just work on happy, on good for now? or even just not bad. i just hope and hope, that, i don't even know, i'm rambling like i do. just tell me what you want me to do, and i'll try my best. the ball's in your court baby.

I was crying for so many reasons, and none. Because I was tired and couldn’t sleep, because I was sad. Because, sometimes now, and I don’t know why, it hurts. Hurts so much to be with you. Because sometimes I wonder if you’re still physically attracted to me. because I felt so alone, because I hate that things change. Because I wanted you, but I didn’t, and I didn’t want to make the first move. Because I wanted to cuddle, but I wanted you to be happy, to have what you wanted more. Because I can’t say any of this to your face, and why? Because I wanted a nice night together, one that didn’t have tears and then I started crying. Because I see you once a week, and when we finally get into bed, you sit on your laptop, your phone, then kiss me goodnight when you’re tired and we go to bed. Because I see you once a week, and when we wake, you play computer games for hours. Because you seem so distant then get in that crazy mood, and I can’t don’t tell you how I’m feeling. because I’m oversensitive, and hoping that this is just all in my mind. Because I’m wondering, if this is just a rough patch, or is it the end. Because it’s easier to bite back tears and say I’m fine than start talking, because I can’t get those words out right. Because I love you, so so much. Just because. I was crying for nothing, for everything and just because.

hi darling. thank you so much for coming to the airport today, i know it would've been so hard seeing me cry, knowing that it may be like that a year from now. and thankyou, for seeing me today. it was so lovely, to set eyes on you after it being so long. chilling in ikea, that was so much fun, and i do so hope you had as much fun as i did. it's looking like tommorow is fine with my family, so i'll see you when you come to pick me up i guess. sunday seems fine too. today, while watching the l word, i was trying to say, and very badly at that, that baby, tell me if i'm being too touchy, if you'd like me to not touch you at all, i don't mind, really. so hey, thanks for today, it was just so beautiful. i love you, i'll see you soon. and i'm sorry i'm such a shit writer, i can never seem to get the right words out, but i try, i hope this makes sense. i love you lu.

i've been so good, for so long. and now i'm a little not so good for a little while. i'm hatin hating on my body again with its scars and cellulite and ick non perfect, no uglyness. and i'm hating it, hating it, and i'm so convinced that W will too. and i don't even wanna think about that, coz look how long it took me to be comfortable around you. and i'm feeling so fem all the time, so fucking feminine, and i can't strike a balance between fem and butch, and i can't feel comfortable in myself, in the way i look and the way i dress. i figure, maybe, the only way i will, maybe, is to shave my head and bind my breasts. maybe maybe. but then i put on my floor length hippy skirts and look like a girl and feel good and pretty, same as i do in a waistcoat and shirt. i'm so confused. always so confused and tired. so tired. and i can't decide whether to txt you and tell you i'm writing on here. and i hope you had funwith wallis (: she's so cool, but i'm so shy around other people, and she's just so cool that she kinda intimidates me. i want to change myself and become good. but i don't know how. i don't knw how to change. and the bruise on my arm has almost faded, but the horror, the terrible feeling of that, that time, that insanity is burnt into my mind.

because you say i neglect this. honestly, i have nothing to say, nothing, i sit at home, watch movies, eat, despair at the fact i'm putting on weight, miss people, decide i'm too lazy to even walk five minutes for facebook and then go to sleep, i'm wasting my life, doing nothing, just feeling blergh, there is nothing to say, happy now? sm is neglected no longer.

why am i so paranoid? why am i always so anxious and scared about us? it didn't used to be like this, what happened? especially after that message last night, i know you can't tell me stuff, and that's fine, just i worry. and it's stupid but i'm always so shaky its just a rough patch right? coz ofmy exams, your school and stuf?? only a month till summer holdiays, it will be all good then, won't it?