so goddamn fucking lonely.

you should have been there, i was aching for you, and it just didn't feel right without you. and today, at vegan festival, where were you to make silly comments? i miss having you in my life, i miss you. so much.

but they've gone what were they? all this working, i find it so hard to construct sentences these days. i need to sleep though work was so shit and i've started fantasising about cutting. the thought the red the pain the peace but i shouldnt its not even that bad my body just aches and aches and i'm so sleepy and this fucking essay is due in 5 hours, I haven't even started, I doubt I will even do it i just feel so fucking alone and the kitchen's a mess. i can't be bothered cleaning it. i can't be fucked doing anything. it's like that right now. blatantly lying to my family about uni. rarahhrahh. i'm just going to get drunk. at 8 am. whhoo.

I don't like your blog,not really, but i still check it every day because I want some glimpse of how you're feeling. I'm sorry I've hurt you so much, that this time, more than anything else. I'm so sorry, I miss you.

care, about what you consume, produce, about what you waste, and where that waste goes. care about yourself, others. care so much it hurts. care about something, anything, even care about not caring. just fucking care.

While I've made the decision to stop eating meat, I don't feel like I know enough to say I'm veg, I don't know how much protein and stuff I'll need to get from other sources, about ethics of buying food (in general, not just the veg thing) about animal ingredients that aren't obvious. All of that, and that I don't want to have another label. I just want to be. And Anne, I'm not going to talk to you about this, it's nowhere near my place, but she's hurting so bad. Is it just denial? Or is it that you hurt so bad too. Maybe you don't talk about things. But Jess needs something, to not even look at her. She needs at least one answer, to have hope? Or to just know you don't care. I really do wish that soon, as soon as possible, you'll be able to talk to her. She needs it.

i could remember more of that conversation from last night, the exact words. and that i got that cute girls number. and that maybe we should stop going out, and coming home so late that we're still awake when the sun begins to rise. and that i'm going to sleep in my own bed, i can't even remember the last time, it's been at least a week. over a week. and my window bangs a lot. hungover. and tired, such a long, but fun night, not one of those night's where everything's outstanding, but fun enough. oh so long. hdjhsjdhdfsjhjdfs and i know it's cruel to say it, but i doubt you're checking here anyway right now, but i miss you. i'm missing a limb, an essential part of me. and your toothbrush is still in the bathroom, and i got so excited, so excited that you'd be staying here, that we could spend your last summer here together. and now, there's going to be none of that. no pride parade holding your hand, no summerjust hanging out. god, i fucked it up.

today is not being fun, which sucks. something better happen tonight to make it lovely.

i know, i said that we should be apart, have space. i know i know, but right now, all i can think is that i don't want to sleep alone. be here when i sleep? can i stay at yours, maybe? just something. and we're back to those circles. because i start to move on, then i speak to you, and i remember. and there's always that tenderness. the urge to send a goodmorning,goodnight,wishyouwell message. the ache for your skin near mine, to see your smile. you know the song, untouchable face? it's on repeat in my mind. i just would like to spend time with you, just as whatever. i miss you, as a person. it's back to that stage again. please read this. please come play boardgames for a little bit on friday, even if you just hang out here for an hour after school? i'm sorry. i'm so fucking needy. i have no right to be. it's a sign i should sleep.

here is starting to feel like home. stumbling home from work in the morning, to toast and hummus, a bounce on the trampoline. sleep, then just hanging out, in the sun, chips, juice. just househould stuff, like washing, clearing up, i'm about to cook dinner. this place is so lovely, the vibes it has. the windchimes, the age, just it's so relaxed. and jess, jess is amazing. i'm so glad i live here (JAY, your post is underneath this once)