I'm worried. It just hit me, if in making this claim about unreasonable to live at home, and centrelink contacts my family, there is the potential to  cause a massive fight, as in, I might become estranged from them and now I'm so scared, what if I can't see my brother's anymore? What if my grandparents finally have to deal with the fact I'm gay and they desert me? I can't stand the thought of the fights that used to happen occuring again. I'm so stressed about this, and I haven't been since I've moved out, and it was fine this morning on the phone to the social worker this morning, so why is it so bad now? I can't sleep and my brain is whirring all of the worst case scenarios around in my head, and Jess is asleep and it fucking feels like that same old feeling from working nights. It's in the cold air. It reminds me of being awake at five am, unbearably sad, smoking outside on the porch and trying to seek some sort of solace in the internet. It's shit.

this decision is all i can think about, i don't want to post about it anywhere else, just incase it doesn't happen, but fuck, i'm so excited. yesterday jess wanders into the kitchen, and shows me this gorgeous cottage in Katoomba, for a similar price to what we're paying now, and that was the catylst, we sat in the sun, talking, planning, until it became clear it was more than possible, and the decision got made, we're moving. to Katoomba, after 1st semester of uni, and the lease runs out next year. there's so much to do, we're just going to take what can fit in the back of the troopie, and really the plan is to start anew. so, we're going to have, a backpack each, the bare minimal kitchen stuff and the cats. i'm going to enrol in open universities, get on centrelink until i can find a job (somehow save up $2000 if possible) and live in an awesome town in the blue mountains. i'm so fucking excited. 

It all came out, in a rush yesterday and I had to choose. 

I chose, I chose my head over my heart. This is horrible. I don't know how it's going to work, to live with J when she's 'greiving' over what we had, knowing what we had together. To live with S not trusting me at all. 

See, the problem is, I love both of them, I love them fucking entirely and they are huge parts of my life. But, even though it's an open relationship S hates J and she refuses to be with me if I'm still sleeping with J. I guess maybe, I didn't exactly disclose the full extent of my feelings about J.

I wanted it all. I wanted them both, but I can't have it, and I've accepted that. However, now I don't want anyone. I don't have the energy to live with someone who's trying to forget they're in love with me, I need to maintain the energy to fight against my love for her. I have to fight for S, she's hurt, so fucking hurt, and so fucking vulnerable, and she wants me to fight to show her my love, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know if I have the energy to do that. I guess I just want to run becuase it's hard right now, right? 

 

I can't write poetry about S, but words about J just fall from my mind constantly. I'm not sure I've made the right decision. This is fucked. 

It's been so long, but I really don't have anywhere else to be impartial and just write and write and write. 

So, I've found myself in this situation, and it's horrible, you know when you sleep with someone and it's supposed to just be a one night stand? Then you realise that you love them, that those feelings from a year ago came back. And that's fine, until it's unmanageable. And the issue is that she's the one woman who your partner hates, and who if you have a relationship with she's going to leave. And now you're stuck between electric and candlelight. They're these two women, who you cannot live without, who you live the same amount, but who have entirely different effects on you. 

I want both, but I know I can't have it all. I need to tell S, but then I lose her, I lose my future, my stability. If I tell J I can't do it anymore, I don't know. We tried, we tried, and that lead to the longest, most intense kiss of my life, slammed against the hallway floor. 

I fucking hate this, that I can't choose, but it's not that, I know what I need to choose, S is good for me, S is lovely. 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm fucked. I love the romance, I love the cuteness, and the intensity with J. 

This is going nowhere.