i wanna be interesting to you but doesnt everyone ? i write on my hands cause i want you to see it. i want you to see my thoughts and feelings in song form. i want you to see the lyrics that dictate my life. i want you to see them and think about what they mean to me. think about what they have to do with and who they are meant for. i want you to see them and worry that im killing myself inside. i want you to care for fucking once in my life about the heartache i might have or the fucked up things i cant handle in my own goddamn life. i want to seem interesting to you. i want you to be interested in my life. i want the things to mean something for once. i want people to see these words and think that im deep and have a meaning to my life. i want to see more than a heart broken teenage girl cause there is so much more to me than that. i want you to see what im thinking every damn minute of every damn day. i want you to watch me and see me change and react and grow. i want you to care about my feelings and that i get hurt and fall and stand back up all on my fucking own cause youre never fucking around. i want you to sit at home late at night and wonder about me, wonder if im thinking about you, what music im listening to, or if ive finally moved on and right at that second talking to some new guy. i want you to watch me and think im suicidal so you'll rescue me from myself. i want you to lie to yourself about me. pretend like you dont need me but pine away at night wishing for my body and whithering in agony because now all you have is memories and even those are beginning to fade. i want you to be sitting in the middle of the night thinking of me and not be able to stand it a minute longer. you sneak out and ride your fucking skateboard over and throw pebbles at my window till i open it up and beg for me to take you back. i want to be able to shut that window and go back to bed not wanting anything to do with you. but i know that id smile at you close the window and run down into your waiting arms and take you back in a heart beat. and i know the next day youd forget me and remember how much a big mistake i am and break me again. and id just keep on forgiving you and keep on letting you back in cause baby i believe in everyone im ready to accept that people can change and im willing to let them willing to give them that second change they really dont deserve. i think brand new said it best "i need you like water in my lungs."

i cant talk to this guy because i dont have the balls at all. you dont even understand my stomach right now i could puke its all in knots and i feel sick about it im so scarred of doing it bc im so scarred hes just totally gunna reject me AGAIN and i cant take that im fucking crying over this and then every time he signs off or i go to sleep at night knowing i didnt do it i hate myself for it its complete torture but i cant do it cause its better to not know what he says than to know if he says something horribly mean but i know that if i dont do it that it will be worse. ignorance is bliss but even the perfect paradise can be hell. it was the worst ending to 2008 ever the worst ending of a year i think ive ever had. and i just wanna be able to be friends with everyone and be happy but its not possible at all. cause i seem to be the only person willing to put shit behind and get over. i want things to go back to the way they were in october that was the best and worst month of my life and the day you stopped calling me was the day i stopped living. i still have that voicemail you left me on my phone. the one that only says hey um its me uh heres my new number uhh i forgot to give it you you so yeah uh call me back or something byee. you sounded so nervous and vulnerable and then at the same time like you totally didnt give a rats ass if i called or not. but i knew you wanted me to call so badly but i let you sweat and waited two days and then called and you seemed so relieved and then there wasnt a night that went by that we didnt talk and it was glorious i was in heaven and you were my ecstasy but now its all over. you stopped calling and i think i died a little inside. cause your voice is how i fell asleep but i tried to get over you it was just so damn hard. and i never completely did but i just wanted to be your friend to see you and have you look in my eyes with a genuine hello but its never going to happen. cause you dont care about me anymore and i dont have the courage to talk to you cause youre everything i love and everything i hate wrapped in one and it scares me so much inside. and you left me and seemed like everything was gone cause i had finally found someone to share my day with and sneak out at night with to wrestle with in the basement and tell me the truth you didnt care if you hurt me cause you knew i would just hurt you back and get over it you told me everything and it all felt so right. but it ended and you didnt care then. you left me and i wanted to leave me too. cause i knew there had to be something wrong with me for everyone to walk out on me like this. i did stupid things to myself and i became a shadow of myself and now im finding my footing and my way again and you come back and just cut me down. you dont want me to get back up and i will do whatever you want but its over im done surrendering to this. im going to get this done and over with im going to fling the door wide open walk in the room and then leave slamming it shut forever looking for a new door leading to a brighter world. a world i know i deserve.

maybe its not the light that needs to find me maybe i'm the light that has to find myself maybe i just need to find the light maybe i need to find the light within me before i can find the light from others. i want to find my guardian angel so damn bad but i know that he'll come in the right time i know i need to be my own guardian until that time. i know that for it to the be time i have to believe in myself before my guardian angel can believe in me and come to me.

i want the light to find me. i want it to pour through me. i want everyone to see it. i want to feel it inside of me. i need this light to find me.

i'm a over active, hyper active, over organized, obsessive mess. i have meticulous order of things and i obsess that they be in that order and perfect. homework and such takes me hours when everyone else it takes minutes and i have no time for a real social life when all i wanna do is make sure that my school career is perfect, perfect grades, perfect comments, seamless transitions of life elementary to middle to high school onto college and then the real world. but its scary cause my schedule is chuck full of things to do a schedule i dont like to stray from. i even have the time of my shower and such written to make sure it happens and gets done properly. i'm afraid of not going anywhere in life. i want to succeed in everything i do and it scares me to not be good at something. i'm fully afraid of failure. i like to have a schedule that is so full i have no time to stop and think because thinking can lead me thoughts to stray from the true path of life and it scares me that something wont go as i plan it or that i really dont know where my life will truly go in the future. i'm afraid of growing old all alone and so i dont think about the true romance and love my life my spouse, husband, lover, w.e you wish to call him or her i dont know which cause i havent met em yet and that scares me but it also scares me to think maybe i have met them and i messed it up and now im destined to alone forever or maybe its someone i do know that it does become my "7th grade sweetheart" oh how tragic that would be cause he has to be one of the biggest asses ever. night time seems to be the worst part cause i can sit and think about anything i want for however long i want till the morning and comes and i have to go back to school back to that perfect schedule back to my life as i know it. i spend sleepless nights letting my mind wonder and wishing it wouldnt cause it scares me to know that there are so many things i can not control out there, that are totally out of my grasp to understand. i will never know the future until it happens and in seconds that becomes the present and it scares the living shit outta me to think about that. i want solid concrete facts that wont change unless i change them myself. and all this makes me realize how im being completely unrealistic. cause everything will work out the way its supposed to in the end. we're destined for something and thats that. and i know that im going to go where i want to go if i set my mind to it but im so afraid of slipping and fucking all my hard work up. but i know in my heart i wont yet i cant get over it. my weekends are mine to behold and i spend them with people i love and i have a good time i know how to balance and i know how to maintain even if i think i dont i really do. i pretty much like writing in this journal to write what happens in my head down. im not looking for anyone to actually read it or talk about it or comment it. its just a place i know i can write w.e i want and no one will care and if it doenst make sense they wont care cause its what i think and i lvoe that and i know no one will actually find this and read it and know its me. i can write all this down and then its outta my head i know if i wanna think about it i can always read it again but i dont have to have it all crammed in my head 24-7 it reminds me of that well thing in HP and the goblet of fire that Dumbledoor (or however its spelled)uses. i love that feeling. it makes me feel so much freer and helps me to realize so many more things. just from writing ive become happier and let go of so much and have been able to realize what i need to change my life to make me happy. "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi and thats totally what im working on right now making everything in harmony so that my life is how i think and want it to be so that i am happy. i always feel like i write so much but i dont care cause its good to. im not afraid of much else (spiders, heights, falling from those heights, growing old alone and failure) that doesnt seem all too bad. but i guess it depends on how you look at it. w.e though cause now im starting to truly know how to make things work and im happy to just wait for everything in time. cause i know that whats supposed to be will be and that whats not wont. "Remember not always getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck."~Dalai Lama and well its extremely true. im never letting stupid little things get me down and i will be above it all and stand strong. new years resolution even though i vowed i wouldnt have one is to conquer being afraid of failure and to let my life take its course. i will continue to work hard at it all and be the best i can be but i will no longer obsess over getting an A rather than a A+ its completely ridiculous and i see that now.

well im just looking for some companionship someone to hold me and cuddle with that will tell me everythings fine and that im beautiful. but i look for it in all the wrong places. im okay with that though cause you start to settle and thats that. we accept the love we think we deserve. and i guess i dont think i deserve any. cause im easy for a one night stand and its hard times. everyones perceived me as this girl that anyone can get with that just wants sex sex and more sex. but its not true at all. i want someone to want me. i want a special person to be there for me. i just cant find that ever so i accept the illusion of love. i accept the lust in disguise as the love i crave. i let my brain believe and i let my heart take hold when i know its just another night that doesnt mean a damn thing to either of us. i get attached to nothing and the feeling that nothingness gives me. my mind takes hold and creates something so much more. i expect so much more from the person even though i truly know i shouldnt. i go into every relationship with doubts and the understanding that theyre gunna leave me but i go in anyway. i choose to fool myself and be blind. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. keep fooling me and im the ass the biggest fool. some how ive come to accept this as the truth. i ask for very little. a hand to hold, arms to be wrapped around me, and kisses on my forehead. calls at night to say good night i love you and calls in the morning to say good morning i love you. its strange that i know when we say i love you it really means nothing. i love you is an empty meaning to people our age. this day and age everything is love; i love my car, i love this food, i love that house etc and it means nothing. saying i love you to a person has absolutely no meaning. its not weighted down with all the emotions and commitment it should be. i love you should come with a ring and a marriage proposal and thats all. it should be a forever type thing no going back once i love you is said its meant. so many of us will never get a real true i love you with ring and wedding and kids after. we'll get false hopes and broken hearts that never meant a damn thing. cause its so impersonal these days. if you go to one place this person will say i love you and break up with you just the same as if you never went in the other direction and never met them but met someone else who said and did the exact same things. so dont take it as its over cause its gunna happen to everyone just the same. and remember youll say and do the exact same things so dont make it too personal cause it never really is. yet knowing all this its all i want. i want the illusion i want the fakeness i dont seem to care about the consequences and the fact that its not true or that it wont last. i know that its not gunna be the person i marry or love and grow old with for the rest of my life. but it sure is a great feeling for the time being. i just wanna know that im desirable for more than just a hook up. its not really a lot to want or ask but it seems damned near impossible to get. i'll keep trying though and i'll lose faith and regain faith and give up and get back up. its all a game it is just one i dont seem to be especially good at playing.

so its basically the new year and nothing feels different. theres gunna be explosions in the sky but nothing down here on earth. its still gunna be the same old same old here. the new year brings no change except people deciding to change their ways. we all make "new year's resolutions, goals, w.e" but nothing of it ever happens. we never actually stick to our decisions and inevitably revert to our old ways. we say shit and but dont back it up with action. words arent worth a damn thing without action. you say you want peace but youre not out there trying for it no youre preaching to the choir and thats it. cause its not gunna happen on its own it takes effort and time and it makes you have to get up off your lazy ass and do work but no one wants to. we quote people and we yell at people but it gets us no where. once there was a time before when people were actual do-ers and they got out there and fought for what they believed in. they didnt take no for an answer and they tried every damn day of their life to get things to be the way they are today and you we take it all for granted. we dont respect these people, we laugh in their faces and they roll over in their graves when we disregard everything they stood for. people who had passions to do something that didnt care for money but for the purity of living and breathing and being blessed to be here. no today we sit and we complain about our 9 to 5 jobs but it makes us the money that makes our world go 'round. now anyone who doesnt make the money but does what they love isnt even considered as a respectable person but those are the real people i respect. people who dont care if they make a million dollars or a dollar a year. they want to make their art, music, poetry, books, and all. they want to do what they dream to do and they go out and do it and thats what i respect. people who fight for their way of life. they dont try to bring anyone down but bring everyone up to the same level, they want peace and harmony and freedom. some say you cant have peace and freedom but its true that we can. we can be free to speak our mind do as we want and such but with respect we shouldnt bring others down and then there is peace. peace is easy live and let live. i guess i contradict myself through out this but its all true it takes time to understand cause i might just not think like you but thats okay. sometimes it takes differences to bring us together. discussion and inquisitiveness pure curiosity with no intent to harm. respect for yourself and others and the world around you. to understand that everyone isnt carbon copies of each other and stand for different things. we're independent souls that need different nourishing. we get what we can from each other but it takes looking inside yourself to truly see the light. i could be showing my ignorance on the world but im okay with that cause i know that i have to be ignorant and i have to flaunt my ignorance for someone to slap my face and tell me so to teach me my mistake and i'll learn from it. cause keeping quiet does no one any good so i speak my mind and i learn from that and the wrong things i say i someday will turn into the right. but really its my opinion and i may not have the same as your opinion which is completely fine. but if i try to persuade you and yell at you and such without giving you a chance to make me understand where you come from then that is ignorance. so keep me from being ignorant.

how do you know when its best to move on and when its best to stay and fight ? cause i find myself doubting every decision i make. days can go by and i'll be completely confident and then a day comes and self doubt is evident. i wonder how everyone else deals with this. cause they all seem to be happy, wearing that smile like a mask that covers up any true emotion. maybe they doubt themselves the same as i doubt myself. i tend to doubt that too though. and its hard to know how anyone thinks or if they mean what they say. cause this world seems pretty closed off. the people are all closed off from each other. and no wears their emotions on their sleeves anymore. no ones a real romantic or a real tragic. everythings happy dappy and all smiles. they cover their themselves cause they dont wanne be figured out. no one shares their feelings or thoughts. and i know what its like cause its a lot easier to hide the truth then to explain the reasons that no one will ever understand no matter how you say it. they dont know and never will understand what you go through. and you never know what people are actually thinking. and if we did it would make it hard for us to function cause people have nasty sadistic thoughts that are meant to bring people down even if some are well intentioned and 'nice' they're not all like that. but people dont say what theyre thinking to protect people. they stop pain in hopes that they can keep people happy. and they sugar coat and baby bumper every sharp corner. but that isnt how the real world is believe me. ive seen the real world and it aint so pretty. cause theres poverty, and murder, and crime and pure unhappiness. but bad things are there so we can truly appreciate the good things in life. but thats actually alright with me cause i know that there has to be bad for there to be real good. im happy to sift through shit to find the diamond. and i appreciate every day im alive and what i have cause ive seen what others dont have and i know im better off than them. even if it isnt exactly what i want. and i digress through out this but thats what i thought about all day today....

you're just another notch in my belt. cause i dont find you special or especially beautiful. i just like the thrill of a new victory, the rush of a new conquer. i push people as far as they go. i wanna see how far you'd go for me. how many times i can hurt you before you finally walk away, what it takes to make that one hurt you cause me. i just wanna get you to be under my reign. cause i like to get around. have a hold on everyone person at least once, and there are those people who i dont want to last. but then there's those people i want to last, and they dont seem to stay very long. cause i swear i hurt them the most anticipating the inevitable, that one day they're gunna leave on their own, so why not make them leave quickly. people can say i'm a slut, but really its the rush and the thrill i'm into. i wanna see how far you're willing to go for me how much damage i can cause before you say no. does it matter how many people? cause the one that matters, will have been pushed away no matter what.

so ive got all these thoughts going around in my head and never anyway to write them, im not creative enough for songs or poems. so i write them down and some how they turn into things that take form and you could call them whatever you want. i write things and i want no one to know who i am. but thats not very hard to do barely anyone knows who i am. i dont even know who i am. so i guess we all search for ourselves and we can spend a life time or a day. some never find themselves and others find what they think is themselves. and they say everyones different but how many types of different can there be. i dont feel too different most of the time. im just another stereotypical tragic teenager. i want attention and i'd go about anyway to get it. so really maybe theres only so many differents to choose from thats what it feels like. maybe this could be considered a song or a poem or just a rant. im not sure i care too much. chances are no one takes the time to read or listen or try and put into music form so why bother writing.......