http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKR2ovkgSOA he can't pronounce his L's. i LOVE this guy (: iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. i can't get enough of this. x

I told him that if there were any more reasons for him being such a shit for the last few months, he may as well go ahead and tell me now. He hasn't replied. How is it that he told me so many things that hurt me on Friday, yet still the only place I could fall asleep was in his arms? Life is strange sometimes. Whoops, a reply. "I meant about how I feel now. Did I explain that with every girl I've been with, I've gotten bored after a while? Normally I sabotage myself at that point, but I didn't this time. I nearly did, but you didn't let me." Um. What?

"So, for tonight I'll stay here with you Yes, for tonight I'll lay here with you ." Xavi asked what I was thinking the other night, and I told him that I was wishing he wasn't an hour away from me. that was the song he was listening to. and it made him sad, how fitting the lyrics were, how they reminded him of being with me. last night he was lovely. we sat on a bench in Hudson's field for an hour, on our own, talking. he told me some things I didn't want to hear - for about a month, a few months ago, he "went off me". I didn't know what to say. he was adamant that he realised how wrong that was, and he made it pretty clear how strongly he feels about me now, so I tried to forget about it and just concentrate on the present. apparently I care too much for other people. I'm glad he thinks so. we lay nose-to-nose on the sofa, and the only place I managed to fall asleep was in his arms. our talking made me realise just how much I've waited around for him, and how badly he's treated me. now that we're seemingly perfect, I feel slightly on edge - what if this all wears off and we go back to how it used to be? I don't think I'll be able to stand it anymore if that happens. if he changes again, I'm finished. It's over. I don't want to have to say it but I do. that's not to say I'm expecting it to happen - god, I am hoping so unspeakably hard that we'll stay like this. my mind's in a muddle. I don't know if I enjoy being in love.

And we're good again. Actually, good isn't the word - we're great. Speaking to him about our problems helps more than I could say. When I spoke to him about what was up, the problem was over in minutes - literally. He's been randomly dropping "I love you"s into conversation, too, which is fairly enjoyable. (: I said I'd record a song for him, if he did the same for me. Because one funny thing about us two is that we seem to be a very musical couple. We sing together, we play guitar together, we tell each other the things we can't articulate through songs. I love it. Only thing, though - Which song do I play? I learnt Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows last night, which is mega fun to sing but it sounds crap when I play along. Song in my Head by Sherwood? I don't KNOW! I can't do it! Grrrr. To be updated.

sorry, I'm not usually one for quoting other peoples' journals (it honestly always seemed kind of creepy), but thrownxXaway you worded my relationship completely. that, literally, could've been me speaking. "I hate that I don't want anyone but you, and I hate that a lot of what I do revolves around you. I hate that I can't hurt you nearly as much as you've hurt me. I hate that I would literally do anything for you. I hate the things I've given up to make you happy, and I hate the fact you don't care. And I hate that I love you. But most of all, I love you."

I KNEW this couldn't last. It's just knockback after knockback with him. He invited some girl none of us know to Izzy's on Friday. Without even mentioning it to me. I know I sound like a possessive, bitchy girlfriend here but how is that fair? He didn't even think about how I'd take that? I can't word it without the whole situation sounding petty and insignificant, so I'll leave it. Oh God, things never go right. Fuck fuck fuck fuck and double shite on a stick. The good mood's evaporated. My body aches, it heaves, it shakes, All somersaults through so-called art - And I still don't know exactly who I am. I never will, Amen.

I don't like live music that has been amplified beyond recognition. Give me a quiet room and a guy with a guitar standing on a platform that's not quite a stage singing about a pair of shoes he had as a kid, and I'll be happy. Just a thought.

"I want to run with a reckless abandon, find out if love is the size of an ocean; and even if I crash down or burn out, at least I know how it feels to be ALIVE." i'm so in love it's silly. (: I don't care how idiotic and lovestruck and teenage-girlish I sound, because that's what I AM. And I'm enjoying being fully happy for once, thank you very much. He told me he missed me yesterday. I'm looking forward to Izzy's on Friday - hanging out with Emma after school, playing Twister after a few rounds of peach Schnapp's, sleeping next to Xavi again. That's happiness in a nutshell for me right now. ("No, THIS is me in a nutshell - help, I'm in a nutshell!" Hah, we watched Austin Powers in bed on Saturday =D)

as one we are everything we are everything we need. he meant it! last night was unbelievably lovely. we took the dog for a walk around my town, and we sat on the wall on top of St. James overlooking the Vale. when I was sneezing and sniffing he stroked my hair and kissed me on the top of my head. he slept in my bed while I was in Laura's room (I should've told him I sleep naked, HAH) and now my pillow smells like Head & Shoulders. he kissed the nape of my neck and bit my earlobes and we rubbed noses, just like the first night we met. we smiled at each other from a very close proximity. he kept sighing happy sighs. when i was on the phone to Fred, singing Happy Birthday, he purposefully distracted me by breathing on my neck. I felt safe last night, for the first time in a long time. now I know he wants us, I am free to aswell, as much as I want. which, by the way, is a LOT. can you tell? (:

cause I've started falling apart; I'm not savouring life I'd forgotten how good it could be to feel alive. so, I'd switched off the light at half ten last night, all ready for an early retreat, when my phone buzzed. xavi? but we'd already said goodnight. I just wanted to let you know that I know I've been acting like a cock a lot for the past few months, but I'm changing that now. Ly. xxx xxx xxx xxx well...I didn't really know what to say to that. I just told him not to get rid of the lovely bit of him. I'm keeping that me and losing the other me. (: Love you, night xx xx This time I think he meant it. I can't wait for Friday now. Needless to say I rolled over and fell asleep grinning after that. 'mon the Biff: i often forget how good it can be to feel alive. x