y do we need sex??????? i mean seriously. its torture for some people, and some people just use it as a way to get what they want. idk. also. idk w/e im having doubts again. big suprise. im not sure if i still want to be in a relationship with ben. idek.

“In your arms” When I’m in your arms I feel at home I feel at peace Like nothing can go wrong I never want to leave the crook of your arm It just feels so right Like it was meant to be Like fate brought us together And he knew we would fit. When I’m in your arms Everything is right It makes me feel loved And wanted And needed A feeling that I have never felt before And now that I have felt it I never want to lose it I just want to stay in your arms forever And I never want to let go

So today was valentines day =]. it was the first time i have ever had a bf on it, so tht was rly good today is a rly good day which i needed, everything had been going down hill. first i wasnt able to hug *B* b/c of some self confidence reasons and some other rly personal things. but i did. i hugged him. 2 times actually, and it felt rly good. i didnt know being in some ones arms could feel so good, and right. but, it did, and now that i hugged him, i dont want to be out of his arms (sketchy =D). but its true. idk if guys feel the same way, but i know girls do. my guy friend NBP said he didnt rly know, so i guess that anwers my question. but yeah. it just felt so right, like when a shoe fits perfectly, u know? now im regretting not hugging him sooner, and i mean a month is a rly rly long time to wait. lol. but i guess when the time is right, the time is right, and everything happens for a reason (dont laugh at me). so *B* got me a rly rly rly cutee teddy bear, and a gorgeous silver necklace. its so pretty, i almost cried, but then i didnt. haha. so i think thats it for now

so lets see these past few days have SUCKED MAJORLY except that i got to play Dr Phil aka Dr. flynnke13 for my friend. i must admit, besides the circumstances, it was very fun. altho im rly glad i could help out. she told me what had happened and i felt so bad. so being the peer mediator that i am, i stepped in and saved the day =] so yesterday. my mom comes home from food shopping, so i say "hi" and i go up to my room. 5 fucking minutes later, she throws open my door screaming "u make my life so miserable! my life is hell right now and i dont need anymore shit from u! so clean up ur fucking room or *T* isnt sleeping over on saturday!.!!!" and a whole bunch of other shit that i dont feel liek talking about. i mean, i dont even liek come out of my room, let alone make a mess, so i think it is extremly unfair that sheis taking all of her anger and resentment out on me. when i didnt even do anything (for once). so then shes yelling "if you dont show me respect, im taking away your computer and your fone and ur gonna sit in ur room all alone for all of feb. vacation!" WTF! i didnt even do anything! i said HI. is that a sin or sumthing????????? and its not liek she shows me any respect so y the hell shud i show her respect? i mean, do onto others as you want them to do onto u. so mom, if u treat me like shit, im gonna treat you liek shit. i know ur life is tuff right now, so im staying out of the way, but do not, yell at me for your own problems. i want nothing to do with them. i have enuff going on in my life right now with out you to add to it. so then this morning, i come downstairs and shes flipping out. "did u see those strawberries that were cut up yesterday? those were for u, u son of a bitch! i didnt cut them up for my own good, and i had to eat them. ur the only one that eats strawberries so u shud have eaten them". me-"ok, sorry. i didnt knwo they were for me. if u cut sumthing up for sum1, tell them its for them, instead of just leaving it on the counter." her " dont talk to me liek that u bitch! i was jsut thinking of you! you should have eaten them!" me"ok, im sorry i said." her"sorry's not good enough" and at this point i was putting the silverware away and had about 5 knives in my hand. it took all of my willpower not to either stab her or throw them at her. and let me tell u. i have good aim. i wud go move in with my dad except that hes never home, and the last time i threatened to, my mom called him and told him and he said i couldnt. so im fucking stuck in the hell hole. im the only one that gets blamed for shit. my sister gets to sit on her fat ass, and do nothing. shes as rude as hell. she reaches across u at the table and takes ur food, and as shes chewing, asks if she can have it. then she fucking burps and doesnt say anything. and if ur in the middle of talking she starts talking and complaining abotu how nobody listens to her. liek, idefk. and then i was so stressed out that i ate a ton. and now i feel gross and i feel liek i need to go lose 10 pounds and i was doing so good. i was losing weight, and stuff, and i prolly gained it all back today. so thts about it i live in a hell hole ********************************* some times she wishes she was never born

so yesterday was good. it was a half day, so we got out of school at 11am. tht was good. so after school, my mom picked me up and we went to the mall. i needed to get B and vday present. it was kinda embarrasing picking out cards tho, lol. they were all so lovey dovey and we're not at that part in our relationship. so i got him a box of chocolate and a gift card to FYE so he can buy some music or sumthing. Then, after the mall, i went to an old peoples home with some of the girl scouts and we had a tea. it was pretty fun. then i went home, packed my stuff for my dads house and for taylors house =]. and then i got ready to help out at the Friendship dance and one of the elemetry schools. it was pretty lame and boring but i got to hang out with some of my friends and B (it was 1 month yesterday!) so that was fun. Then i went back to T's house and slept over. we talked for a long time which was good. then we watched the new bring it on movie which was pretty bad. then we talked some more and jsut stopped and went to sleep. we were then woken up by her dog when she went out to the bathroom, lol. we talked, ate some breakfast, played some Guitare Hero and then watched some of her home videos which was fun. Then today, i get to babysit which is always good =] so, i think its time for more depressing news my mom is considering moving. i rly dont want to move. so much has happened lately that i want one thing to just stay the same. and i know that if we stayed in the big house, me and S wud have to step up and take on more responsibilities and im fine with that. i jsut rly rly rly dont want to move. and i know that may sound selfish but frankly, i dont care. I'm so tired of things happening that i have no control over and i dont want to sound selfish and bitchy when my mom asks me, but i rly dont want to move. i mean, 2 new houses in 2 years?! thts a fucking lot. and she said shes definatly moving when S and I go off to college and I'm fine with that but i dont want to move b4 then. so thts all for now email me flynnke@gmail.com ************************

So today started out good, altho last nite i cried myself to sleep. So today, there was an hour delay for school and then there was the german resturant which was amazing altho we had to speak german the entire time or we failed =/. SO then we hung out after school and got in MORE trouble. i mean CUM ON! give us a break! jesus. SO then on the bus on the way home i sat with B =]. THings are going good and theyre better so thts good. But im still confused about some stuff. SO i got off the bus and when i got home, my mom was yelling SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCKING SHIT!. so i figured it was about my grandma, and it was. It turns out the cancer is worse than they thought. when she got the tests done today, they found way more cancer cells than they thougth so instead of just getting the lump of cancer removed, they have to remove the entire breast, which is what my mom had. I saw what my mom went thru and tht was rly scary and my mom had said that if my grandma had to go thru wat she went thru, she wud die. so im rly worried. when my grandma has the surgery my mom is going to go down to NJ to stay and help my grandma. my mom is jsut taking it rly hard. shes always on the fone with family talking about it adn shes wicked up set. she doesnt eat and all she does is cry and talk on the fone. and she takes all of her frustration out on me and shannon which make things even worse than they already are. so yeah thts it for now there will prolly be another entry from today later on so look out!

yeah. i know. I have already written in this today, but i didnt know what to write about b4 but now i do. Life is fucking aweful. My mom is always bitching, my dad is never home, and im so confused about soooo many things. When I try to talk to some of my friends about it, some of them get annoyed and say that my life isnt that bad and all this other shit. So then I dont tell them and they think im liek suicidle. I mean, seriously! Just because some one doesnt want to talk about their problems, doesnt mean they're suicidle, does it? I dont think it does, but then everyone gets mad at me for not telling them whats going on! I mean seriously. i tell u and u get mad. i dont tell u and u get mad! what the hell am i supposed to do?! some times i just wish i wasnt here. and theres a rly big secret that liek nobody knows, and i'm not sure i want them to know. theres actually 2 (i think) but i'm not sure im ready to tell ANYONE the second one, because its rly recent and personal. im also rly fed up with some people. they jsut dont get whats going on and they just brush it off liek its no big deal, when they actually have no idea how big it is. and i wish i could talk to all of my friends about these things but i can't. and that rly bothers me. i used to be so close to all of them and its liek theyve pushed me away and i dont know y. and i rly wish i could tell this special sum1 sumthing and show them what i've written but i dont think i can. and i know i shud be able to, but i dont want them to get mad and liek freak out and get all worried cuz some of the stuff is rly deep and personal and i dont know how they would handle it. i wish i could tell them everything thats going on, but i dont want to sound whinney and bitchy and all that stuff. and i knwo i should be able to tell them, and believe me, i rly rly rly want to, but im rly afraid of how they would take it. and thats what scares me the most. im so happy right now (well in a sense) that i dont want anything to ruin it. And I wish i could talk to my mom and dad about all of this, but i can't. we dont have that kind of relationship and i rly wish we did, but we dont. and that bothers me a lot. and its too late to start now, which makes me sad. and i wish i had a rly strong relationship with all of my friends, but unfortunatly i dont. i mean, im close with some of them, but i wish things could be the way they used to be. it seems like after 7th grade (when my mom got cancer) every1 kind of seperated from me when i needed them the most. and one of my closet friends pushed me away when i needed her the most. and that rly hurt. but then i became RLY good friends with *L* which makes me rly happy, but shes always so happy and up beat that i dont want to bring her down when i talk about whats going on. so i dont rly tell her which also upsets me. Altho, now that we have entered high school, we all seem to be gettign closer which is rly good because i need some good friends right now, and i was afraid i wasnt going to have them. thts a lot for now, and i jsut dumped a lot. its getting late so im gonna go

sooooooooooo yeaaaaaaaah this is the first entry =] so lets see. what to write about....(scratches imaginary beard!) well, today was a pretty good day. which is good because i havent had too many of those lately which isnt too good. =[. well, i have a boyfriend =]. hes awesome. on friday it will be one month which makes me rly happy =]. (i dont know who's reading this so if i know you, u prolly already know this, lol). I rly dont like my mother. shes always getting mad at me over the stupidest things. we have gotten into 4 fights today. and thats not a lot for us. shes always getting mad at me and i never do anything. sometimes i jsut dont get her. and my sister is always getting me in trouble too. in front of adults shes an angel and then when we're alone, she tortures me and gets me in trouble for things i dont even do. plus, she never leaves me alone. she always comes into my room and jsut sits on the floor and watches me on the computer or shes always bugging me to watch some tv show. Today, we always hang out after school and i wasnt feeling well so i was curled up in a little ball in the corner and every1 is beign wicked loud and 2 teachers come out and yell at us, and i wasnt even doing anything. it was rly unfair because the people that were being loud had left liek 30 seconds earlier. i rly hate people sometimes. so yeah. thts it for now