and i decided to post the other thing. now mind u, its very depressing, and im not like that anymore, and if ur reading this and we're friends, u probably didnt know this so dont freak out cuz im not like that anymore and i rly dont want u guys to worry. so enjoy (or not) I have been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about the last 2 years, and everything that has gone on. Thinking about that dark period I had when I wanted nothing more than to be in bed, in the dark, in a little ball. As soon as I unwound myself from that ball, and walked into the light, everything was harder, more difficult to deal with because while I was in the ball, it all seemed like a dream, but once in the light, it became reality. It was a big reality shocker and sometimes I wish it really were a dream. I know I must have said some things and done some things then that I regret but I rly have no memory of that time. The only memory was wanting it to end. Wanting all of it to end, and the only way for that was ending my life. I thought about that, never came up with a plan, and never actually attempted it, but I thought about it. Thought about what it would be like not to be here anymore, and to maybe be someplace happier, someplace safer and not as corrupt. I thought about all the people that I would miss, and I wondered if they would miss me too. Sometimes I thought they wouldn’t even notice, then other times I thought you would go through the same thing I was going through, and I didn’t want to do that to you. Those thoughts mite have been the only thing that saved me, or it could have been health class. Who knows? But now I know that I'm glad I didn’t let it end there, because there would have been so much I would have missed out on. So many opportunities that I would never have been given. Now I know that you would have missed me. I know it would have been tough. But now looking back on it all, it doesn’t seem so bad, but at the time, it seemed like the worse thing. Sorry for the depressing entry. Just something I thought I should get off my chest

I'm sorry that this all happened to u. I rly am. Im sorry that we split apart and that I cant help u thru this. I rly wish i cud. I know its probably all my fault and i regret ever letting it happen, We have lost touch in a crucial time for both of us, and maybe it wud have been different for both of us, had we stayed together. I know you probably wont read this, but i want you to know that i am sorry. [[not saying who this is about]] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- was going to post sumthing else but decided its not the right time

i get home and she (my mother) leaves a note for me saying to go thru the box in front of my door, and i dont even know where she found this but it had stuff in it that i needed. she gets home, she throws my door open screaming at me for being on the computer when im doing my fucking history project so i go thru the box and i throw out what i dont need and i ask her where to put the box and she says to leave it so i put it down where i am which is in the middle of the kitchen and shes like "y r u throwing this stuff out" i was like IM NOT! and i look, and my stuff is in the trash, out of the folders and not organized anymore. i had stuff for science, for my computer, bike, cell phone, european money and she was oging to thow it away. its not her stuff to touch or go thru idk. today was just an overly sucky day

but i go no where. I stay here glued to the cement, where i wish i wasn't. I am running Running for my life But I go nowhere I stay stuck in this cement Like it dried around my feet And I can’t run away from all the problems From all the misery From all the pain I try to run away But my feet remain stuck Maybe I’m not running for my life But I’m running from it Today sucked. 1) Couldn't figure out what to wear (yes, that sucks) 2) Andrew scratched my fingers up 3)German teacher spazzed out 4) softball tryouts sucked, majorly. how the fuck are u supposed to bunt and hit the balls that are being thrown at ur toes?????????? I mean, I know i'm not a great batter. batting isnt my strong point, but i can still hit the ball and when theyre thrown at ur toes, its impossible to hit them. so that fucked me off. 5) Hardly got to see ben at all. maybe 10 min. at the most today. yeah. about to jump off a building. dont stop me *************************************************************************** Maybe Im not running for my life But Im running from it

so yeah. its been a while. sry. i've just been a little pre-occupied. but yeah. so many ups and downs its un-bearable. idk. i think i mite actually have bi-polar or sumthing. im not sure. this is going to be long... I was in such a good mood this morning. I went to the mall with linds and it was soooooooo much fucking fun. we acted like a couple and then broke up. needless to say, we got some awkward/hilarious stares. Then i got back to my moms house and (mind you, i havent been here all weekend) she blames me for her lousey weekend. i had a birthday party and i thought i did tell her, but apparently i didnt because she heard about it at a funeral and went home, cancelled her plans, and cried. all fucking night long. i rly thot i told her, and then she gets mad at me for keeping things from her. i dont get it. so, yesterday i had a party. 10 people came including Ben. I still havent told my dad about him and its been more than 2 months. Tay kept yelling at me to tell him, but idk. i dont want to. Its not that he wont like him. i know he will, but its like, all this time, i have been in control of nothing, and idk. maybe its like this: i want to be in control of sumthing. i want to know sumthing about myself that they dont know. i want to start living my own life, and i want to stop living the life they want me to live. so anyways. ben didnt know that i hadnt told him. but everyone else did. so they (mainly rachel and TJ) started screaming stuff about me and ben going out and i know my dad heard and i could tell that ben felt kinda weird about it. i felt soooooo bad. if it wasnt my party, i probably would have left. I was sooooooooo close to tears when they did that, and the worst part is this: they didnt even realize it. i felt so bad and i know ben noticed, because i talked to him about it afterward. He said he was trying to give me space. i guess i cant blame him. i didnt real pay attention to him. him and Tj were the last ones to leave,. Thank god tj left after ben. When ben was leaving, i could tell he wanted to give me a hug but i kinda just shoved him out the door. he said he felt kinda bad but since i live with my dad, i have to be the one to tell him when im ready. i really do love him. hes just about the best boyfriend in the world. sometimes idk what i would do with out him. hes just so understanding. i felt so bad tho cuz he said he felt kinda bad. its not that im ashamed of him. cuz im not. its just that my dad can be kinda scary sometimes and i dont want him to freak out. idk. i just dont know anymore. there are just so many ups and downs that sumtimes i feel like giving up and not going on. but then something amazing happens that makes me glad i didnt give up and i kept going strong. but then something terrible happens and im back down in the hole i thot i covered up and i wish it wud just disappear. its just a vicious circle that i want to end. i want to be either stuck at a high or stuck at a low. i dont want to go back and forth cuz that makes beign a teenager even harder than it alreayd is. and i cant handle it. i cant handle the constant ups and downs, the constant highs and lows. its not fair. and i want it to stop. right now. im soooo sick of everything and everyone. sometimes its like im the only one in the world and i have to deal with this shit on my own, then other times i feel like there are too many people who want to help. i (almost) never want to talk about my problems because i hate being vulnerable and exposed for everyone to see. but i dont want to go back to the way i used to be. all depressed and upset inside and rly happy on the outside. i dont want to go back to that because that is the worst feeling in the world but i never wnat to talk about my problems. no matter what i want, i cant have it. i cant have emotional stability, or assurence. nothing is ever right and it never will be. so yeah. thats been bottled up for a while. i shud be writing again soo

So, I was walking home on a warm sunny day in December. Yes. It was warm and sunny, in December. You may think “that’s crazy” but my answer would be “I think not” And why would that be my answer? Because I am crazy. So, back to the story. I was walking home, and had the sudden urge to do something with chewing gum. Not bubble gum, Chewing gum. I did not want to blow a bubble, or chew it. I wanted to stick up my nose. But I realized that I have tiny little hairs in my nose called cilia that would stick to the gum. So, if and when I tried to pull the gum out, it would get stuck and it would hurt like a bitch to pull it out or it would be one very awkward hair cut. So, what else could one do with a piece of chewing gum? Well, you could snort it, snuff it, and stick under the desk. But would that be very exciting, or healthy? I think not. I think you should stick in some ones hair. And I will explain to you the reasons for this. For one, you will not be the one in need of a haircut, peanut butter, and ice cubes. Two, once you stick it, it’s no longer your problem, but now the problem of the one it was stuck to. Three, if the person did not want to have gum stuck to their hair, they should not have bothered you. Note: If you are going to stick gum in some ones hair, make sure you have a logical reason to do it. If you said ‘I was bored’, there will be consequences to pay. Four, they cheated on you. Remember, there has to be a reason to compel you to do such an insane action upon someone. Fifth, you just don’t like them. There is nothing wrong with not liking someone. It’s perfectly normal and natural and it does not mean that you are insane. Sixth, you have an annoying sibling and you want to upset them and make them go insane trying to get the chewing gum out of their hair. If that is the case, and they really never did anything harmful to you, then that is perfectly acceptable. So, I hope that before you stick the chewing gum in your mouth next time, you will think of what other uses it could possibly have.

“My Shade” No matter how many times I walk away You always come back to suck the life out of me Like the vampire on a person And the sun on an icicle I need to find my garlic, my shade To protect me from you From your poisonous venom, your harmful rays Every time I look you in the eyes I fall into your trap again I scratch at the surface Trying to escape I need to find my garlic My shade I need to get away from you or you will be the death of me “WE WILL NEVER BE AGAIN” THERES TOO MANY QUESTIONS BUZZING AROUND MY HEAD I CANT CONCENTRATE I KEEP THINKING OF U AND ALL THAT WE COULD HAVE BEEN BUT I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS AND THE ANSWER IS WE WILL NEVER BE WHAT WE ONCE WERE NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY WE WILL NEVE RHAVE WHAT WE ONCE HAD WE WILL NEVER BE THE YOU AND ME THAT WE ONCE WERE WE WILL NEVER BE AGAIN “The mask of happiness” She hides behind the mask of happiness Always acting like the one she wishes she was Never acting like the one she actually is If only they knew the turmoil she lives with The pain and sorrow that run through her blood Things could get better And she would no longer have to hide She told them of the turmoil She thought that would make it better It just created storms Storms of hatred cries She’s stuck in this storm crying for help Oh, If only she could back to hiding Back to behind that mask of happiness Where no one knew of the turmoil She could go on living with a false sense of happiness She could go on living with everyone thinking she was all right She could go on living with everyone believing the lies That was then, before all of the storms started Now she has to live with the truth The truth that she is dying The pain and sorrow have poisoned her blood And they are now poisoning her brain They make her believe everyone hates her Everything is going to only get worse When in reality everyone loves her And it’s all getting better But by the time she realizes this Her time will be up “Shattered dreams” She had so much she wanted to do Dreams to accomplish But now her dreams lay broken on the ground Smashed by her one true love And as she crawls around trying to pick up the pieces And put them back together they way they were You sit there yelling at her Saying that it doesn’t matter. Saying you wont every accomplish anything And when the pieces are picked up And put back together She laughs at the shock she caused you Because she knew she would pick them up And as she picked up the last piece She walked out the door

today was sooooooooooo boring. basically sat in bed on the computer all day, I wrote a short story about bubble gum and some poems (will post later!) Friday:Hung out with Lindsey all day, we had an interesting time. It snowed like a bitch Sat: I was rly anxious for saturday to come. I saw ben for the first time all vacation. We went to go see vantage point with tay, tj, and nathan. After the movie we walked around the shopping area and tj ran off. When we called him, he said he was leaving Trader Joe's and heading into the liquor shop, mind u, hes 15. So Ben (my boyfriend) went after him while tay nate and I went into dunkin donuts. When ben and tj returned, tj had a bagette. (sp) (a large loaf of bread) he ate the whole thing. haha. Afterwards, we went back to my house and hannah (nates gf) came. it was fun. we hung out and talked a lot. Ben and I were getting rly close, and nathan actually made ben put his arm around me. haha. i kinda liked it tho. it felt right. but then ben snatched it away which kinda upset me. Tay asked him if he was going to put his arm around me in the movie but he said he thot about it, but deicided it wasnt that kind of movie.....i wish he did tho. Today: horrible. soooooooooooooooooo long a boring. there was nothing to do. the poems will be above

So yeah. My last entry was kinda angry. Thats because I did know everything and I was just really confused. So one of my best friends *R* talked to Ben last nite, and he said that he just thinks of Love as a sacred word, and hes never really been around it so he doesn't want to like use it or sumthing. idk. But he told *R* that he's sure he likes me as much as I like him. yay?. i guess its yay. But when TJ was talking to him, and Ben asked TJ how i was doing, i just wanted TJ to say confused because i didnt want him to worry, cuz i knew he wud. But *R* didnt know that, so she told him. and he said that he wasnt going to explode or anything and that he still wanted to be together. yay? So i didnt talk to him that much last nite, except for when he was explaining what he was thinking. His status on gtalk was like "I'll be here" which bothered me a little. IT was like tempting me to talk to him, which i wasnt rly in the mood to do. I didn't ignore him again, tho, which is good. but neither of us started a convo. He said he wanted to give me space. yay? And I still want to stay together, so i guess theres no break up in the near future =]. so thats it. just a new song i LOVE: 7 days of Lonely- I Nine "Tell me how I'm gonna make it your the one I can't forget It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely. My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again"

so yeah. today was good (in the beggining) but lets start with last night. So, in bens profile, it says