how come everytime i walk into my moms house, i get a head ache? and everytime i leave, i feel better. i cant stand being near her. i get all itchy and antsy and i feel like i cant get away soon enough when she tries to hug me. what is this? is this normal? well, my answer to the second question is that i dont _think_ its normal. maybe im wrong. who knows. but all i know, is that i cant wait enough to be at my dads house away from her. the problem is that, if she knew this, it would break her heart. what would she do if i told her how much i wanted to move out? i dont even have to go to my dads house. I just cant be here anymore. every other word out of her mouth says "im so disappointed in you" or "you cant u be like ur sister. she doesnt do anything wrong". who puts that kind of pressure onto their child. i never did anything to her. she doesnt know how much she hurts me and bothers me. and if she did, nothing would change. i've tried to tell her, she gets defensive, starts crying, i stop for fear of hitting her over the head with a lamp or other heavy, solid object... what would she do if she knew??? Cause I'm overcommitting myself I guess this is growing up I'm sleeping so little these days I guess this is growing up I'm feeling things are about to change I'm guessing this is growing up Yeah, I'm growing up And my mom hates my guts She has every reason to From all the things I do And it breaks me just to know That I have torn her apart so many times So many times

A-World History: Mr McHugh B- Marketing: Mr Rogers B- (second half) Foundation in Art: Mr Hardy C- Chem.: Ms Manning D- Multimedia: Mr Eang D- (second half) PE E- German: Frau Gillett F- English: Mrs McCarthy G-Geo: Mr Vadala thats my schedule for sophmore year =D

seriously, y? i hate getting pitty, i do. but im sorry. i absolutly hate my fucking life. god. i fucking hate this. my sister doesnt do one fucking thing around either houses . i have folded 2 loads of laundry, and washed 2 loads of laundry today and all shes done is sit on her ass and watch tv. and my dad uses the excuse "you're older and more coordinated than she is" fuck that it shudnt fucking matter she needs to do her fucking share around here just b/c my parents are divorced, doesnt mean i shud have to take on the roll of the missing parent in both houses while she sits around and does nothing. i try to tell my parents this, but they say that im older and i deserve more responsibily. i get that. but i shudnt be getting all of the responsibility that my parents cant handle. my sister is getting older. they say that i have to do more b/c im older and that she does the same amount of work right now that i did when i was her age, which is total bull shit, b/c when i was that age i was still the oldest so i did way more than she does. i cant take living at either houses. i rly cant. i need to get out. soon.

is almost here. just 10 more days of school left. and the last week consists of finals, Six flags, and well the last day. Maybe, hopefully, things will get better this summer. I can only hope that I am not around enough to listen to all the shit my mother feels the need to tell me 400000000 times a day. so lets see. what are my plans Last week: Monday-Thursday: finals Thursday: Six Flags Friday: Last day of school =D Week after ^^^: New York City with the girlies Tays 4th of july party Bible camp (only volunteering) Lindseys 16th bday party Warped tour =D New Hampshire with Tay Vermont with Linds Hopefully ^^^ will keep me away from her. but who knows. [[The time has come There’s nothing left to lose I’ve used up all my options I’ve used up all my chances All that’s left are wishes And we all know that wishes never come true We’ve all wished for happy endings For things they way they used to be We’ve all wished that we never happened But the truth is that we can’t change the past We wish we could We wish it would get better But we all know it won’t So what’s the point in wishing? If wishes never come true]] ^^ just part of a poem i wrote. Im just so confused right now. One minute shes all conerned b/c i've been going to bed like abnormally early, and then the next minute shes telling me what a bitch i am and how every thing is always my fault. I just dont get it. I really need to know what im supposed to do. I think part of the reason I've been getting rly bad head aches and felt like shit is b/c of her. I rly do. Right now im at my dads house and i dont have a head ache. but while i was at my moms all week, i had one. It just doesnt make sense. She says im the reason for her suffering, but is she the reason for mine? “Who have I become?” I know in my heart That the days won’t be like they used to be That I will never see the same person in myself again I wish I could go back But I know I can’t And I have to live with the pain I have to look at what I’ve become everyday And I hate what I see It’s someone I never wanted to be And yet that’s who I’ve become pCe out cub scout

theres always a greater downside. thats how my life is thats how its always been thats how it will always be. So. shall we start with the upside??? Ben finally held my hand =]. we talk more now. thats all. thats the only upside Downside to the fucking days i live: My dads in Pittsburg until friday. Im stuck here. Until then. i cant take it. I do what she asks for, yet some how i do it wrong. I dont do what she wants, and thats wrong too (which i get). No matter what it is. it cud just be saying "Hi mom. how was ur day?" and that would be all wrong and i wud get slaughtered for it. I cant live with her ne more. i rly truly cant. yet theres no place for me to go. Im not allowed to move in with my dad 1) he works all day and night and 2) that wud break her heart (even if its made out of stone) but then again, why the hell do i care? I also want to go see a phsyciatrist. I cant handle all of this by myself anymore. Usually my friends helped me, but now its too deep, and theres too much i cant/dont want to tell them. But no way in hell am i gonna ask her if i can go to one. Thats just not gonna happen b/c of so many different reasons. I just dont knwo what to do anymore Theres so much i wish i cud tell her. Theres so much i wish i cud make her see. Yet there is no way in hell that she wud EVER in a million years listen to me. and honestly. i dont want her to. No matter what i do, its never enough for either of them. im always being compared to my younger sister, who gets straight A's and obviously doesnt "get on their nerves". which is bs. b/c i do the same thing she does. and i get my ass kicked from here to pluto. Its just not fair. They always say "theres no favorites here" and its obvious there is. When its just me and shannon on our own, we're fine. but as soon as our parents are involved, we hate each other. wat is this? I really need sum1 to talk to who actually knows how to help me. i cant do it on my own ne more. i just cant. ----------------------------------------------------------- And it feels like tonight. I can't believe I'm broken inside. Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do, But try to make it up to you? And it feels like tonight, Tonight. I was waiting For the day you'd come around. I was chasing, And nothing was all I found. From the moment you came into my life, You showed me what's right.

i hate waking up everymorning to her cheery face. I hate being in the same room with her. I hate having the same fucking DNA as her. i hate it i hate it i fucking hate IT i cant take any more of the lies. i cant listen to her say one more time that im a burden, that im nothing but trouble for her. i am done listening to her push me down, pull me back up and just push me down again harder. next time, let her hope i will be so kind as to go along with it like shes right just let her keep thinking that shes right one day it'll hit her that shes a fucking bitch who deserves to burn in hell [one day soon] ............................ Take me away to better days. Take me away: A higher place. There's a place that I go, But nobody knows. Where the rivers flow, And I call it home. And there's no more lies. In the darkness, there's light. And nobody cries. There's only butterflies. Take me away: A secret place. A sweet escape: Take me away.

i tried it again, i must be doing it wrong b/c its not working i just want her to realize all this pain shes causing me. i want her to understand that shes not the only one who has had to deal with 2 cancers, a divorce, and a broken foot. i lived thru it with her. she doesnt realize that it affected me too. i wish she did. maybe, just maybe, she wud realize that i've been thru hell and back and she just makes me want to stay there

i have lost complete control over everything my life emotions thoughts anything and everything i hate waking up every morning, knowing that i have to live thru the same shit again. and again, and again. my life is a broken record player. it just keeps playing the same shitty day. over and over and over again. im sick and tired of it. some days i just wish that i didnt wake up. i wish that i had enuff will power over myself to actually do sumthing worth while. i tried cutting the other day, needless to say, i couldnt bring myself to do any damage. is that a sign? idk. i just wish i cud do _sumthing_ to myself that will actually make her realize what shes doing to me. i jsut wish there was some way i could get her to realize all this fucking shit shes causing me. i just pray some nights that i dont wake up in the morning. yet, there i am, at the sound of the radio, bracing myself for another day

here i come great. the thoughts are back. i thought i had gotten rid of them. i thought i was getting better. but apparently fucking not. nothing i ever do fucking works. i try to fix what "i've" done. i dont want to be anywhere. i just want to disappear, along with all this fucking shit that has happened and then maybe just maybe things wud be better

INSTRUCTIONS 1. Put your music player on shuffle. 2. Press forward for each question. 3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Finale- wicked except not WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE? I'm somebody-dreamgirls hell no WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Dont speak liar- we the kinds i guess... WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU? survivor- destiny's child i guess WHAT DO YOUR EX'S THINK OF YOU? Love for all seasons- christina aguilera bahahhahaha...sure HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE? Rescued- Jacks Mannequin def. HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE? Against all odds (take a look at me now)- Phil collins yeah...right WILL YOU GET MARRIED? Mosh-eminem ... WILL YOU HAVE KIDS? savin me-nickelback is that a yes or no? ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL? I can hear the bells- hairspray yes? WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE? When i first saw you-dreamgirls i guess... WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? Wasted-carrie underwood BAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE: Get set- the dear abbeys i guess YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE: Dreamgirls- dreamgirrls u bet we are WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME? Yellow Brick Road-eminem So im going to the land of Oz??? WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD? One, two step- missy elliot baahhahahah sure WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING? lift'em on up-pat benatar lift wat up WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER? Breakout-foo fighters im sure YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING? A place in this world-taylor swift ... HOW WILL I DIE? Should've said no-taylor swift well then... THE SONG THAT YOU'LL HAVE AS THE TITLE? Paul-eminem alrighty then