just a song i wrote (Verse 1) She took hold of that big strong hand The one that’d keep her safe She thought about the world she thought she knew Then realized it was fake (Chorus) So hold on baby, hold on tight Don’t ever let go Hold on baby, don’t lose sight Don’t let those tears wash away The remaining years (Verse 2) The years kept moving by, at the speed of light Before she knew it she was driving fast Trying to forget the fright She thought back to the years she loved Chorus (Verse 3) What ever happened She doesn’t know But she remembers what he last said Chorus (Verse 4) So hold on baby, hold on tight Don’t ever let go So hold on baby, come on back To this place called home

on everything. im finished trying to figure it all out im finished trying to figure him out i cant take it anymore. im so confused and frustrated and im done. im just done. if he wants to keep going on in life keeping things to himself then fine. im done trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with him when he wont even talk to me. thats it im. done.

well its been a while. lets start with the ups: 1) the freshman sb team is 5-1-1 which is suprisingly good since the 2 middle schools sucked last year 2) ?????????? i dont think that there is a 2. pretty sad isnt it??? so. now for the downs: 1) im having doubts again, about *B*. i know hes quiet and rly shy, but hes been A LOT more quiet and just idk. i feel like hes lost interest in me. i mean, its not my fault i dont get home til 5pm or later every night and that hes never on when i am, and that he never stays after school OR comes to school ontime in teh morning. so theres nothing i can do, right? and yet i feel like it was (or still is) my fault. what ever [it] is. and im at a loss. im stuck. therre is nothing that i know of that can make him come back. and a month ago he said it was stress. ok. so? everyone has stress. and i know it effects some differently than others but there has to be sumthing else. something more troubling thats making him pull away from me. but what is it? i. dont. know. and thats what scares me. we're in a relationship yet i feel like i dont know him at all. i feel like its back to november when we first started being friends and he was awkard and like didnt talk. then he started talking more and becoming more comfortable with me and now its back to square one. square fucking one. and im fucking sick and tired of it. it= being left in the dark. being worried about him with out him even knowing. it being every little fucking thing i feel so alone on this. the other day on teh way to sb practice, taylor was talkign abotu how perfect tj is and how hes everything she cud of asked for. how he always knows when sumthing is wrong, when she wants to be held and just that they dont need to tlak to fill a silence. i wish i had that. i knwo thats selfish but i dont fuckign care. i feel like im still single, and i liked feeling like there was sum1 out there who liked me for me and i cud be myself and not feel the need to be sum1 i wasnt. but i dont feel like that anymore cuz im afraid that if i say sumthing wrong with him, i cud, just possibly, send him over the edge. and whats waiting over [it], i dont know. and now i dont even know if he still likes me. eric used to assure me that he was head over heels for me, and now, im not so sure. and im not so sure i like the new him either. i just want some reassurence, from some one or sumthing. idc. i just need sumthing to keep [this] alive. **************************************** And maybe, we were made We were made for each other Ahh, is it possible for the World to look this way forever? Ahhh, Ahhh...

i never thot i wud be back to feeling like this again. like nothing i ever did was right, and there was no way i cud make you see me for me. i started feeling like i was doing stuff right and you were beginning to see me, but i was wrong. i was so wrong and now i dont even know how i can get back. for once, i was making progress, i was letting little things that wud normally have bugged me slide, but you have gone waaaay to far this time. you dont even let me say one word to you b4 u start screaming at me. Did you ever think that maybe ur not the only one who had a bad day? that ur not hte only one with problems? i dont htink u have b/c u always take ur anger and pain out on others. mainly me. when we have our own bad days, and own troubles to tend to. its not always about you, so fucking get over it.

i dont fucking know. and if i did, i wud have left. a long time ago. I used to call u mommy I used to come to you with all the scrapes and bruises Both the physical and emotional But those days are long gone They left us a long time ago And oh, what I would give to go back to those days Everything was so much simpler I never questioned your love for me But now I do I’m not sure about you at all anymore I can’t even call you mom I can’t even look at you without being completely disgusted by the thought that we’re related And I know you don’t know any of this And I know that if you did Nothing would change The scars you left on my heart Will stay there forever And I will never be able to look at you with those loving eyes of a daughter to her mom again And I will never be proud to say ‘this is my mom’ You will never be my mom to me again

So I'll start to pretend im ok But you should know by now that My life is smoke and mirrors, The one thing is crystal clear That i'm the one wishing i was someone else, Anyone but me tonight Inside i start to fall apart. (Where do we go?) And i'll pretend im holding on (Where do we go?) So i guess ill bleed in silence.(In silence) I guess i'll bleed in silence. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish barbara and shannon wud go to hell. i dont even feel like i cant even call barbara my mom anymore. thats how disconnected i feel from her. last nite tay and i slept over anna's and when my mom picked us up this morning, we dropped taylor off and she starts yelling at me for my room not being clean. WTF?!?!?!?! i cleaned it, but sorry for it not being as spotless as u wud like. I dont like things squeaky clean. so sorry for my inconvinence. contrary to what u mite think, i dont try to annoy u on purpose. i just cant take the fucking shit you're always throwing at me so i get pissed and then u say im a fucking horrible daughter and i make ur life so much fucking harder. sorry. or am i? im not. u deserve every fucking thing. when u say you're dying, i secretly think "can i make this process faster" "i cant wait for it to come true"... and so on. i dont think you realize how much i despise you. i dont anyone does or ever will. When you die im throwing a party for all those people that hate and have hated you. what a party that will be. I never did anything to hurt you and yet you find it in that warm, caring heart, all the hate one person has ever needed, and more, and you take all that hate out on me. Maybe if i ever did do sumthing to you, i cud understand the hatred, but i never did a single fucking thing, except live, and sorry if thats a crime. maybe because of you, i wont be living much longer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- back to the story. she drops tay off and is yelling at me. so when we pull in the garage, the goes to get the mail and my hands are full so i knock on the door b/c its locked. my sister is upstairs. she screams "IM UP STAIRS! IM NOT GETTING IT!!!!!!!" so she storms down the stairs throws open the door and says "YOU'RE SO LAZY! THERES A KEY RIGHT THERE!" so i say "thanks?" and she was like "ARE YOU HAPPY" and she storms back up the stairs, so i bring my stuff up and my room is right next to the office where she was and she bangs open the door and is like "YOU'RE SO LAZY!" so scream "Y R U SUCH A JACKASS?!?!?!?!?!" and my mom comes in and starts screaming at me b/c she cud hear me screaming at my sister from the mail box. so i go upstairs and i blast Madina lake (

i cry my eyes out and i wonder if anybody notices i cry for all my frieds for all my wrongs for all my rights that could have been better as i sit here reading your entry, i realize that so much has happened that i never knew about, and i wish i did. as i sit here writing this entry the tears are coming. they are welling up as i type. i wish there was sumthing i could do, but i know that its not always best to try to help, but sometimes you help just by listening and saying that you understand. thats what i try to do, but i wish i cud talk to you about it. i wish i could comfort you in this pivitol part of life. but you dont want me to so i wont. tay: im rly worried about you. you're starting to sound like me. and thats rly scaring me. b/c i've been there, and thought that, but u've taken it a step further and done it. i want you to know, that no1 wants you to hurt yourself. no matter what is going on, self inflected pain is not the answer. it never is. and no matter what anyone ever tells you, you should make your own opinions about yourself and not base it off of others. and i know you rly dont want to talk about this, but i think you should. chloe: i just want you to know, that i am always here for you. and if you dont want to talk abotu it then i understand and i wont ask, but if you ever do, im here. hannah: hi yeah. thats it

1. I’m stuck in this cycle One that never ends I will never get out No matter how hard I push or shove Scratch or bite I will never get out I can’t make you see all the pain that I feel I can’t make you feel all the pain that I feel I can only hope that one-day I will still be alive Alive enough so I can get out 2. I try so hard to make you see But you could never know how I feel Or how much you hurt me You could never see You could never understand That I’m the way I am Because of you Because of the hell you put me through I will never be the same Never think the same And you will never know That because of you I’m this way I’m this fucked up And no matter how many times I try to make u see You will just reject the idea That you could possibly be such a demon And I’m through trying And this life you created for me is over

possibly. last nite sucked. majorly. my mother is an absolute fuckking cunt bag. she asked me if i wanted to move out and i was thinking "you have no idea how tempting that idea is." i didnt say anything. i stood there, crying hysterically, make up running down my face, and i was pushing my hip into the corner of the bathroom counter b/c that was the only way for me not to become violent. Its fucking 9:30 at nite, im in bed, and she makes me get out, and traps me in the bathroom, so she can yell at me for a half hour. i mean, what the fuck. if only she knew of half the shit and pain she puts me thru. if only she understood half the thoughts that i think on a regular basis. maybe that wud change her mind about me. Maybe she wudnt think that im the reason her life is so horrible. that im not the reason for the cancer or divorce. but i guess i will never know. i was talking to Hannah last nite, and i said i wud do anything and everything to get away from her, and this hell hole that i live in. If it wasnt for the fact that i have a low tolerance for pain and i hate blood, i dont know what i wud do for relief. I finally got off the computer at 10:30 cuz no1 was on but i didnt fall asleep until 1:30 becuase i was so upset. i woke up and i felt like shit, but no way was i spending the entire day with her. i wud rather die or eat worms b4 doing that. Then today, she acts like nothing happened. i mean, cum on. i know just as well as she does that this is going to happen again. IT was getting better, then sumthing snapped inside her and she almost killed me. I was sitting there crying hysterically not saying anything because anything i said "cud and wud be used against me". I know that this fight is going to happen again and i can only try to hold it off as long as posisble because i dont know if i will stay calm next time. I honestly dont know whats gonna happen, and i can only hope that i will keep my cool. not sucidle........yet

if you read the last entry, plz dont say anything to me about it. i rly dont want to talk about it. that was part of my past and i'd rather not relive it. ever. i just want to continue living this life and not think about the past, and everything that happened. thanks --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee. And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me. You cannot save me.