you dont wanna tell me whats up? fine. im done asking. you wanna say that everything i say is stupid? fine. i wont talk anymore. just because it seems like what ppl say doesnt bother me, it wud be a lie to say it didnt. it does. when you ask if im mad at you because im jsut being quiet, maybe u shud just think that im trying to be "less stupid". im not stupid. i have straight A's right now. i get good grades. i may not always say the smartest things but that does not mean i am not smart. you get mad when people say that you're not intelligent and yet you go around and tell one of your best friends the exact same thing. its really great. thanks

so its been abotu a year since ive written in this journal. a lot has changed ben and i broke up in january. i have a new bf. lets not use his name tho. itll be 3 months on thursday im writing in this journal cuz i cant get my other one to load which sucks. big time. im a junior in high school now. im somewhat happy. but mostly not. im so stuck right now. i need help but theres no one to turn to. they all say what i already know. they hate him. i cant go to them for help. they just make it worse.

so this past week i was in north carolina visiting family. it was good to get away. i needed it more than i even knew he called once. monday morning. i have no way of getting in contact with him cuz his fucking phone is screwed up adn hes in fucking new york in case u cant tell im a bit angry/aggrivated/frustrated/upset/pissy...all of the above. so thats where the swearing is from im just having a shitty night and i swear to god if im not in a good mood when he calls he's going to get ripped to shreds. thats how not okay i am with him at the moment anyways. driving lesson tomorrow. we will see how that goes...

i like you. a lot. i really do. more so than i liked him i think. im falling in love. im not going to deny it but sometimes when we're together or talking on the phone i feel like im baby sitting a five year old. not a fourteen year old. and its frustrating. after u left last night i was so warn out from just "baby sitting" you that when i tried to go to sleep, i couldnt. i kept thinking "i need to talk to you. i have to tell you this. i dont want this to be the kind of relationship where we dont talk abotu things...like him. i just hope youre not mad at me for saying it. i want us to make it. i want us to last.

so hes home. =\. im happy and a little aggrivated about it at the same time. i still dont completely trust him. but trust has to be earned right? anyways. i feel like im losing myself. i kinda like the new person im becoming but at the same time i dont. its weird. but i cant wait to get away. i woke up this morning and i guess my mom made a new friend. for the thousandth time i got to hear how much she hated me and my father. its wonderful. it really is. (not)

im falling back into bad habits. i dont like it. the anxiety adn panic attacks started again. im so stressed out right now, and to be honest, i have no idea why. i was driving today and i was making silly little mistakes that ive never made adn i just cudnt focus ur screwing up all my plans. my life. my childhood. and i dont appriciate it. not one bit. ur making this place hell. and its makign me think things from my past. that i dont want to think again. i've moved on. or so i thot. but tonight made me think differently. first the panic attacks. i knwo what comes next. its a never ending vicious circle. i wish u were dead. i hate u so much. even my fucking boss can tell. he knwos when im at ur house or his. he can tell by the way i act and stand and talk. he see's a difference. but u will never see it. ur too stupid to ever notice. _so here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me, I'm not worth any tears..._

its hard enuff trying to stay sane when im around her, but getting homework done adn good grades WHILE trying to save myself is a whole other story. its hard to focus when all u hear is yelling. and ur the one being yelled at. to either do sumthing or for sumthing u did. but u wudnt understand. u left. u left us. u moved to her. granted i like her. but dont u dare say that i have to quit my job in september because of a fucking 79 in chemistry for fourth term grade. a 79 is pretty damn fucking good. so shut ur god damned mouth. u dont know shit. if u make me quit, then go ahead and pay for my phone, my clothes, my gas money, and for everything else that i normally buy myself. go ahead. thats about 300$ a month that u want to go and take away from me so if u take it away ur giving it to me out of ur own pocket. im not going without an income, especially when im going to be driving. OH YEAH and i guess u didnt realize i have to pay for half of college right? when u left, u got the responsibility of paying for half, but mom has to pay for the other half, and she cant afford that, so whatever she cant pay, i get the joy of paying. and how the hell do u expect me to pay for that when i dont have a job? maybe my grades wud be better if i wasnt constantly getting kicked out or yelled at for some unknown reason. but moving in with u isnt an option. ur never home. ur never there. ur only here when its convinient for u. but ur forgetting that u have two daughters. so suck it up. be a man. and let us live OUR life to the best of OUR abilities. not by the way u wished u had lived urs. thats not fair to us. im never going to get straight A's. and i get that. but u know what? i also dont fail classes or get detention like u used too. im a good kid. im basically a woman now. so accept it and let me start making my own choices with out having to run them thru u first. u dont understand me. u dont understand anything. so just leave me the hell alone and forget about me. i dont care anymore. im done caring. when i care too much, bad things happen. so i dont care. just leave me alone. let me live my life my way.

you cant kick me out if i leave. adn the only thing keeping me here is a roof over my head. adn the fact that hes in chicago so i cant stay with him. when u die, im writing this on ur grave "a psychotic bitch who was never loved but hated by everyone. i'd say rest in peace but ur probably giving satan hell."

im almost certain that my ovaries are falling out, or that the world is going to end. either way... this is not good. not good at all

he left yesterday. but didnt say goodbye. i texted him asking if we were hanging out or not and he left his packing til last minute so we didnt. he said "i cant talk tho. i have to get ready. i'll miss u". and that was it.im hoping for a letter on monday. i opened up to him in the one i sent. not a lot. but enough for the time. and im nervous as hell as to what he will say to it. i just cant wait for the 1st to come when i can see him again.