Happy April Fool's. Nobody said anything about that today. Made me sad. I always say "Happy [insert new month here]!" when it's the first day of the month, and those aren't even actual holidays... Oh well. Maybe we're too "mature" now. Well, the children on YouTube are celebrating, but whatever. My tummy's killing me, and I'm trying to write, but can't and that makes me sad. I love The Rain Song by The Dreamer and The Sleeper. Seriously. I feel like I just ate Pop Rocks. Those are amazing and revolting at the same time. I'm way too obsessed with possums... I absolutely despise multivariable linear systems. Who came up with these? That person should be stoned or flogged or something. I miss my 6th grade history class. We pretended to stone people. THAT was fun.

Driving did suck. I had no idea 90 minutes could last THAT long. It's possibly I'm high on Sharpies right now. =) I've had one about an inch from my nose for five to six hours. Not that I'm just sitting here sniffing 'em. I'm animating. PURE SUCK. Hah.

I'm going driving in a little while. I'm enormously unhappy about that. I despise driving. It's not like I'm scared of it or whatever. I just really hate driving with my step-dad. I dread it. Plus, it's boring as hell. Manola was a better teacher. =( No, kid, I will NOT go to church with my parents, no matter how much you ask me to. I would have to get up early, and it's even more boring than driving. Plus I'd have to wear "nice clothes." I refuse. Now stop texting me. I need more sleep.

Just for the record, Goodbye Blues by The Hush Sound is amazing. Go buy it. Pretty. Odd. by Panic[!] at the Disco, however, is good, but it doesn't stand out much. At all. If it wasn't Panic[!], I would never ever have bought it. I'm tired. I should go to bed, 'cause I was tired at 2 AM, and it's like 4 now, but I don't want to. I really need to stop buying CDs, because I honestly won't be able to buy ANY merch at HCT if I keep this up. I've got like... 2 weeks to earn money. [Not going to happen.] Gah. I just ordered a CD, too. Maybe I won't go back there for like a month. Sorry, CD store man! xP I think too much, and I don't like it. I taste sushi. Like california-roll-sushi though. Not like sushi-sushi. Gross.

WTF? I did NOT finish that water bottle... Dang it, I'm thirsty, but I don't want to get up and go get one. I wish I would actually do something on weekends. I just like waste my life. I could go buy The Hush Sound's new CD [I probably should actually] or read my books [I've got 3 at the moment] or make a video [it'd be hard without my camera though] or work on my homework [yeah, right] or hang out with my friends [I wish I could drive] or just effing SHOWER. Instead, I'm sitting here, bored, writing this and listening to The All-American Rejects [It Ends Tonight] and I don't even LIKE The All-American Rejects. I'm also talking to a kid that I absolutely hate and trying to upload a video on YouTube, but those bore me more than Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And I absolutely despised that movie.

In 3rd grade, I stopped trusting people. For 7 years, I've built this wall around myself. Except for a brief outburst in 5th grade, I haven't told anyone anything. Not my mom, not my best friend, not my dog. To prevent the 3rd/5th grade incidents from happening again, I don't feel. Well, I do, but I ignore my feelings, pretend they're not there. Consequently, I haven't had a real "crush" on somebody since 5th grade. I've liked people since then, but not enough to actually like think about them. I tried letting my guard down for once. Not telling other people or anything, just letting myself accept it. And now it's worse than it was before. I'd rather feel nothing than this. Not that I'm miserable or anything. It's just that gross disappointed feeling. I don't get it though. I'm not EXPECTING anything...

I'm not exactly happy, but I'm not miserable. I mean, I hate a lot of stuff and am indifferent toward a lot of stuff and I wish I had more control over my life, but I'm not miserable. It's more like neutral. Slightly tipping toward the negative side of the scale, but with a lot of laughing and joking around in there. Anyway, I realized today how happy I actually am with life. I have a few close friends and then some not-so-close friends I like but don't hang out with outside of school. Today, one of my not-so-close friends told one of my close friends that she was thinking about killing herself. I'm really worried about her, 'cause I know she's truly miserable. I don't think she'll do it, but if she does, and we could have stopped it, I dunno... To sum it all up, it made me realize just how happy I am. Sure, there are bad days, things I regret, things I hate about myself, things I miss, etc. But there's a lot of laughing, joking around, grinning, and excitement too. If I could change anything about my life, I'd just change my self-esteem. xD It's almost freaking non-existant, and I worry about EVERYTHING WAY TOO MUCH. I need a job. Actually, I don't need money right now. But I would like a job. I need to get more campus service hours. I only got like 4 hours this year, and I'm s'posed to get 10 per year... Gaaah. Not to mention the community service hours my mom wants me to get...

I'm sitting here, playing Spider Solitaire, reading some story on fictionpress.com, and trying to forget that I need to shower and get to bed before 10 if I want to be alive tomorrow. I don't know why I'm so miserable right now. Stupid things are making me cry. I have to pee. Maybe I'll choose a CD to listen to in the shower. Motion City Soundtrack, The Cat Empire, The Format, Farewell... Why don't I have one of The Academy Is...'s CDs? I should. Actually, I know the answer to that. I WOULD have Santi, but I was all "No, I'll never see them live again; I don't like them that much; why should I buy it?" when I was looking at the CD when I saw them with Panic! at the Disco. And then I got home and went "DADDY CAN I GIVE YOU $10 AND BUY SANTI ON ITUNES WITH YOUR CREDIT CARD!?" Gah. Upside down and inside out = Down and Out? Sorry, I make random references when I'm not exactly sane. Not that I'm ever sane. But I'm especially not sane [but not insane! xD Or am I...?] today because I've been seriously light headed for like twelve hours. =) Blatant lie. I wasn't awake twelve hours ago.

I complain and complain and complain, but I really have nothing to complain about it. My life's really quite good compared to some of the shit my friends go through. I have both my parents, plus two extra [step-parents]. I go to a private prep school, which is a really good opportunity. I know for sure that I'll go to college. I have more than enough to eat and two places to stay... I have a family that loves me, Yet I'm miserable. I don't understand. Maybe it's just that I've realized that now that I'm older, I have barely ANY choices in life. I just would like the freedom to decide whether or not I want to go to college. Or how much money I make. I hate when people tell me I "have potential," because they're lying to me. I hate when people say "be a doctor! be a lawyer!" because I'd hate both of those professions. I hate when people gush "you're so smart!" because I don't like letting people down. I like to please people. I have things to complain about, but none of them really matter. FOR EXAMPLE: Why isn't there anything good on Fuse anymore? Where'd Steven's Untitled Rock Show go? Where'd Powerfuse go?

My head is killing me, my nose is stuffy, I keep sneezing, and I just feel awful. Why has this spring break sucked so much? Gaaah. I want breakfast, but there's no way I want to like even see my family. I don't want to go talk to them. So I may wait until they're like... gone. But that could be a while. Eeh, I'm starving. 7th Heaven is like the most hilarious show ever. And Billy is like the cutest kid in the world. Wilson's kid, I mean. Wilson looks a deranged hobo though. O.o Anyways. I want to play The Sims 2, but I can't find the black laptop with The Sims on it so I'm sad. =( [I didn't lose it, I swear. xD My sisters use it and don't replace it...] I got like no sleep last night, because someone was vaccuuming for TWO FREAKING HOURS. It woke me up at 9 and then again at 12. Ugggh. [I went to bed at 5:40] Neopets is hilarious also. The kids on there are such losers... xD