After nearly 2 years I'm back. And my god, what the hell happened to me over that time has fucking destroyed me. I'm unfocused, damaged and just faithless. I gave up my soul I gave up my pride for no fucking reason. I hate what I became in that time, if I could go back I would beat the living shit out of myself. I could bust up everything. But stand here with nothing to show... I lost it all.

Yesterday was the day, another development, a further step to prove that this year, is my year! I moved into my apartment yesterday, sweet freedom. Fucking freedom! Sorry for the swearing but I'm just on tilt in a good way. 2009 is proving all sorts of shit for me, my own psychological development, it's amazing what a little self worth can do to a person. Euphoric... It's a combination of all of them, really, the freedom and the other aspect... The one that doesn't haunt me so much. But that still matters the most.

Introduction to Derailed: Derailed is my twelfth endeavor. Another book (Movements In White/Black), down the line I continue to go. A split in my personality, the negative (black) and positive (white) voices both screaming out. Like nothing matters. Like they're the only two voices in the world. Well the black one does.

So here we go again, happy, yes? I think I am under my circumstances... I love you... I really can't think about much more, today was a fun day, all the madness, the nostalgia. But I still miss you.

Take yes as an answer. Please... What the fuck does that mean?

Talk about cathartic. Now that the movement has begun, freedom... Looks like I'm a few runs up the ladder. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Calm down... Just relax, you're okay now.

It's still flicking... I'm not a coward... But I think that been established? Has it? I mean I just said something... Right, 3 words and all of a sudden I'm better. I'm braver? I was beyond cynical, when it came to love, a complete load of shit, the crap in the movies. Yet I find myself here in a situation out of anything I'm used to.

Song #1: Lying Through Your Teeth - Head Automatica Your favorite lyric from this song: "Girl your love's so cheap" Does this song have any bad memories attached? Reminds me of an ex. What genre is this? Alternative Song #2: Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park What's the last line of this song? "I'm breaking the habit tonight" Have you ever seen this artist live? No, wouldn't mind though Who does this song make you think of? Me (selfish) Song #3: Away From The Sun - 3 Doors Down What's the first line of this song? "It's down to this" Where did you first hear this song? When I listen to the album. (2004/2005 when I got it) How about the first time you heard the artist? Back in 1999 'Kryptonite' Song #4: Wherever You Will Go - The Calling Which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? I have someone in mind Write down the chorus: "If I could Then I would I'll go wherever you will go Way up high Or down low I'll go wherever you will go" Why do you like this song? It just makes me smile Song #5: Americana - The Offspring What kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? Some kind of crappy road trip film Who introduced you to this artist? Just remember 'Pretty Fly For A White Guy' Best part of this song: Just the bits where it's "My culture's defined..." "My future's determined..." "My right's are denied..." Song #6: Sunspots - Nine Inch Nails The fourth line reads: "I forget I'm alive" How long is this song? 4:02 Is it one of your favourites? Yes it is Song #7: Pills, Demons & Etc - Velvet Revolver How long have you been listening to this artist? About a year What's the cover look like on the album this came from? It's a picture of a statue like figure breaking her chains inside a red circle with the band name and album written wround it What's this song about? Someone who uses drugs/alcohol to forget their problems Has your favourite song come up? Sunspots

A mixed bag of incosistancies The lights flicker on and off Nothing but his own head flicking To his own shaking hand It doesn't stop It won't go away Nothing makes it go away He can't stop it Then it goes dark Muddied vision A fallen hero Waking up from the American Nightmare Just wanting to go back asleep The nightmare was a blessing A blessing to this To this hell he lives in And all he wants Is a dream A dream that doesn't consume A broken bullet in the gun of life Misfired Backfired Trigger-happy A broken man Set aside Left for dead He stares at everything that brings him joy The pictures on the walls Screaming out his past His failures His hopes His desires His crimes His hate His love His faith His violent heart The gapping hole The ticking clock As each day passes He finds himself waiting for Waiting for? He forgot Eons ago His sight, his hearing, his sense of touch All gone Eons ago Only by scent Does he feel In this rubbish pile This cest pit This movement in white

"When I look into your eyes There's nothing there to see Nothing but my own mistakes Staring back at me" Funny how these two verses remind me of you. "Telling you is the Only chance for me There's nothing left But to turn and face you" They both are kind of downers, but they do. I can think of 25 negatives about me, but not 25 positives. Even if I did, I could write 'War and Peace' with the cons, the pros however would be a short free-verse poem. There is a moment between after the 4th vodka tonic where I hate what you do to me. I go back to what I was. Wanting to punch walls, hurt myself, to take that pain away. I love you. But sometimes. Sometimes... No, I can't say that, I love you too much. It's the old me screaming out, he one that wants you to hate me, to prove me wrong. The me I am sick of being, the one part of me that needs to be killed. But I need to have it, to remind me of who I was, to know where I am going is a safe place. A better place. I'm tired of hating the world. I don't have to embrace it, just to survive without it dragging me down would be nice.