You have changed the game today. You have proved something to yourself. However. Do you feel any differently? Has this helped you in any way? Have you replayed all the games. Do you want to build your time machine now? I just still can't believe I did it. I have done something. Something I'd never thought I would have done. That great leap of faith... I said it. I said it, and right now. I don't know what to feel. All knotted.

Yesterday I did it. I told her. I told her I was madly in love with her. She knew. From something I said the day before. She told me she loves me too. But I know not like that. It's like that song 'Whatever It Takes' the second verse. "She said if we're gonna make this work You gotta let me inside even though it hurts Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me" Emphasis on the last line. I already knew what her response was going to be. I have to learn to forgive and forget. Oddly since then I've lost total focus, and direction.

My longing keeps inside my head. Being around you is all the fix I need. Just breathing the same air. Just standing next to you is all I really need. The fucking insanity in my mind is numbed off just enough. Just enough when I'm with you. Reciting the same lines over and over again. Like anything is oing to change, like I'll start denying this, ignoring it. Fending it off. It still haunt me. Taking a part of... A broken spectrum... Rewrite... Speak the words I haven't spoke... Like I'm going to do that any time soon. Would I be happy with you? Or am I building a stupid idea up in my head just to stop me falling over? You dragged me up, but you are the reason I fell so hard to the ground to begin with... I can't tell you my conflict. Funny enough, concidering against my better judgement I nearly gave you VIII unedited, with my heart and soul bled out on the pages... SOME THINGS ARE BEST LEFT HIDDEN. Locked away. Burried.

I'm in love... In love with someone who does not have a clue... I can't tell her though and that is hurting me the most, all my triggers have snapped and now you are all I see. I'm punching walls, cutting myself (I understand more why people do it) breaking down to cry, but I'm unable to. I'm so close to destroying myself. It's not even funny. A week has been since I've been like this... Three months since I've fallen in love. It's starting to drain me.

And all I wanted was you. All I want is you... My dear. You are my conflict...You are my everything... You are why I can't sleep at night, that and my other demons. I love you. And that's my biggest demon of all... You are my biggest demon aswell as angel. My biggest conflict... I can't say it, I can't do a god-damn thing about it. And I don't know, I just don't fucking know...

And this is the transit, point where my world doesn't consume itself so much anymore. How colorful... I can handle my demons now, maybe something clicked yesterday, something you said, and I think it all makes sense... This is the point when it all comes together, and forces my hand again, you force my hand all the time. I don't mind, hell, in fact I love it. I don't know why... It's funny. It's so overwhellming, totally ripping me apart. But I still don't know what I'm meant to say, like any of really matters, I don't know anymore, I just don't have a fucking clue. So I have found a purpose but that doesn't help, not when you can't achieve your purpose... Movements in Black... And then in White.

Not sure of the signals now, I'm too twisted up in myself to notice what is going on. I have one constant in my life, not like that seems to matter to anyone but me. Kind of a let down... All that I've done to do this is taking a part of my soul again. I want you to know, more than anything. But life doesn't work that way for me, not at all... It's a game of all take and no give, hold out what I want and smack me in the face. I am still yet to achieve my best days... Simple practaces that have been lost within my fragmented soul. I am pulling each bit of metal one by one, I am picking at this again, and again. It's no longer about self-interest anymore. What I want is never going to arrive at this point anymore, I know it's not. And I hate that, and the fucking way I feel... I feel sick, it keeps repeating in my mind now, it's so over-consuming. Unjust people find it hard to live with themselves, because you won't be able to stand being around a bad person, [is this why I am so corrupted and dirty on the inside?] so does this mean I don't like being around myself sometimes when my mind wanders to you? Because you are the one thing that is pulling me up and tearing me to shreads... I love you and I can't take it anymore...

Another one, I think I need a break from all my seriousness. Opening Credits: What I've Done - Linkin Park (more like a closing song) Waking Up: Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police First Day of School: Happiness In Slavery - Nine Inch Nails (alot of us would agree with this, I didn't really find happiness) Falling in Love: A Thing Called Love - Johnny Cash (it fits) Fight Song: Sugar In Your Gas Tank - Less Than Jake Prom: Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction (?) Life: A.S.A.O.K - Less Than Jake (it's so true, look the lyrics up) Mental Breakdown: Intravenous Agnostic - Manic Street Preachers Driving: Sure Things Falling - Yellowcard Flashback: Razor - Foo Fighters Getting Back Together: Toxic Toast - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones Losing Your Virginity: Give My Love To Rose - Johnny Cash (? now if I knew someone called Rose) Wedding: For Pete's Sake - Yellowcard Birth of Child: (Another Song) All Over Again - Justin Timberlake Final Battle: Sin - Nine Inch Nails Death Scene: Pretty Girls (The Mover) - Against Me Funeral Song: Tennessee - Manic Street Preachers End Credits: Highwayman - Johnny Cash

Stole this from someone, so steal away. So you know put you iPod/mp3 play on shuffle and write down the track. Waking Up: The Curse - Audioslave Good Day: Vultures - The Offspring Bad Day: Dreams Of Our Fathers - Dave Matthews Band Long day: The Beginning Of The End - Nine Inch Nails Lullaby aka music to fall asleep to: Lay 'Em Down And Smack 'Em Yack 'Em - The Bouncing Souls (Yes I can fall asleep to that?) After a fight with your best friend: Stand Up (For It) - Dave Matthews Band After a fight with your parents: New York City Cops - The Strokes (Yeah, they call the fuzz on me) After a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend: Pale Blue Dot (Interlude) - Story Of The Year Falling in love: Loving The Alien - Velvet Revolver Breaking up: I.R.S - Guns 'N' Roses Making out: Never There - Hoobastank Making up: Once And For All (Demo) - Foo Fighters Sneaking out: Faint Resemblance - Rise Against Being reckless: Injection - Rise Against Road trip: Royal Oil - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones Graduation day: My Alien - Simple Plan Senior week: By_Myslf - Linkin Park (I was alone by that point) Remembering: Let Me Be Myself - 3 Doors Down Childhood memories: 999,999 - Nine Inch Nails (What did I slip into?) Vacation: The Only One - Darren Hayes Seeing an old love: March Of The Pigs - Nine Inch Nails Angry mood: Points Of Authority - Linkin Park Depressed mood: Crown Of Scars - Lifehouse Happy mood: Head Down - Nine Inch Nails Quiet mood: Bartender - Dave Matthews Band Loving mood: Pay The Man - The Offspring Song for growing up: Faling Down - Duran Duran Summer love: Story Of My Life - Bon Jovi Just SUMMER: I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry Winter romance: In Your Honor - Foo Fighters Loosing your best friend: Hero - Nickelback Loosing your love: For All The Cows - Foo Fighters Loosing a family member: Econolodged - Less Than Jake YOUR funeral song: My World - 3 Doors Down Your song you're remembered by: You, Me & The Bourgeoisie - The Submarines Your family's song for you: Forever And A Day - The Offspring Song when you have kids: John, I'm Only Dancing - David Bowie The song that reminds you of your kids: There's No Home For YOu Here - The White Stripes (Kinda tragic) Your wedding: Rough Landing, Holly - Yellowcard Your KIDS graduation: Undone - Lifehouse Your PARENTS funeral: Down With The Sickness - Disturbed The song that ties your life together: Change The World - P.O.D. (I'm not going to change the world) Your best friend's song for you: Lakini's Juice - Live The song that reminds you of your childhood town: Awkward Age - Less Than Jake Your first love: Down In It - Nine Inch Nails Your school days: Could It Be Any Harder - The Calling (It could've been harder) Your favorite summer song: Come Out And Play - The Offspring The song that reminds you of the one thing you wish you could get back: Feelin' This - Blink 182 Your drinking song: All Around Me - Savage Garden Your party song: 1940 - The Submarines

Maybe I haven't lived my best days yet, but that doesn't help. I have taken all I can stand and I want you by my side all the time. But I'm better on my own, I'm doing fine on my own. Like my own signal lighter that got totally stopped, cut off in my own mind...