Yeah if it worked like that, maybe then it would all be fine... But nothing goes to plan, I've told this to you one hundred times more, but still I find no solace in that fact, nothing in the facts... You scared my demons away, my own fears, then again, my desires... All that I have from this is my demons my fears are reborn, along with a hate that I've never felt, a new sensation that feels like I never lived without it... That's what I was hoping for, the quick fix of my bullet holes. Like a band-aid over a slit throat. That is the kind of speed I'm hoping for, this might seem stupid, shit and insignificant. My own body hates me, that's nothing new, so... I have desires, some quite twisted some not so. But underneath all my layers that keep going and going it is kind of all I have. So happy? Becoming something else, I'm willing to compromise myself at every turn... Not like that matters anymore. Nothing like this matters anymore right? Nothing seems to matter as much really in the end... The whole factor of the sins of the father, my sins of the son. WE THE BARSTARD, THE SINS, AND THE HOLY SHITS. I know what I should do, to find my solutions my answers in this, this... Notice the lies that he told you, force yourself to remember, it's has to be the one thing you can never forgive... Nothing seems to fomr a new method in my mind, the line that I have crossed, drawn away. I have to fight off my voices the shear danger...

Can't think of anything to say today so I figure I'll quote someone, I mean if you can't think of something to say, steal it. "Here's the truth: People, even regular people, are never just any one person with one set of attributes. It's not that simple. We're all at the mercy of the limbic system, clouds of electricity drifting through the brain. Every man is broken into twenty-four-hour fractions, and then again within those twenty-four hours. It's a daily pantomime, one man yielding control to the next: a backstage crowded with old hacks clamoring for their turn in the spotlight. Every week, every day. The angry man hands the baton over to the sulking man, and in turn to the sex addict, the introvert, the conversationalist. Every man is a mob, a chain gang of idiots." Memento Mori - Jonathan Nolan I would have hunted down a song, but I was reading this before so... Well...

ANTI-(ph)AKER is dead, long live procrastination... As time continues to pass so slowly, I contemplate, this life I live, whether or not I am doing okay? I'm not... But the idea that I could fix all my demons with a simple snap of the fingers is stupid, no retarded... I drink that helps some of the time, it can backfire and make it worse, I've fallen apart one too many times for me to count, all of it is my fault, it affects the ones closest to me, my friends, they mean the most to me, although not by much, most things are meaningless to me... Nothing matters as much, I don't care, but I want to care... I wish I could start over new, clean, pure...

So my last entry, can't remember anything about it. I can't even remember the title, like that matters, I don't care. Does anyone read these things. A bitching about B. My life sucks and no-one/everyone knows. I know I'm a hippocrite for all that I bitch about my demons. I work a job I hate for minimum wage, spend my days studying, I have only 2/3 friends. The ones who I considered my friends I know aren't, they're nothing to me.

I know... I need to find... Start over, I struggle to find myself, I wait for the opportunity to fall in my lap. And what do I do when it happens? I fucking ignore it. The solutions are so hard to find, my release. I hate myself for this, I hate what I am. It's too late to change, I've tried I can't no matter how hard I try. I feel like life's not worth living. It's hollow and void of depth and sense. Fuck it...

From the 7th to the 13th, this week I've initation an artistic project: ANTI-(ph)AKER it's focus is 48 pieces numbered from 209 - 256. All of which combine, not in a whole image (I'm not crazy) but in minor ways color trailing off, boarders connecting, all that. My last project (ph)AKER counted down from 208. However due to a lack of focus it fell apart by 187. ANTI is more focused, I know what it is about. I think I do. Just a way to further refine a bunch of projects 'Broken Bullet' and 'LAG'. And this is just the way it is.

What am I doing? I feel like a fake, a total fraud - about this, these fucking entries, I feel like all the others here "mommy doesn't love me, daddy loved me too much" and all the issues that are meaningless. The point is we bitch about everthing to everyone expecting sympathy. Bull, I empathise with no one. Because when push comes to shove they would throw me into the fire to survive, I know I would. I like to think my actions have meaning, but I know they don't. You're all expendable in the end, you might as well face it. Everything I've tried to do has turned to shit on me all my actions are meaningless. I feel nothing. My friends are all pricks. My issues are pointless, I have my demons but that is unimportant, my demons keep me going. Keep me focused. This leads me to ruiners (if you know the song you'll know what I mean) it's all about selfish desires with these people they'll show interest then cut you down. I won't ramble bad memories from a bad time. I want them to hurt like nothing else, my life is a struggle with this inner torment. The idea that it'll all work out, yeah wishful thinking. I want to go away for a very long time. I'm living the best years of my life and I hate them. I want them gone I want this popularity contest of a life to be finished but that is it, life is on giant... One giant popularity contest. One where I'm fucked from the start. Fuck it all.

Can't think of anything to say, uninspired. I have no muse. So just to fill in: 1. Name a quote from the song you're listening to: "All my feelings are more important than yours" 2. When were you born? 1989 3. Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating? No 4. What are you seriously wearing? Grey button up shirt, black (loose fitting) jeans 5. When is the last time you saw the person you like/liked? A while, I can't remember 6. Ever kissed anyone on your top friends? No 7. Describe the last time you were injured? Two days ago, slice my foot open on broken glass (not as bad as it sounds) 8. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? My average is 5 9. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back? No... Yes 10. On your "lazy days" what would you be doing? This is my lazy day, so this. 11. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with? Lets just say only one. 12. Most recent movie you have watched in theatres? Rambo IV 13. Who was the last person to slap your butt? Can't remember 14. Favorite toy as a child? Can't remember 15. Do you own a pair of Converse? 2, one black (falling apart) and a pair of those red AIDS ones 17. Do you eat cookie dough? Can't get it here. 18. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? Yes 19. When's the last time you had gummy bears? A while, had gummy worms sometime in june 20. What color are your bedsheets? Blue. 21. Do people consider you smart? Hope so 22. What temperature is it outside right now? 13°C or about 55°F 23. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? No 24. Could you live without a computer? No 25. Do you have an iPod? Yes 26. What movie do you know every line to? "Back To The Future III" and "Memento" 27. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? Long time ago 28. Last person you hugged? A work collegue who was leaving 29. Had a long distance relationship? No 30. Who was the last person you held hands with? That's not important 31. At what age did you start noticing the opposite gender? Start is difficult to pinpoint, but obsession began a few years back 32. Do you know someone who likes you? No 33. How do you handle a rainy day? Love 'em (as long as it is consistant "Matrix: Revolutions" like) 34. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you? All too well 35. Are you cold? Nope 36. Do you have a lot to learn? Yes 37. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? I wish 39. Are you a patient person? I can wait a very long time for somethings but I want somethings right now 40. Are you an impatient person? (Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V The above) 41. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers? WB 42. When do you feel your life energy is the strongest? When I'm drunk 43. Are you with someone right now? No all alone 44. Next time you'll take a shower? Tonight 45. Is anyone on your bad side now? They all know who they are 46. What jewelry are you wearing? A watch (that counts right, it's also an ironic accessory) 47. Who's your favorite singers/band? Nine Inch Nails 48. Next kiss? ? 49. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Yeah then I go and castrate myself on a regular basis (that is sarcasim just in case) 50. How do people spell your name? With a 'C' or a 'K' 51. Would you wear your boyfriends/girlfriends clothes? No 52. Hows your life going as of right now? Fucking shit (read previous entries for more details) 53. Do you think you're ugly? Average 54. How's your heart? Physically: Damaged (too much caffeine) Emotionally: Damaged 55. Last line of a song you heard? "I would keep myself, I would find a way" 56. What are you doing tomorrow? Nothing note worthy 57.Can you honestly say your happy with who you are? No not at all 58. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? Boy: It would be more creepy than cute Girl: Yeah fine 60. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Sure it's too unique to throw away 61. Would you rather be drunk or high? Drunk (hugs not drugs!) 62. When is the last time you left your house? Yesterday 63. Look through the 2 nearest windows what do you see? Houses 64. Who is someone you have drifted from? Most of my friends from college (high school to you in America) 65. Whose the last person you felt stalked by? No one comes to mind 66. Do you like anyone? Yes 67. Do they know? No (never will) 69. Do you have a dishwasher? No 70. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yes when I was 5 or 6 71. Would you survive in prison? God no 72. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you? Probably 73. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? No 74. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? No 75. Who is number 1 on your top friends? I have only one real friend 76. What can you not wait to do? Fix myself 77. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Yeah 78. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4 79. Whats the last thing you ate & why? A can of red bull, why? Because I don't eat breakfast 80. Are you a friendly person? Until you piss me off 82. Have you kissed anyone with a name that starts with an "A"? No 83. What's the worst thing someone can do to you? Play me 84. What's your middle name? David 85. Where is your cell phone? In my pocket 86. How are you sitting? In a chair 87. What brand is your shirt right now? No name 88. Ever been to Georgia? No 89. Do you flirt a lot? No 90. What do you call your parents? Mum and bastard* *non-existant relationship with father 91. What irritates you most on the internet? Social network sites and Fucks on you-tube (both of them are the downfall of the internet) 93. What are your plans for the future? Dead by 27 (at this rate) 94. Do you fall for boys/girls very easy? Yes... Sort of 95. Do you think your a good girlfriend/boyfriend? I know I would 96. What are you listening too right now? The Offspring - Half-Truism

It's been a while since my last entry, six months and I think I'm getting worse, well I've come back to this. I've been sober now for about seven weeks. And I hate it. I fucking hate it, the fucking bullshit. The load of total bull shit that this is to me, that this means to me. The whole point is that nothing changes, nothing will change until that turning point when you make the fucking change, but the problem is I don't want to (well I do), I'm all alone, I don't mind it, sometimes but those moments when the sinking feeling sweeps over. And nothing... My own self destruction, the idea that if I was like "them" would I be better off? I suppose I would, but I wouldn't be me (god that sounded cheesy). I feel like a failure. I haven't acomplished much and I'm nearing the end. My mind has broken, I used to be angry, now I'm just bitter and mad at everyone, everyone has something I don't and I want it. I mean I could pull out a gun and just fucking shoot them down (note: I don't have an access to a gun and if I did I'd more likely use it on myself). What are we striving for in this life?

Only you can prevent forest fires. Unless there is no you and there is only me. I am Jack's blank mind. One week to go. Another eighteen days till I'm nineteen. And another eight years, two weeks and four days till I'm dead.