jock(ph)aker's Journal

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  • Lights In The Sky

    by jock(ph)aker on March 02, 2009
    She's Mostly Gone... Started university up again and I don't feel as much distain for the place as I once had. My world doesn't seem so lonely anymore, I found purpose, a reason to keep living. I just can't do anything about it all, like it or not and I don't want to come off as nuts, or anything, but my mind is only battling one thing, and I can't do anything about that can I now, not now... It's totally blind to you...
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  • Paralyzer

    by jock(ph)aker on February 02, 2009
    I have to say right now I've gone a full 180 in my view of myself, I would say that I like myself, and that I can actually see myself enjoying life now without being drunk... Funny where I started a year ago, this is totally unexpected in all. Dream big and dream kind... It always comes in that moment when you feel nothing can save, then you save yourself. With just a bit of help from those people around you to pull you out of that hole, to prop you up, tell you you're fine, that you have purpose, that shouldn't settle for less than you deserve. I now know what I want more than anything this is the only conflict that I face anymore. [You might think I'd delete the past enteries but I have to hold onto my past, I need a reminder of the past or I'm going to fall back into...]
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  • Malachi Richter's Liquor's Quicker

    by jock(ph)aker on January 12, 2009
    Give me some breathing room... Some things have changed and I'm so glad that they have. It all makes sense, it's been awhile but I'm not that self hating sack of shit I was a month ago. Sort of... My void is filling up...
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  • I Feel You

    by jock(ph)aker on December 03, 2008

    It feels like an end of an era...

    I watch the series finale of The Shield just 15 minutes ago and all I can say is, I wish it wasn't the end, from the start that show was amazing. In terms of writing and acting. The best for any TV show.

    I'm a little uninspired to write anything more so...

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  • You Know My Name

    by jock(ph)aker on December 01, 2008

    I just want the whole idea to go away...

    I need to figure out my own shit, and yet I'm meant to help out others? I mean really, no one knows what is floating around in my head, it's nearly a year from my opening of this total bullshit fax but I need it to keep going... 2009 is right in my face and I want this year to end... But some how I want to balance the year, fix it somehow?

    I keep looking back and all I see is her and how she came and totally fucked up my life more than anyone else before, I feel better in the sense I now know what I am capable of in terms of anger...

    Some people just have to be shot down... I think this is just becoming all too much to handle...

    You were nothing so divine...

    LAG is all I have right now, it keeps my mind in check, my muse, my motivation...

    I am the sum of my environment and everyone in it... However...

    ... This is all my fault.

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  • Shaft

    by jock(ph)aker on November 29, 2008

    Stole this from Seewa who stole it from someone else... (what comes around, right?)

    1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
    2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
    3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

    IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
    Hold On - KT Tunstall

    WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
    Falling - Staind (falling apart.)

    WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
    Come Out And Play (Keep 'Em Separated) - The Offspring

    HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
    Crash And Burn - Savage Garden (fits perfectly)

    WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
    Freedom Fighters - P.O.D (what a terrorist?)

    WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
    Suck - Nine Inch Nails

    WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
    All Will Be Forgotten - Holly Brook

    WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
    Endlessly - Muse

    WHAT IS 2+2?
    Razorblade - The Strokes

    WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
    Falling Away With You - Muse

    WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
    The Big Come Down - Nine Inch Nails (it is how I felt afterwards)

    WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
    Sin - Nine Inch Nails

    WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
    Michael Jordan - Five For Fighting (come on that is funny, I mean I'm white and can't play basketball to save my life)

    WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
    Recess - Muse

    WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
    Farther Away - Evanscence

    WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
    Little Cream Soda - The White Stripes

    WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
    Some Might Say - Oasis

    WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
    Blindsided - Less Than Jake

    WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
    Not Finished Just Yet - Bernard Fanning

    WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
    From The Inside - Linkin Park

    WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
    There's No Solution - Sum 41 (yes it could quite be)

    HOW WILL YOU DIE?
    Mama Said - Metallica (so will my mom kill me or?)

    WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
    Loser - 3 Doors Down

    WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
    Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

    WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
    Breakout - Foo Fighters (pimple breakout? doesn't make me cry)

    WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
    What's My Age Again - Blink 182

    WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
    Head Down - Nine Inch Nails (that none of this is real (read the lyrics))

    DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
    Sick Sick Sick - Queens Of The Stone Age

    IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
    Faint - Linkin Park

    WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
    Bulletproof - Shihad (I wish I was bulletproof)

    WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
    Shaft - Incubus (shut your mouth!)

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  • Hysteria

    by jock(ph)aker on November 26, 2008

    So last night it finally happen I gave into the voices in my head, I finished word at 10 and went home where I proceeded to drink beer and try to cry myself to sleep... Didn't work too well, seeing as for one fucked up reason I can't cry... So I just started to jab myself in the arm with a compass point, and cut... (Not the smartest thing to do it's like cutting with a bread knive, jagged and screwed up) I finally accepted the fact that I do not have a friend in the world...

    Not that I care really...

     Another year is nearly over and what have I acomplished?

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  • Everybody's Fool

    by jock(ph)aker on October 18, 2008
    I could care less about the people in my life... I've come to this conclusion, the whole looking back on everything, if I died today who would attend my funeral? (Try it yourself, think who really would come.) All I could come up with: My Mom My Maternal Grandafather A few friends Between me and my father I wouldn't go to his, I'd dance on his grave sooner than talk to him...
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  • Anna Molly

    by jock(ph)aker on October 17, 2008
    I'm kinda glad this year is nearly over. Not like I really forget the last year but... So I started drinking again, in private, I have to caps of vodka in every glass of whatever I'm drinking just to get through the days know. I'm not getting drunk from it, I need my functionality to get through the day, no one knows I'm doing this. I just have so many voices in my head I need to drown. I have an exam tomorrow as well and I'm going to totally fuck it up and in turn I'm going to fuck up my life... Like it matters. This has been my fifth glass today and right now I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to lie in the dark alone again, not like every other god damn night, that is when the voices hurt the most. That is when they fuck you up the most... 17 hours to go. And already another friday night on my own... $30 on vodka, cheaper than going out and not as irritating, however I really couldn't afford that, in reality I should have put that on my credit card, which I owe a shit load due to the fact I had to replace my iPod a few weeks ago and get some new shoes. I mean it all just happens at once. I contacted my father about a bit of help getting out of a hole, and what does he do call me a bastard and such, I mean I reached out and tried to contact so much could be said for him, I mean 5 years it will be in january since I've seen him, he's better off dead to me. Shit I'm so fucking tired and it's only quarter past 9...
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  • Crystal Japan

    by jock(ph)aker on October 08, 2008
    After yesterday all I can feel is my back in stitches and my feet bleeding off the flesh. [EDITED] The morning is just dead in terms of completion, I will stay until it is done, finished, faded... Nothing else seems to make this go away, this idea... Must this continue down this route, down this stupid route, looking through the sending, broken throught the lies, the drawn, the times I've failed, the cost of living. The formation of everything that happens, the high cost of living, the low cost of life... This is my sins for the past 10 years (I think it's about 10, my demons have taken control) all the times that I've fallen, all of the times I've tried to get back up, and everytime I gave up... All the times I've let this get to me, like most of the time, I just have to fucking fight this shit... Not that it matters anyway... Broken, faded, forgotten... The sins... Of flesh... I want to break it up, I want to fuck it up... And I'm made of clay, the world just washes me away...
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