I don't know what to say but I believe the Gods are shining down on me. I've spent about the last six weeks looking for my first job. I don't like this generation and th whole thing about not having failure. You don't get a rejection letter or anything you just don't get a call or jack shit. But I digress, I had my first interview (shit took me six weeks to get that far) and got the job on the fucking spot.

She goes out, all day. She then comes home and goes to bed, not a word to me, four days now. She sleeps right next to me and not a word. Although I'm one to talk, I've got nothing, no job, my life is in ruins, she lies right next to me and we both say nothing. - I do nothing. I sit at home all day and drink. She's been through a lot the last few months and I haven't been there for her, I've tried but shit has just added up. It's too late now to give you what you wanted, but, I should have said yes. I should have. But it's too late now, I don't know what to say, I can say I'm sorry one hundred times, but I can't turn back the clock to that one night that changed everything. 'I love you' if I could say It to your face again I would I swear I would. The damage is done, is it convenience that you're with me so you're not on your own, for now? Hell I don't know anymore I'm scared, I admit it I'm scared, of losing you, I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't want to lose you. I didn't want this, I dragged you away, and then this happen, I'm so sorry, what happened, what they did. It kills you. You hate me and that is all there is to it, right? You have every right to.

So I saw the Grammy list. Can only think of a few four letter words to sum it up. I'm not going into details over it but there is one song that I hate with a passion and it's up for song of the year (so that's a one in five chance of guessing correct), fuck they'll all heavy mainstream bullshit. I think Trent Reznor said it best "A bunch of old men jerking each other off."

Time to do this quiz shit to. Credit to the original writer, cheers. 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? I find both to be difficult, however I find it extremely hard to tell someone how I feel looking them in the eyes. 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry? Last week, I totally blew a fuse (over nothing really). 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make one phone call.. who do you phone? Don't know I'm not one to talk on the phone but maybe my good friend. 4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? Nope, no one at all. b) What do you do with your remaining days? Live life to the full, not holding back. Try to get as little sleep as possible (you can sleep once you're dead). c) Would you be afraid? Seeing as I have wanted to kill myself for a while no (maybe on the last day I would). 5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Which do you choose? Love, I've been screwed over before so that don't matter so much anymore. 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you save the dog? Can barely swim to save myself, so no. Besides don't like pets, I find them annoying. 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say? Depending if I had those feelings as well. Shit don't know. 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? No. I depressive, moody, vindictive and spiteful. However I would have a good laugh. 11. Does love = sex? Nope, sex is like our souls, for sale to the highest bidder. Love can be as well but allot less likely. 12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to quit? If I was able to survive and they were a close friend yes, otherwise no survival of the fittest. 13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Never, I hide myself away. 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back? Probably that I love them. 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Drawing, I define myself by my art so without it, I'm nothing. 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you? Never, I can't say those three words (I'm really fucked up). 18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? Have no idea. 19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? If I knew how, sure, why not? 21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? Grandmother, more life experience, the young one has so far to go and learn about this fucked up world (or spare the baby the pain of life but that's too pessimistic). 22. Are you old fashioned? Sort of, in some ways. 23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? I'm not nice, but once when a friend was down I helped him out. 24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? Broken heart, I'd rather love someone and have them screw me over, then be alone and bitter. 25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I'll be selfish and say love.

Another day another dollar. I saw about ten adverts about Christmas in the last five minutes it's fucking stupid. I'm not religious so I don't care about the birth of Jesus if that actually happened. I'm not a spiritual person, I think there could be some greater power out there who knows I just find religion to organized and hypocritical. It should all be about spreading peace and bullshit like that, it's evolved (I like saying that cause evolution is a big no no in religion) to a point in which it's become a battle over who has the best imaginary friend. Time to depart into the wilderness, into the heart of darkness from whence we came. The end is nigh, we are bordering on the end of our sanity, our faith is expired, broken if you must. We believe in only one thing: RATBOY - He will save us. (I think.)

Love? It's a funny thing that some people get it, and they abuse it. Most of my friends have cheated on their girlfriends. Me on the other hand: am yet to find it. I want to find someone who will care for me, for who I am not what I'll become for her. It's all a fucking compromise: LIFE. I have to let myself fucking relax. But life's a bitch. It's all irrelevant in the end though life's just one punch in the face after another. Everyone is fucking on my fucking back and I'm going crazy because of all this shit. I better talk about something else I'm getting pissed (angry). I'm fucked up. I am an embodiment of my own pain. My own anger, I've done things that I'm not too proud of. To all of them I apologize. Global Warming is a funny thing: everything we did over the last 5 years has been bad now. I do believe it is happening but how about motor sport? Why do these cars go in circle burning fuel polluting this world and we're all to blame. But that stupid sport continues and we're trying to prevent this world from going to hell, wait. Prevent this world descending further into hell.

"Please, Take this, And run far away, Far away from me, I am, Tainted, The Two of us, Were never meant to be, All these, Pieces, And promises and left behinds, If only I could see, In my, Nothing, You meant everything, Everything to me." NIN - And All That Could Have Been. I've been listening to this song over and over again today, don't know why I just feel useless today: Uninspired I guess, like everything in life. Empty and hollow.

I find myself with a release on this journal - namely cause nothing else I do seems to matter. I can't find anything worth fighting for (within myself) I am a pillar of anger and distrust. My life is one failure after another. I should look on the bright side I'm only 18 I have my life ahead of me but really it gets worse. A decent into despair, loneliness, and a shit load of panic - about what might have been, are right now and could be. I feel like my family hates me - I have not archived much I don't play sports thats all that fucking matters in this world sport - I'm not athletic in any sense of the world (not fat). But you know if you can't catch a ball. Run with the ball. In fact anything with a ball - you're useless. - Here's the problem why are they considered so great - he scored a point "Fuck Yeah". I mean people are out there trying to cure diseases but do we care - no -.

Why is everyday the same? The news is filled with the same garbage, fortunately not the 'Iraq situation' but VC's stolen and blah blah blah, I don't really care about some stolen medals I mean war is funny like that I mean you can hate the war but you better god damn support the troops suppose that is true. It's about 21 days to mass consumerism day - or Christmas to you Christians out there (and what other religious/ non-religious people out there celebrate - greedy sons-of-bitches). Another 27 days to New Years (I have no cleaver name for that it is a pointless event, I mean why December 31st? What is the cosmic significance of that date is it the junction point of the space time continuum - crap I've rattled off Back To The Future.) it is another night to stay out and get smashed. I don't drink not much I don't see a point in it waste of money if you ask me - but I'm a minority. I'm sick of the music channel here C4 I mean it's got nothing except hip-hop and shit New Zealand music I don't care what people say I find it uninspired, and a carbon copy of the Americana "gangsta" rap bull-shit that is taking over. Or it's Emo-Rock. I mean the channel missed some of the best songs this year 'Survialism' and 'Anna-Molly' but we get every other piece of shit artist out there why? CAUSE SEX SELLS. Fuck them all I say - is this what the world has become one giant sex joke I remember when comedies used to be funny before this whole generation of degenerate assholes brought out teen movies I could write a better script on acid, hell if I had the intelligence of a 10 year old I could write a better script. Come on give those writers what they want I want to see 24 season 7 not Survivor: Hell or what ever shit location they'll pick next.

I have no real idea what to say, I usually have a hate towards these online journals but right now I have nothing better to do with my time. It's nearly the end of another year and I'm not a reflective person, can't stand the past it's a constant reminder of screw ups and such. I suppose this is my life - music - I'm not a maker of music I'm not musically inclined, but I draw, sketch whatever, but I find music a release, I don't believe that music can influence mood but mood influences music, one day I could listen to something then can't stand it the next.