Well I'm going to steal the "25 Things" thing from lucygray who stole it from Cest-La-Vie. 01. I have written (well I'm on) 11 journals (hence why some of these entries have started with Roman Numerals, just in case you actually read this stuff, just to understand) over the course of 18 months. And I have only let one person read any of them. 02. After each stage in life, I disconnect all ties with my friends. I have only kept in contact one friend (who I've known for over 10 years). 03. I have never been able to say 'I love you' to anyone (not to family, anyone), except you. 04. I'd like to think I'm fine without her, but deep down it is destroying me. 05. I get inspired to draw at the most inopertune times. 06. I only have two friends. I'd rather have two that I could count on, than a million that would trade me in, in and instant. 07. I can't ride a bike. 08. I have started a project of mine called 'Broken Bullet' about six years in the making. I've started the final chapter of the first part. 09. I believe when I finish this chapter, I'm going not bother with it at all. 10. I don't smile, except when I laugh. 11. I have nagging thoughts about wanting to ruin peoples happiness. 12. I hate when people assume things about me, that are correct. 13. Every year in feburary I have severe case of artist's block, which lasts about three and a half months (just got my inspiration back a week ago). 14. I haven't had a proper conversation with my father in over five years now. 15. I believe 2009 will be my year to be happy. 16. I am at the stage in life where I can say I can live in my own skin. 17. I sometimes wish I could be like you, and love myself. 18. I have found that my anger gave me direction, but since opening up to you, healing myself. I've lost that focus, that drive that got me through. 19. I would give anything for you to love me, like I love you. 20. When I look at people I see nothing worth liking. 21. I built 'Broken Bullet' up as a love story, because I didn't think I'd have it. 22. I've learnt that being nice gets you nowhere except walked on. 23. I have an obsession with the number 23. 24. I would not change my past for anything. Everything happens for a reason, and I would not be here right now. 25. I feel that when I turn 21 in seven months I would look back on my life and hate everything that I am.

Funny I find being alone, a little more isolating than I had originally hoped for. Not that I don't mind it, I just find it a little lonely. But none of it really matters right? I'm in love... I am in absolute love... This is all I can think about, but I need to focus on my art. My masterpiece, my 'Broken Bullet'. I want nothing else than to continue 'Bullet'. So much for all.

Song #1: Dirty Magic - The Offspring Your favorite lyric from this song: "She's not so sweet today She mocks me I'm no fighter" Does this song have any bad memories attached? No, not that I can think of What genre is this? Punk rock Song #2: When The World Ends - Dave Matthews Band What's the last line of this song? "When the world is over we'll just be beginning" Have you ever seen this artist live? No, probably wouldn't Who does this song make you think of? Being with the one I love Song #3: Your Time Has Come - Audioslave What's the first line of this song? "Now one fell asleep in the street" Where did you first hear this song? Listening to the album the first time How about the first time you heard the artist? 2001? I always remember 'Like A Stone' Song #4: Points Of Authority - Linkin Park Which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? The chorus fits someone very well, an old friend, I also think this song fits me Write down the chorus: "You like to think you're never wrong (You live what you learn) You like to act like you're someone (You live what you learn) You want someone to hurt like you (You live what you learn) You want to share what you've been through (You live what you learn)" Why do you like this song? The beat, it just really makes me want to move Song #5: Black Heart Inertia - Incubus What kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? Haven't really listened to this enough to really figure that out Who introduced you to this artist? A friend was really into Incubus and lent me an album or two Best part of this song: Not too sure, I haven't listened to it enough yet Song #6: Thorny Thicket - The Submarines The fourth line reads: "Yes, you broke it apart" How long is this song? 3:30 Is it one of your favourites? It kind of is, at this moment Song #7: The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails What's the cover look like on the album this came from? Hard to explain it has a reddish flame like look cut off at the top with a black and white scratchy looking thing, it's really difficult to explain What's this song about? One of the only NIN love songs, how you'd do anything for the one you love, that she doesn't see herself how she should and is falling apart Has your favourite song come up? When The World Ends The Fragile

So another entry, it's been a little while, and right now my own mind is sorted out, my demons have checked out. The focus is back and my art must take a fore-front in my spectrum, it is the one thing I have left to hold onto. Concidering I can't have you... I don't mean it like that.

So the whole point is right now, the whole god-damn game has changed, you are different around me. I shouldn't have said anything. It's not like my head is any lighter now. You have changed, when you said it wouldn't...

So now it's all coming apart again. I'm not sure about it anymore. But right now, I really want you. I always want you. You are the only person in my whole life I've told that I love. In my whole life, so telling you knowing what was to happen, I knew what your response was. But I still did it, I needed to. You had to know what you're doing to me...

I've got a few of these to do, so just a small break from all my madness. Stole these from someone, I forget. Song #1: Life Of My OWn - 3 Doors Down Your favorite lyric from this song: "Feel no sorrow, feel no pain" Does this song have any bad memories attached? None in particular What genre is this? Rock Song #2: 1,000,000 - Nine Inch Nails What's the last line of this song? "I don't feel anything at all" Have you ever seen this artist live? Earlier this year. Who does this song make you think of? Morning after a wild party (second verse) Song #3: Words, Hands, Hearts - Yellowcard What's the first line of this song? "The whole world was sleeping" Where did you first hear this song? On the album 'Lights And Sounds' How about the first time you heard the artist? Back in 2003? (The song 'Way Away') Song #4: Anna Molly - Incubus Which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? Someone I really didn't to know well enough before we parted ways Write down the chorus: "I picture your face In the back of my eyes A fire in the attic Proof of the prize Anna Molly Anna Molly Anna Molly" Why do you like this song? It's just so damn catchy Song #5: The Warning - Nine Inch Nails What kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? Sci-Fi I suppose, especially if you know all about the Year-Zero concept Who introduced you to this artist? I listened to a cover of one song and then picked iup one of their albums Best part of this song: The second verse, where the guitar picks up Song #6: I'm Afraid Of Americans - David Bowie The fourth line reads: "They don't even just pretend" How long is this song? 4:25 Is it one of your favourites? The remix version is Song #7: It's Been Awhile - Staind How long have you been listening to this artist? 2/3 years What's the cover look like on the album this came from? It's a distorted image of a tree, in a blue tint What's this song about? I would say being able to forgive yourself, and moving on, Has your favourite song come up? 1,000,000 It's Been Awhile

I'm going to say something insane. More insane. I'm going to make you love me, like I love you. One day. I am so in love with you. I love you so much, and you'll never understand. I know what you said, but it doesn't make it any easier, everything. I have never felt this way about anyone, you are my 'Estelle' (you'll know what this means one day, I hope). The fact that I keep doing this over and over again. And all I can think of is you. My dear. I am madly in love with you, I've never said it to anyone. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you... I never wanted to say this, but you are the reason I stay alive... I love you. LOVE... A-fucking-mazing. You love me, but not like that, right? I mean who would? Right? I have my catches and triggers. I have to love myself. And god-damn it I will, I have to pull no punches with myself. No biased opinion. I have to look at everything with an untouched mind. See all the pretty colors and faded lights. I have finally found my place in everything. I love you... Over and over you keep saying it. But it keeps bleeding... And soon enough none of this will matter. I want to say I'll move on, but I don't think I can... Because everytime I see you, I want to hold you, I want to kiss you (I'm a real hopeless romantic, emphasis on the hopeless).

Maybe doing the right thing was all going to do this to me anyway, right? I'm so twisted. I told you. I actually told you, I still kind of can't believe it, I'm in love with you. I love you so much, more than you'll know.

You're just fading, fading, fading the fuck away. And right now the blanking of everything is the worst. I just don't know what to feel about anything (except my constant) anymore. I keep replaying that moment in my head over and over again. Now I can't stand to be alone. But it allows me to... Something, at least...