what i wish i could remember: my first kiss......... i promise to write something decent next time......

the last time someone text me the last time my mom actually hugged me the last time i looked in the mirror and was content with what i saw the last time i went to sleep without ringing in my ears the last time i did something and not cared what happened the last time i was myself the last time i did something monumental.......

i miss people.. i miss hugs.. i miss you.. i miss the fact that i knew i wanted to fuck you so bad but now i know i never have a chance.... now i know that it never meant that much to you... the one guy i really really want.. the one i neeed.. the one i actually let myself falll for, with all my heart.. with everything.. it was so right.. i miss it all. fuck... i hate this.. the other night. i was manic.. so fucking crazy.. screaming.. crying.. shaking... no control at all... mother fucking dearest just shouted.... screamed.. tried to analyse me... i just needed a hug.. someone to hold me.. calm me down.. she wouldnt even let me ring luke.. the one guy whos pulled me down so manytimes but who can always help when i need it.. mum just goes on about 'this isnt how your psycologist told you to cope.... FUCK.. she doenst know me at all... didn't she know at school i was like this everyday... noone knew what to do... all i need is to be held.. someone to calm me down..... god i miss him... i want him back.. its never going to happen though......................................

we broke up..... im sad... i still like him.... but its strange.... im peacful., i can actually cope, how unusual.... i miss him.... sooo much... he was special.... pity it didnt last... ce la vie... all that shit... i still want him.... more than helll ever know......

If you had told me a year ago what I was like now I would be so surprised at how much I haven’t changed. Im still in this depression cycle, but without the cutting(tho I want to sooo much but ….) My friends really shouldn’t be my friends And I still hate my self so much even I get surprised sometimes It seems the only differences are theres better music and an awesome bf. I duno how many times iv said oh, this ones great, hes oh so wonderful… But Theres summat special about Declan, I dunno… Maybe soemting to do with the fact about when he found out all my baggage hes just like oh well I don’t give a shit, I just wanna b with u and make u happy Ahhh Welll I dunno this craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy life hey???? Peace x

wow i cant believe iv actuially lived this long without being on here: just saying im in malaysia (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) n ive kept my promise im so proud its beautiful here raining atm love you all

i am going 2 be better, no more cutting no more depression i catnt live with it anymore this time i mean it the last time i cut was a coupla weeks ago, in front of everyone while my boyfriend was holding me. i cant do that to him again n now im seeeing sum dumb fuck shrink but i dont need her im getting there on my own i will be better remembered for smiles and energy that i used to have not the tears n cuts that iv become.

where do i start????? its so hard to begin even thinking about it and indeed what the fuck is it??? and how can i escape from it? latley its all too hard, everything, even breathing at the tiniest most nonexistent thing i fall apart and the worst bit, it feels like im actually coming apart and no one can help i found out today that another one of my friends has started cutting, it killed me finding out, that makes me a hypocrite suppose but i need it ans this guy(ex-stalker) has finally screwed me into the ground one more time adn i can't just forgive and forget anymore, im so damaged. he doesnt understand, only looking out for him. im a trauma, he can't be fucked anymore( his exact words too) him saying that ripped me open and my heart is still shattered, bleeding on the floor. he says lets talk about it but i cant hel only twist it his way and how do u explain you loved him so much and put up with him hurting you, that he could just look at you and youd forgive it all. but not anymore, im just too broken and in need of finding the glue that might slowly stick me back together, i cant see it happening, im drifting through a haze of black and i cant see the light on the other side, is there even a light???? will i ever find it? and now i dont hate him anymore, im drawn to him again but the only thing is now im scarred, hes the reason for my scars, the reason ill cut. but i cant forgive, not yet but mind you i no i will and hell forget and this fucking cycle will never end and i keep on falling falling into the darkness never to see the light of day again

i lie here your keeping me awake the pounding in my head just won't go away its not so much tha im depresssed all the time, its just i never feel happy its the boring, black and white monotony of life tha gets me down not being able to feel just fine, always on the borderline, about to tip into the abyss forever to spend all my time trying to scrabble out Help! i need somebody but all i ever get is the dial tone

I have no idea whats happened, It was all going so well, I was happy Almost in love And not failing at school It was so good, having the time of my life not working at school, flirting, going out until mum came home, apparently she is angry about kieran, and he texted me last night, saying something about how he was sorry if he was weird, and that he loved me anyway, it all went downhill from there we were going to watch some ma movie at school, so I had to get a note and she was all angry and saying stuff about how why can’t we watch pg and that people want us to grow up too fast. I find it hilarious because she knows nothing about her daughter, That she gets depressed all the time That she hates herself That she flirts so she can just be held That she cant control her emotions so she breaksdown and cuts herself………. She is such a fucking hypocrite, Shes only 38 and she acts like shes 50 She never goes out, has gotten fat and is a grumpy cunt all the time You know the other day we went to a concert at fowlers and it was the first time shes been to a club, I mean what the fuck??? And I thought I was sheltered?? She says I don’t need to know about drugs or sex or booze, Why not?? I know about it already I need to forget I have to forget I must forget I will forget I cant cope with this anymore I need to feel the pain, the blood I need to cry, to let it out But it never happens, Its all bottled up and One day it will explode and I I will die from it I cant wait till I can drive I will go into a tree on my 16th birthday, Shut my eyes Pray to die And drive Hopefully it works….. My friends have no idea, they think im happy The ones who know that im not don’t really care They just want a screw, Its shit My life Im privileged in the normal ways A home a school a car food on the table But it seems people always forget about the emotions… People feel, Even if I come across as an ‘ice queen’ (thanks stalker) I feel, Feel to much Feel it too the core, I cant help it if im so passionate If I cant portray my emotions I think I should get help, HOW??? Without people finding out?? It wont work Ill just keep on cutting and one day itll be too deep and in the wrong place, Screw the consequences, Whats the point anyway??? I hate myself so much, My stupid whinyness and depression, How I care so much about what people think The fact I fall in love so easily My weight, that ive put do much on My mind that’s so fucked My boring life It’s a sickness I swear, I feel sick to the stomach Im made of lead A fake stupid weight Living a stupid pointless life I just want to get smashed, to forget forever To not have to wake up and see myself To live my life To be me Couldn’t I be someone else???? I wish but that’s not going to happen Ha I hate this stupid fucking life, my stupid fucking self, stupid fucking everything I wish I was dead There is no energy, No point This shit life should be over I will be dead… It would be so easy A bit of random shit and a deeper slice I will do it I swear…………………………………