hey luke if ur still reading this now stop please its none of your business anymore sorry but you can't

im doing this project right, for art.. n i was looking at some blogs.. and i found this one.. and i was so surprised, t sounds almost exactly like me... whoever wrote this.. i wish u luck in life """Is there a point? Is there a point for trying so hard, working so hard, moving foward so quickly? We all try so hard, just to die in the end. All of the experiences, moments, ideas, magnificent creations, disasterous mistakes, are gone when we die. And the people around you will be said, but that's gone when they get over it or die. Is life just neverending cycle of mourning over a death? I'm not saying I want to up and kill myself. But I am tired of trying so hard in a pointless life. I don't want to bring anyone's day down. But I'm really just confused, and tired. I broke my streak and cut myself. Not alot, not very deep. But it wasn't satisfying. I'm worried that I might get lost, and hurt everyone more... I have an art project that was assigned. My theme is going to be teen SI and depression. So I took out some books. I hadn't meant to actually read them, but I did. I don't want to seem fake, but some of the symptoms I recognized from my behavior. Breaking off of friendships, increased sleeping, long periods of low (My longest lasted a month or two), irratibility, thoughts of suicide... I think my mother thinks I'm okay, that I was just going through a few bad stretches in life. I'm afraid I'm losing control, and I don't want to ask for help. I'm afraid she'll think I'm being dramatic, or making everything up. Like she'll think that I read something in a book and started acting like that. When, in truth, I read the symptom list for Major Depressive Disorder, and than I read a sample situation, and then I threw it away from me. I don't want to have a disorder. I miss when I was just happy, when everything was okay. I miss what it felt like to be able to say "This is why I'm living." or "I'm glad I'm alive". I don't want you readers to worry, honest. I'm sure there are more important cases needing your undivided care. I am living now, and I am searching for a reason to continue...""

i lay curled in a ball sobbing i couldnt cry, theyd have heard i couldnt scream, they definatley would have heard so i lay there sobbing in time to the throbbing music and i cut

she is a cunt she hates me and she will be the reason i will die the reason that i cut the reason i am so fucked maybe if she would have hugged me when i was older than 5 its not fair im in this fog, suffocating me, holding me down i cant see my way out and she caused it stupid motherfucking cunt

yesterday i was looking through all our old photos and it made me so.. i can even think ofthe word.. meloncholy???maybe... i sat there and they werent in order at all and i could seee all the bts of my life and my family and it was just so surreal... and what struck me was im only 15 but there are so many people that i used to know who i havent seen for years, my bro was with me and he was just like remeber this?? and this??? but when i asked him who the people were he had no idea, its made me think... how any more of my best friends will i lose in my life time and only remember when i happen to glance at a photo..... like i saw this guy i was best friends with in yr 5 the other day.... its been 6 (!!!!!!) years since iv seeen him... but he has not changes at all... wierd huh???

mmm..... how can i just crash like this??? i was soo happy for my friend and that made me happy... coz he ws so ecstatic..... now like an hour later i just wanna crawl into a hole and die... whats with that??? oh... n i found out, mum wants me to see that psychologist again.. coz apparently im 'too angry' god.. she can talk.. but i rekon its coz shes found out iv started cutting again... maybe im just too paranoid though???

holidays are OVER... i gotta go to school tommorow. they were ok, pretty fine actualy. first week: there was a bit of a borneo reunion, which was coolness and i just saw friends.... second week was WAAAAAYYYYYY better. i was down at good ol' victa :) and i just lazed around for the whole week... and did nothing. mm.. it was fun, chillin with gus n pat... trying to cram us all inro a tiny bed.... dont try it, especially if your the smallest :) oh beware.. short rant: grr...dont you hate it how guys r always better off... like guys can fool round with more people n they just say yeah, hes a bit of a player but girls get called sluts... i went to see the duchess, with kiera knightly... and it was AMAZING... but it was the same for her.... and then i was fooling around with gus abit n then we had to leave n my parents came in i was like just curled up with him in his bed n they were like what has SHE been doing???? GRRRR... i was angry coz its not like im the only person there but anyway.. i can lie with sexism... dont no if i can live with going back to school tho :P nah.. im sure itll b fine.. till like week 4... coz its MAJOR exams this term :(

fuck fuck fuck. it’s so hard there is no way I can spend all two weeks with them. after a day and a half I’m a wreck, I cant help it, she just doesn’t like me and I can never get her approval, take yesterday, I got up n worked my ass off to clan the house and all she said was ‘oh we paid her for this, don’t mess it up boys.’ nothing about thanks at all. what I want to know is WHY??? why does she hate me so fucking much? what did I do? and how do I know she hates me? most people think im just being stupid. BUT exhibit a: I was at a friends place and she came to pick me up, shed seen me for all of a minute, hadn’t talked to me, or acknowledged my presence and I could see her bristling, like a dog with its hackles up and when she did speak her voice went so quiet, dangerously so, the voice she uses before she explodes. and now I have no one to talk to, I can’t keep offloading all my problems to Marcus, it’s just not fair and he’ll get sick of me being all depressed, everyone always does. and jimmy’s in Japan, Hannah n ran really don’t want to know, dot has her own shit… so it looks like im stuck all on my lonesome. HELP? and poor edee, he’s going through the same shit as me, but he has absolutely no one. I found him crying and sat there and held him, Hannah found us and she blocked it our. she thinks he’s fine, that he’ll get over it. no wonder she believed my shit story about my scars, at least his parents love him, and notice he exists. mine prefer the dogs n don’t even pretend to hide it. well, dads ok, but he’ll always side with mum. FUCK… I make myself sick, how can I be so self obsessed? I wish I could get rid of all of me, all traces and start again. Coz they say that the best revenge is to keep on living…..but im so fucking close to quitting...