iv just finished 3 discs of dawsons creek so bear with me for a sec:

My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round
And every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad
Oh bows and arrows stars and sunsets
hey hey hey yeah
hey hey hey yeah
Every heartbeat, every kiss just
Makes me wonder what all this is
Suits of armour Hearts and arrows
Hey hey hey ye-eah!
 

its actually amazing :) im sooooo addicted, i cant be bothered fighting it.

:)

 im actually quite happy.. i earnt money today  and havent done much else and hopefully tommorow night im actually gonna b allowed 2 go 2 gus'

my fingers are crossed so tight i cant get blood to them anymore

yedterday werent so good though..

i got all my exams back:

a for indo :D

d for maths... i actually thought i migt have passed but meh

b for one science

n c for english.. which is silly coz i did reall good in the essay but not to great in the other thing... i dont like averages

then we went to the city n ran n hannah looked at all the expensive clothes they could buy n i watched and tried to work out how to eat n not spend all of the nonexistaent money i have

then i got home.... ad rents were shitty as uasual coz im such an evil bitch according to them and they found out about my exams and got very angry 

evens dawsons creek made me cry :(

it wasnt that it was bad a such.. but more like all the goood stuff made me feel like i wasnt good enough

im better today though and im richer n hopefuly im gonna b partying :)

xxx

it wasnt suppposed to  be a bad day but

im so tired

i went to marcus' movie premeir (which was amazing) but i practically fell asleep

mm.. one particular guy was tehre from the pagent.. but i forgot to get his no...

AGAIN

aduh!!!

last day of school tommorow!!!!

oh my god... yr 11 next year

shit

ill get my exams back too...

 im scared

nothing else happened...

yeas it did.. i FINALLY sawdot.. n i got working headphones now!!!

xx

so im talking to luke right?

i dont get this convo.. does anyone else?

hes in bold....

 just thought id let u no..
im not gonna send u a pic
why do u need one???
uv got sum already

plus
u dont need to no what me n jimmi were doing
K???
none of ur beeswax

i just wanted one :'(
 
you know that just makes you look even more sus than you do now....
 

i no u "just wanted one'
and if ur such a great friend ud know how insecure i am about my body n who i am
and ud realise it wouldnt b a good i dea to keep onasking

as for me n jimmi
dude
he is just a friend and u have no right to keep on at me
your sounding very possesive
and
how can u be possessive of somthing you don't have????

 first of all, dont flatter yourself hun, i dont want you
second of all, if you were so insecure about your body, you wouldnt have sent me one in the fist place

 never said u wanted me
u wanted a picture
god.. id be very surprised if anyone evr wanted me

because
then i was being slightly anorexic n i actaully did excersie
and i felt like shit n i wanted sumone to be nice to me

   so you only talk to me to feel better about yourself? wouldnt surprise me

 no...
i talk to u coz ur my friend

i sent u that photo coz i was feelig crap n i needed proof that there was at least one person
on this planet who thought i existed..
and that i wasnt a fucked up monster

 "and if ur such a great friend ud know how insecure i am about my body"
 
"i talk to u coz ur my friend"
 
your not insecure about your body because you dont have to be, your beautyful and stunning, get over it, and if  u think differant, shut the fuck up

 well
i do think different
no matter what u or jimmi or anyone says i still hate it
the scars
the cellulite
im  a teenage girl.. and an overly emotional dperessed one at that
its not just the body that i hate either...
its the mind, my existence..
EVRY SINGLE FUCKING THING

fuck you

welll its been a crazy few days

iv finisehd school for the year!!!! just exms now :)

indo tmmorow though wihich is slightly scary :S

mmm... last day of school was so grand, no work and just chillin around, double art, spraying stuff :) and massive class parties

the best food evr: chocolate croiusants with nutella on top :)

then satdy was charlottes 18th

great fun :) getting pissed with 'the bouncers' (gus n crew) and running around belair, dirty dancing, watching 20yr sold hit on my friend and her not noticing( he was dayym hot too) then mum came.. what is it.. if looks coud kill id be dead and decomposed from the look she gave me n pat

jsut coz she never has fun, married the first guy she saw, had kids but no life....

hang on,  i dont want a rant.. 

my life is good atm :) exceptfor ALl the revision im soooo doing :P

and stirling pagent is on friday so funnnnnnn:)

though i promised panky i wont drink, oh well, im gonna c dotti n eliz n marcus :) and sally and try n not see kieran,  not that i dont like him

he just has no personality

mm... maybs ill see declan, i ant seen him in yonks *tear nah its cool buthes quite a nice person u no???

i should go study :p

nah.. im gonan get movies :)

omg.. can't wait for twilight.. like 19 days or summat!!!!!!!!!!!!

 YAYA!!!

peace

xx

so tired

so bored

so sore

so sleepy 

so sad

so scared

i am paralyzed by apathy

i actully cant do anything at the moment

which sucks coz i have exams next week and i have to change all my subjects

but im too blah to do anything, i wish i could sleep though i really can't

wow

life is such a rollercoaster and im soooo confused.. and scared im gonna fall out

• yesterday: i was at home coz i was sick but thenight was craaazy more so from the normalness of my house. but the saddest thing was its that time of the year when al my bros ducklings hatch. i dnt have anything to do with them all year, then they hatch n my whole family puts so much effort into making them survive and last night there was this one that died, we tried soo hard to save it and it died then we had to go out n i came home again and it was on my bed all stiff and it made me so sad. this tiny fragil creature had no chance at life and we didnt even bury it properly.
• iv actually been very happy lately.. simple things are making my day, like chels ringing me up out of the blue n we just talked for aages, i havent seen her since april. also iv watched copius amounts of dawsons creek, which is actually the BEST pick me up :) then this morning i watched high school musical, and im very sad to say... it was GREAT. and i cant wait for hsm3 2 come out :)
• but then theres this guy.. he quite cool but i only like him a bit and he likes me alot more, and hes going 2 ask me out soon (i have sources :P) but ivjust remembered howfun it is to be single, and its almost holidays and holidays and relationships and me really dont go together. im kinda worried that ill say yes just to not break his heart :S.. soo im stuck there too
• and then theres exams and the 6 assignments i have to finish this weekend...plus im sick so i havent been at school, so im more behind :( grrrrrr.....

im very tired....

how are you...

hope ur less confused than me, but that can't be hard :P

xxoo

i stumbled across this when i was cleaning up...i thought i had no idea who i was bt theis is a pretty good explanaton:

My life is the epitome of clutter. It lurks everywhere, in my mind, my room, and in my ears.

In fact, my room is invaded by a mess from my mind. It is filled with mementoes of a recent childhood, a looming future and the ever present now. As usual my room is full of clutter. The floor is the main scape-goat reminding me of a war zone. Clothes like abandoned bodies litter the floor, cd’s like landmines and the mud of carpet occasionally shines through. My floor has become my closet; in my closet my dog is sleeping, curled up on yesterday’s uniform. In the corner, on the one square inch free I sit, ensconced in my current book, oblivious to my surrounds. “Lulu, Lulu, Lulu, Where the hell are you? Its dinnertime!” my mum yells repeatedly, becoming more and more annoyed. Finally she opens the door with a bang and almost trips over me. “Huh?” I glance up. “Was up?”  “This room” Mum sighs in disgust and walks out.

My parents hate it but I revel in the clutter. It is mine, a sign that I exist, that I am not a figment of my own imagination. Call me paranoid if you like but I am petrified of leaving and not making a single mark on anything; friends, families, this earth. Its seems so unfair to me that not everyone has the chance to make their own clutter. Do the homeless on the street feel the same way that I feel in an empty room? That just being there almost classifies as non-existence. On earth there are no truly empty places, no vacuums. There is always filler; graffiti, garbage and even grass so how can it be that neatness is actually a virtue?

My ears are bursting with the sound of my eclectic music collection and the conversations swell around me. Occasionally there is also the wonderful quiet of solitude. The distant blare of the TV disturbs the background. Even in the middle of the night, there is never silence; a dull ringing haunts my ears. I hate the silence that could be there. I need this noise to make me feel like I am not alone in the world. With the distant blare of the TV in background, it’s Oprah, I think, or maybe that dreadfully terrible, but addictive show Laguna Beach. I never thought that I would sink to such all time TV lows.  I lie on the grass in the sun and hear the sounds of a band jamming on the corner. They delight my ears, their bluesy-rootsy folk sound transporting me to a better place, Spain or somewhere like that, sitting in on a siesta and just soaking up the atmosphere. I dream as I’m laying here in the blazing sun, trying to do the homework I forgot to do all week. The guitar that does it, it’s hopeless; I put down my pen and give in to my imagination.

There is a speech disorder I discovered the other day. It’s called cluttering. I think I may be a clutterer. Cluttering is similar to stuttering but the sufferer is unaware of their problem. Instead they carry on, with their rapid speaking rate, erratic rhythm and poor grammar. Random words permeate the sentences. A famous clutterer is Winston Churchill. As Deso Weiss (a clutterer researcher said) about clutterers "Each of these contributors to world history viewed his world holistically, and was not deflected by exaggerated attention to small details. Perhaps then, they excelled because of, rather than in spite of, their [cluttering]." Well, then all hope isn’t lost for me, yet.  To all but the best of friends it sounds like garbage. Where would we be without those people to tell us to slow down, take a breath and sort it all it out?

My mind is full of the unorganised, cluttered thoughts that roam freely there, day and night. Its 11:55 pm on Sunday night and like always I’m lying here awake. Sleep continues to evade me as my music drifts in one in ear and out the other. I daydream, in the dim hope that sleep will find its way to me. Tonight my mind runs to escape. I’m planning a better life than the one I’m stuck in. It all starts with running away; a $13 one-way trip to Melbourne. Then depending on what Victoria holds I might stay there and get a job, or else I’ll hitchhike up to Brisbane and live with my uncle. He would put me up. I could get a job and maybe he would let me do odd jobs at his work, though it’s quite a prestigious law firm. I lie there and my wistful thinking is interrupted by a gnawing voice that nags about the Pythagoras test I’m going to fail tomorrow, the clothes I forgot to wash and above all the sniping voice that whispers to me “You won’t ever get out. You’ll be stuck here forever, you know.” The voice is like a tripped switch and my mind goes blank, left as a tangled web of lyrics, triangles and hope.
 

 

im sick 

i went to school coz i had an oral exam, for indo

which btw i did FANTASTIC in...

apparenlty it was like a B for a yr 12... im a yr 10 :)

happiness coz indos the only subject i put effort into and it kills when it doesnt pay off... but its great when it does

so happynesss!!!!

mm.. sickness, i dunno what iv got

but ino alll my bones ache

ALOT

oprah should be on now

xo