yeah hawthorne heights kinda mood, although cat empire just started playing :D its ironice, to be a creature of the night, but i awlays dread going to bed coz of those few hurs beore sleep where time drags memories you'd rather forget are thrown up on repeat all that negitivity well weekend. was crap, which was to be expected, coz of so much time with the fam on saturday night tho i just walked out :D10;30 on the beach at night, alone in the rain at victor just me n archie (ma dog) we saw a pelican, whcih was really cool :D then i got scared so i rang luke BAD idea. i fucked that up reall bad. why??? iknow he hurts me, but then i still ring him and i gt hurt why am i so weak? whay cant i stay awy from him? i dont even like him.. not one tiny single bit ARGGHHH!!!! anyway good part of the night i met up with danny :D he didnt bring booze or blades, like i needed, but it was still all good :D it felt so fucking natural to be chillin in his car, hooking up, talking :D really i dont evn know him but ya no when it just goes good :D and nothing fuckks up at all??? i miss hi now, so much its worse to see him for just a little bit then no im not gonna c him for like another month i want to just fall aslepp with him, wake up in a messof tangled limbs being sent back to th shrink again i swear theyr on to me :S

pre much thats bout it kayyy i cut last night, too low on ma arm, still above th elbow tho fuck it hurts the skin pulls evry time i move n its gonna b hard 2 hide gonna go cut soon fill in that space between those 2 lots of scars yeah gave his sunnis back found out lians gonna fight him 2morrow fuck i dontwant that it shouldnt happen but anyways luke that cuntlicking, motherfucking son of a whore so i gave him his sunnis back thennn i get a txt from him a little while later can i have ya friends no shes hot FUCKKKKK him but i dont want them fightiingg NO i wsh i could just stop them thats not possible tho, not at all fuckkkkkkk thats alli can think if summat happens to either of them itll be my fault

so latley i havent writtten much um, im depressed, more so than usual, im happy for a minute, then th slightest thing will bring medown th smallest tiniest fucking thing its doesnt go away iv been cutting so much i love it and hate it at the same time i want so many more cuts but i cant, nt in the places i want, not on my arms that wont work, too hard to hide pple they try n help me but its hard i cant accept anything they say that im this beautufil good person bla blah blah but i really dont think that i am and wen they tell me that i feel like theres so muc pressure put on me 2 b that person i just cant finally, parents are away this weekend, im satying at grandaparents,working, seeing dot, stayyin at rans its good to get away cept for the tonne of schoolwork dragging along behind :S its horribel so much work its so hard i want to leave i rekonn in the holidays im gonna jump on a train to melborne mayb with sally get away from it finally start livinn and fucking luke rackked his sunnis th other day kinda by accident but i didnt wanna give em back so he started again more than usual, "il get ya sum if ya send me a pic of u in th sunnis, sunnis n nuthin else' 'i remembered something, another kiss, at the junior school, on the playground?' 'maybs wen ya give th sunnis back we could go out the back oxfam, hook up?' 'you know you want me, deep down, and im here waiting for that day' FUCK hes horrible him and his fucking way with words but how does he not understand that he disgusts me, hes dissalusioned i dotn want him at all that broken record he sings i delet all th texts from him mayb i shld keep em, get a restraining order i dotn want him near me when he starts like that it just makes me feel horrible today b4 piano he said summat and i felt so horrible i almost had a breakdown in ma leson tho sumhow i pulled myself together, n played the best i had for agggess thats good i sposee but fuck i dont want this life at all cuttting in class, not sleeping feelin so terribel so much fuck it

tryin out ma new blade ist so sharp 6 baldes for 2 bucks chaep as chips i love that sting th blood i should get back to doin me indo eh i wanna wriet atm i cant sleep well ispent hours dreaming bout cuttin lats night over and ovre luke started again iv finally learnt 2 ignore it i need ta see daniel

finally worked out what im actracted to DERRO-ness yeah im cool :D cept for elli oh.. jamie ot emo hair now he looks more like a anime hes hot dammit :p oh.. prepared for war... pls. stop reading, i feel lik i cant write whatever anymore coz i no ull read it sorry lian i need someplace for myself

a funny conversation: are you a virgin? yep good!! your too young to have sex *5 minutes later* do ya wanna have sex with me??? he he thanks preparedforwar still pleasantly surprised when ppl read this but how dya no i had purple hair.. which it isnt no more :( its like black with kinda purplsh shit :D mm.. went bowling last night was fun :D :D with andrew, germany n dot i wanna cut my arms again uno how wen ppl lose limbs they still can feel them phantom legs or summat??? i can feel the blade on my arms i had just done my art.. 3 more words to do and i felt st johns fucking grammar wrong now i gotta do it again and a semesters worth of indo in 5 weeks then exams its too hard these days just ta get up off ma ass to do anything fuckkk itttt

i was working today looking after soph and raffy i was so happy i looked up and saw my reflection in th mirror, holding raffy, playing with sophia it felt perfect thats what i want in life i rekon i know im too young though last post for today, i promise

iv been thinking about what i want and i think that is: to not be at school anymore to have someone to hold me, pref elli or pat to have someone to pull me through to escape the same old story over and over again hey.. and nothing changes

the easiest place to start: music at the moment, well its been: billy talent, alkaline trio, against me, mcr, ra, a little bit of aanything that ya can dirty dance too i saw fast n furious yesterday.. great movie.. awesome soundtrack... and the cars.. and the women WOW!!!! now the complicated stuff..ish ellis got a boyfriend.. i found out the day i was gonna ask her out im still sad about that, shes so beautiful, so lovely, i just wanna be with her, hold her kiss her maybe ill just tell her i like her... i dunno oh.. im 16!!! so far 15 is so much better anyway... birthday it was ok..best part, spending most of the night with pat, cuddling on the couch its nice being held and weve got that thing :D the dirty dancing, physical thing argghhh!!! i miss being with someone, anyway.. when i got home i got yelled at for being a tease, ima gonna break his heart.. u slut, letting him touch you etc etc etc.. same old shit over and over then i started thinkin bout it.. theyr probs right i went to this party, met this guy, wiithin minutes i was sitting on his lap, invitng him to grope me i was sober I FUCKING HATE MYSELF then.. remember that daniel guy.. from victor well.. i gave him ma no the othr night( not sure that was th smartest idea :S :S) anyway the story is.. apparently hes liked me since he first saw me, he kinda loves me, he hopes we end up goin out.. n oh.. would i maybs drop out, get a job down there.. n go n live with him its tempting, so so fucking tempting.. but i dont really no him at all.. suer i no his name, hes 17, what sorta car he got.. that hes gonna get his lip n nipple pierced is that enuff tho?? arggh!!! what i do??? help would really be appreciated

by dresden dolls great song christende thenew blade took a couple weeks it hurts unllike othres but everythigns theres the smell of the metalt the sshaking the excitement the blood red lines