Stephs birthday today. Shes 17. Im still feeling shitty. I unno why. Just is. There was summat that barney has on his phone. I think its bout me. It seemed like it. :s I don’t wanna know, well I do. Things are easier to cope with if you know. Hahaha luke was professing his love for me today, I totally blanked him. Walked past, didn’t stop talking, didn’t even acknowledge that I heard him. YES!! One small victory to lulu. I feel pretty loved. Iv had many a text today, but no credit to reply. Oh well. I don’t like this feeling. I can tell this cycles started again.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck them. Stupid stupid stupid people. If you didn’t want kids, if u thought youd get so bitter and twisted, you should used a fucking condom. She is so fucking bitter, I can hear her fucking verbal diareahhoa. I don’t understand, if she wants out so much, why doesn’t she fucking do something. Although, I suppose there I cant talk. The walls in this house are too thin. I can hear everything. Not that they ever have sex, but I can hear them talking, bitching until late, late at night. So its Sunday nignt. Another weekend wasted. Friday night, at home, Saturday, could have gone to germany’s, maybe hooked up with ell. But iwasnt allowed. Now im never gonna c germanny again, he goes back on Tuesday. CUNTS. Today was ok. I watched many a episode of scrubs, I started watching bra boys, got a cool(well horrible, brown n orange stripe) armchair off the side of the road, n went bowling for stephs birthday. It was ok but they got pissedat me, then th world in general, n they take it out on me. Just coz I NEED to see ppl or I cant cope. I better go see this fucking guy soon. I cant go out this fri, coz were goin down ta victor. Which means I cld see danny, but I don’t know how id get out, and hes sick, I don’t really wanna get sick. I unno. I want to tell them bout him. Im sick of sneaking around, having to lie. To pretend that I’m single, in case they find out. I wanna get smashed. As usual. Untitled, by yellowcard is a nice song, soothing, like that kiss the rain song, by yiruma. I don’t usually like instrumentals but theyr so nice, calm the savage beast.lol Dad, he calls me lolol. Evrytime he does I break a little inside, because I know that hes not a entrly bad person. He just got stuck with some bitch. Some day, a while ago, I had a massive fight with mum, and he came in to my room to turn out the light, on his way out he just turned and said I love you. It killed me. They never say that. I mean, the other day I went to just put my arm around mum and she fucking pushed me away. Though lucas can sit there cryin and she’ll hug him. I can crying my fucking heart out and they do nothing except try and psyco-analyse me. Haha I went to buy blades yesterday. They were all rusted, the ones that the cheap shops :s that kinda put me off. I didn’t get any, I ran outta money anyway.i need new ones though. I haven’t been cutting as much. Ellie thinks im getting better. It feels so amazing to have someone whos willing to help, who knows your not the evil person youre portrayed as. That you can get better and that you actually FUCKING TRY to make it happen.

23/7/09 Oh shit. I’m pretty sure that I just caught wellie trying to cut himself. Well he was scraping the skin off his leg, but there were cuts, he’d tried, luckily the scissors were blunt and it didn’t break the skin. Shit. He can’t. Why? Parents better not find out. I’ll get killed. I feel so responsible. It’ll be my fault, i'm thinking, where would he get the idea from otherwise? He knows I cut. He’s seen my scars and healing cuts. Dear God, please, don’t let him. Please, I’ll do anything. I haven’t written for a while, I can’t really remember what’s happened. Ben’s given me his old laptop, which means I can now write in peace, and upload stuff later. Victor was fun, but its time has passed. I can tell you though; me and steph went down with some goals: to get wasted, to get guys, to have an adventure. Instead we: • Slept in a tent through zero degree nights • Snuck out late to find the allure of skate parks and train tracks under the moonlight • DNMed. Of hopes, dreams, crappy times • Ate lollies, lollies, brandy to get us through the night, and ate more lollies • Saw Hannah Montana • Steph got a white handbag and a sprinkle donut, I got a party dress and thigh-hi lace stockings • We got hit on by complete dickheads, while on a quest for my missing converse. Pity they were such dickheads, they were so hot. Skaters :D • Got scared, shityourpants paranoia • Vandalized a kid’s playground, coz were that cool • && more Coz yeah were hardcore, then we went back to our stifled lives, byuod by quickly fading memories. Somewhere along the line I saw bruno, and hated it. After at hannahs though made up forit. We watched episode, after episode of skins(3rd season) ate plenty of shit, talked a lotta shit, went for a massive walk etc etc. In skins theres this girl, Emily, shes amazingly hot, and has EXACTLY the same hair as Ellie. Theres this bit where shes hooking up with Naomi. She reminds me so much of Ellie. I want her, so much, to kiss a trail down her neck, her breasts, her stomach. She told me she loved me the other day. It made me so happy. But she doesn’t know ilike her, so at the same time it doesn’t mean anything. She’s still not over batters I don’t think. But im still with Danny, see I still like him too, maybs not as much, but I defiantly wanna fuck him. Haven’t seenhim in like 3 weeks. He shaved his head :s I need $$$$. I want peircings, ears, nipple, nose, tongue. In that order  They found out about me cutting. Not much has happened. I gotta go to some other shrink. Im not gonna lie this time. I want ta get the depression over, I don’t care bout cutting. Im sick of always wanting to die. LATERRR I think wellie’s ok. He seems happier, and I haven’t seen any more scratches or anything. Schools back. Boring as ever, feels like I never left. Luke’s BOs got worse,if that’s possible and schools dug up the oval. Goulde’s back though YAY! I missed him so much. I found these two amazing songs, skinhead moonstomp and rum to whiskey, im a lil bit in awe, theyr that good. Wednesday, I think it was, we went on a art excursion YAY  the two exhibitions we went to were the best iv been to in a long time, fantasia and colliding worlds they were called. Fantasia was all this amzing digital stuff based on photography, one artsist did these amazing photos of famous women, Cleopatra, Marie Antionette etc, and photoshopped all the detail onto them. The other exhibition, colliding worlds was insane. Some of the stuff was kinda ‘normal’, a massive glass sculpture hanging from the ceiling, some oil paintings. But there were these two pieces that just tripped me out, a film, and a series of sculptures.

fuck it. i was going to write all about victor. so i remember later, when the shit hits the fan. but i just cannot be bothered. later later. alligator.

pre much.

dot. has got a new obsession. justins his name. can't day i agree. i met him last nigth at marcos. hes... strange. not her type at all. i dont think. plus. hes only into fucking. she wants lurrrvvvveee. were gonnna be picking up the pieces soon (n).

*i hang my head in shame.. but ehhh avrils ok. billy talent just started. so i am absolved. in my own eyes at least. i don't know if i can be bothered writing about whats going through my head. its too much. however. i can tell you the port im drinking for breakfast is wonderful :D and its a lovely sunny day outside. and stephs coming down to stay at victor for a couple of days (Y) i think. imjust gonna write a list. -donny died last night. my siamesefighting fish. i sorta suspected he would. he looked pretty sick. -danny. i dunno if i like him anymore. theres just not anythign there. he really wants to sleep with me. im not real fussed. BUT i dont really think i want to lose my virginity in the backseat of his car. i dunno. ill guess i see what happens. mm, he shaved his head :S -ellie. i saw her last night at marcos party. i like her again. i think. shes so beautiful. and so fucking nice. i want her. to hold. to kiss. to wrap myself around. -cutting.i need new blades. yesterday i bought a first aid kit. guaze, band aids, tape, disenfectant. so im all set.howver. if anyone goes through my bag. im fucked. i was cutting last night. but not deep enough. i want flowing blood, RAEL gaping cuts etc etc. -eh. last thing. i just feel BAD. you know 'that deathly sinking feeling when just a touch of human hands will bring you down"?? and on that note. sayonara. im gonna go listen to concrete boots. imstead of the fumes or whatever thats playing now.

Why? There is no fucking point. THURSDAY: Last day of school, was terrible. I forgot my wallet so I didn’t have a blade, had to scab one off a friend. It was so fucking sharp, I accidentally cut too deep, and it bled through everything. I looked down in Indo, my skirt was soaked, and my hands were covered in blood, there was blood all over the table. I kind of freaked out. I had to work after school. I think I kinda went into shock, maybe but the last two lessons of school were horrible, I had a fever, and I thought I was going to faint. Lukily Gus drove me back to his, I don’t think I would have got there otherwise. I duno how I even got through Thursday, it sucked so bad. FRIDAY: First day of the holidays, first day in ages that I’ve been blonde :D. I was dreading having to se the shrink, mainly because it was a shared session with me, mum and her :s. also coz I lied to her the whole time last time . turned out ok, there was kind of no point in me being there, her and mum pretty much just talked, while I did the sullen teenager thing and stared at the clock, counting the minutes. I did find out however, how mum my mother will twist the truth to make things go her way. She’s almost as bad as Luke in that. I had to do some survey again, to see how ‘depressed’ I am. Apparently, only 79% now, compared to 93% last year. BUT I’m a better liar now, and mum was looking over my shoulder when I did it, so of COURSE im gonna write what I feel, not. But I think Sandra convinced mum that I don’t have to go back, pretty much, she said if she’s not gonna talk then there’s no point, its just a waste of money. Score! But that means there’s no chance in hell I’m going to be getting anti-depressants. SATURDAY: Work, Movies, Stayed at Dots. FUN :D SUNDAY: Was a great day, until it got to night. One of those perfect days, winter sun, getting all dressed up, all made up, just because. As the sun was setting I went walking, barefoot in my stockings and took photos of the sunset. But then I started talking to people, started making plans for the holidays; plans to maybe take off for a while. Plans to just fucking live a little, then I had that stupid realisation, that it never happens, that it won’t this time. And I got this massive feeling of hopelessness. So, I cut. But too shallow. They stung like crazy. And it didn’t help. I just gave up, and went to sleep. MONDAY: This morning, nothings really changed. I still feel like shit but listening to Streetlight’s kind of helping. I’m over holidays already. I don’t know how I’ll get through the full three weeks. Oh another thing. Last night someone told me “that they’d give their life to see me truly happy for just a few days.” Well What the FUCK do you say to that? I hate it. For some reason people who like me, always ending up wanting to save me from myself. And half of them are as fucked up as me, they’ll tell me that stuff. I get scared, I cut. They cut. We all cut. We bring each other down.

Swing life away. On repeat. So I cant be bothered deleting all these entries. And even though I hate them, and the way that I write I know its important to keep the past around. Without the past we just keep on making the same mistakes over and over. Not that I can talk. Its almost holidays, im wanting them and dreading them at the same time. I can’t stand the idea of three weeks with family, but the idea of school is almost worse. I’m hoping, that with my change of hair colour (blonde this time), that my life will finally change. That I will get out of this vicious cycle that im trapped in, with my family. Never doing what I want. So this holidays: josh gets back, andys having his 18th, im going to stay with dot for a while, get majorly wrecked, stephs coming down to victor, maybe we’ll go camping, or squatting, hopefully ill hook up with danny again (no idea whats happing there). So many plans. So much I want to do. In reality I know ill sit at home, go to work, be a good girl. I should just leave, move in with someone welse, but I cant. Im too “apathetic in my resentment”. I know we all fuck up. But im not getting anywhere, im making the same old mistakes. Going to luke gain,and again, its bad for me, he just fucks me up, but I can never stay away. I don’t want him, like he thinks, but I dunno.bad habits are hard to break. Im falling into the same patterns again with congedi. Itd be the fourth time its happened. lets not think. Lets not feel. lets just try and find out way through the dark. Maybe we’ll come out mainly together. haven’t cut for about a month, I told myself id stop. But I feel like I need to again. I dunno. Its being a bitch night. Cold, cold, cold, so fucking cold. Torin asked me out, masses of hw two days before holidays, this feeling of emptiness is bringing me down. I need someone to hold onto. But not anyone, someone who I want, who cares. Not anyone will d anymore. Friday im going back to the shrink. I don want to, not too her, anyone else. We didn’t get along at all. It didn’t work. Im kind of dreading it, but so much has changed since I last went, I have no idea whats gonna happen. I cant deal with adults, or emotion. Especially emotion. I just scream, cut, punch things, run away. I hate feeling. I want to be numb. Although every time I see that hole in my wall I feel kind of proud. Is getting me down. All this has the word I in it, too much, I feel so fucking selfish. I love it, how me and you, and all my friends. We’re all so fucked up, and all in pretty much the same way. We egg each other on, drag each other down, down into this endless cycle of destrution.

yep. thats right. you have every reason to worry. im thinking that i need change. big change.delete all my entries. dunno. ill decide later. fuck it. its holidays soon. i need to get wrecked. goodbye. spooks is on in a minute. >.