I'm at someone else's house in north carolina so i feel kind of odd about typing my soul into our cousins computer i'm alone in the room, but there's no sense of privacy not like you get in your own house with the door closed, where you can get lost in your own little world i've been thinking alot about tattoos lately, which one i want when i turn 18 in a perfect world with perfect parents, i would get Watch the Sky right on my spine, where i know it would hurt like hell but as i'm apparently going to have to hide it,i'll have to settle for a spot that won't show in a bikini in the car ride to chapel hill today i realized i could get one on my wrist, right under all my bracelets it could be my little secret, and it would still hurt like hell, which for some reason i think is important probably just so i never forget that once upon a time it was worth that much if i ever start to hate it i think the words "we can live like this" wrapping around like a bracelet would be perfect i'm still not sure yet what exactly they mean for me, but it's a line from "holiday from real" and i bet i'll figure it out eventually i'm sorry this was probably really boring and no one cares, but it's as deep as i felt okay with i have alot about matt and real life for later now that i promised, i'll be able to guilt myself into doing it as soon as i get home good, i need that pressure now i'm gonna do a survey thing cuz i haven't done one in a while have a great day -serenity :) Would you change for the person you're in love with? if it was better and not just different, then yes A lyric from the song you're listening to? this room feels small and only getting smaller Have you done something bad today? if 2 in the morning counts as today then yea What makes you happy most of the time? music Do you have any siblings? a sister What did you do last night? drink mojitos and watch american pie Where’s your phone right now? by my side What are you doing tomorrow? visiting a college and seeing matt:) What are your plans for the weekend? well as it is the weekend, we're gonna go with see above Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? night Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? haha yea Are you ashamed of your past? slightly Are you wearing a necklace? yes it's a peace sign Think back to March, were you in a relationship? in march i would have said kind of, but now it's a definite NO Do you know anyone who drinks a lot? yup How is your life lately? amazing it's summer and somebody loves me Could you go out in public, looking like you do now? just did Is your hair naturally curly or straight? wavy. Whens the last time you laughed REALLY hard? can't remember. probably recently. i like laughing Do any of your friends have children? nooo How many people have feelings for you? 2 that i know of Have you ever been cheated on? not really Are you hard to please? nope Are your friends just like you? some of them What are you craving right now? a bathroom but i'm busy damnit! Do you know anyone that smokes? me How are you feeling right now? fine Are you missing anyone/something? matt Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? yes Do you love the last person you called? yes. Could you date someone taller than you? definitely Next time you will kiss someone? probably tomorow Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? haha definitely Did you hold hands with anyone today? nope Do you wear glasses? nope. Are you afraid to answer sexual questions? nope. Are you a couple with the last person you kissed on the lips? yea

all those words i've kept hidden for over a year are flying through cyberspace on their way to matt's email i didn't know what to say, so i left the message blank leave it open to interpretation let him be the judge of just how crazy i am camp was meh so i'm glad to be home too much gymnastics=too many tears i am so overly sensitive when i let myself down especially when they're watching,i just come undone i hate not being good enough i hate being so afraid as i have no gym, i am now officially done wrap it in a pretty brown bag with everything else i used to love i always walk away when i start to care too much it's so much easier than not giving in matt and i talk every night, but we're running out of things to say how many times can the words i miss you still sting? how close can you get to a voice on the telephone? i swear i still love him, but i want to let go i can't keep drifting closer when there's so many miles i refuse to give up my own life just to save part of yours maybe someday, when there's no parents or high school, but right now i have to learn to be alone my eyes are closing cuz it's already morning i need some sleep so i can get through tomorow goodnite

there is a place in my heart where everything shakes give me the meltdown, give me the meaning tell me what constitutes as a purposeful existence what tasks must i complete, mark off my checklist for me to qualify as an Incredible Persom he left last night, with blue eyes dry and black ones swimming i couldn't help it, those little noises at the back of my throat sorry, i said, as i pulled me in closer it's not goodbye, just see you later a cheesy line from the movies i've only heard about, wouldn't bother to waste $10 on is becoming my defining moment fuck those tears, fuck my heartbeats in a matter of time, i'll find a different tune to sing the entity of love is only as strong as the fuel you give it if you lament the loss, really sit down and absorb all the lonliness, then of course there will be days where the world feels like a day dream but if you just decide that he is gone with the tears, say to yourself, i am stronger than this feeling, the next day you can smile so bright your headache hurts and keep everyone guessing he asked about the entries i promised to give him, but i just couldn't do it i'm not sure if i want him to know how much i hurt and break and rend and bend even if i don't like pretending, ordinariness is easier to leave behind it's never the stupid quotes that get stuck in your head like "a stictch in time" or "early to rise" but the ones that you make up, when you're on the edge of sleep or the ones that he whispered when he thought you weren't listening if he sees this, i'm not scared he won't love me i'm scared he'll change his definition so that he will feel responsible for the damage, and i don't think i can lie and tell him it isn't all his fault i'm leaving for camp for two weeks, no drugs and cigarettes, just good clean fun practice for making friends practice for fitting seemless i think i'm done now because my hands are feeling shaky i wouldn't want them to betray me, type what i really mean because then i'd just have to miss you all over again

people screaming, jumping, sweating, pulsing the crowd all round, no room to move, no room to breathe my lungs were all filled with cigaretttes, my head was spinning and falling towards the floor i thought about what it would be like to drop in that crowd, if people would stop to care, or if they'd just keep on dancing right over your face i love that feeling of mixing sweat, of catching lyrics in my ear i wish i held onto more inside my head, just swaying feels lonely when everyone else knows all the words i want to be a super fan, screaming fuck me charlie scene, you guys are fucking awesome but that would be pretentious so i just blended instead I went with all the druggies and i fit right in i smoked like 7 cigarettes, one right after the other i kept thinking how matt would kill me if he knew, but there's no way that he will that night, i was harper threshold, tearing down the city everything at home seemed like a fucking joke i hate how reality always has to set back in I've officially decided that matt can go back to virginia without me on his mind i don't want that tie, that far off connection, pulling me out of the fucked up cuz i could use a little break love doesn't mean shit from that many miles, especially because sex is a huge part of our teenage definition everytime i see him, the way that he pushes, how badly he wants it makes me hate him just a little more it's how i've come this far, breaking down my dillusions i know now that he is replaceable,just like me i'm so sick of forgettin i am only a toy the concept that being used atleast means i'm useful is really starting to loose it's meaning

i hate the sound of my own voice screaming stupid words, everything, louder i'm sorry, so sorry, it's not really my fault i'm fucked in the head, i'm sick in the mind i can't be held responsible for my actions until they started yelleing, tonight was amazing we sung on a picnic table, wished on stars in the sky i'd tell you my wish but htne it can;t come true i'd tell you the truth but then i'd turn into a flame this ache to be loved digs deeper through my toes i cling to the ground but it's not enough he is leaving no matter which way i slice it i still see the pretty colors of sunset red blood maybe tomorow, we can go running hey remember when...? he tries not to, but i wish that he does i want him to see the ways that he made me i want him to cry for every tear that i've bled when he goes, i don't know what will happen to me i define myself mostly as his other half today, when the walls felt so dull in my bed, i missed him so hard i felt him break inside of me "listen to you, you're really losing it" yea i know she swears she's insane but the pain in her veins slips away i wish i was crazy enough to have hallucinations imaginary friends, to keep me company take me to antarctica mr. lies i want to see the hole in the fucking ozone layer

i feel so unstable and shaky i don't even know how i'm still conscious i drove like that, hands gripping the wheel, shivers jolting through me thinking about seeing him again it was raining, thunder and black clouds, a little piece of orange sky I got in his car and he didn;t laugh when i told him i talked 80 miles a minute about life and chris and writing and he nodded just like old times It felt less weird than it should have we both remembered how we were i forgot how much i missed him i forgot how much i still do he let me hug him goodbye and i almost exploded he is so ingrained in my past, in my present that i can't let go i didn't believe him when he said he was indifferent I didn;t believe him when he said he forgave me I want him to be angry so there's somthing to fix That way, i'll know just what to do I was always so good at mending the broken i want to call him but it's too much the night is done, i'll let it slide slide away into new memories and lyrics drift off into cursive on paper because that's all it ever was before he goes i'm going to show him my song i don't want to be there, but i want him to know i think it's important i get it off my mind I don't want to be the sole guardian of my insanity loving and missing someone right next to you is the strangest of feelings i'm listening to dave and it's making me smile, but tomorow it might just make me cry i told him that too, but i couldn't tell him everything it felt too vulnerable, that trapped air in the car windows rolled up to fight off the rain wouldn't fight off my secrets p.s. i still care p.s. i still love you i have time and that makes it safer the structure we balance on is ever so delicate i can feel the scars and bumps and bruises once they fade, it will be okay to make new ones all on purpose so i won't feel ashamed I am well aware that what i'mm putting myself through is crazy I am well aware there may or may not be lasting consequences but i am also aware that i have a chance at a change and i can't let that go so easily

when you ask me why i've changed, i lie and tell you because i like it the blue hair and the television the texting and the myspace but really it's because when i morph into a shallow representation of everything i can't stand it just means i don;t have to face me it turns into this magnificent round of questions, vicious cycle of why why whys why do i hate everyone? because i hate myself why do i hate myself? because i'm not good enough for truth in cliche why are you not good enough? because i can't stick to the plan why can't you stick to the plan? because i get distracted by everyone else But when i'm distracted, i don't feel unhappy I feel normal, like i'm told i should there is no depression and anger there is no tears and insanity but on days like today, when i'm forced to be alone i start thinking all these fucked up thoughts and i feel so lost and unloveable so then i trace it back, try to find the last time i felt sure and i see matt's face in the crossroads everytime i have to freeze, remind myself that it can't happen again but then the whys, they keep attacking why can't it happen? because wanting an abusive relationship is sick Why is that sick? because love is not meant to be so painful why is pain not love? because the cliches say it isn't Why aren't you over the cliches? because i still live in this world I have this disgusting need to talk to him, but i don't know what to say actually, that's a lie I know exactly what to say I want to tell him I still love him I want to appologize for being ordinary I want to ask him what it was he saw in me that made him expect more and why i haven't met anyone else who sees it too I'm so scared of him laughing I'm so scared I'm out of his head it's another of those one sided situations no matter how much i care, there's still a big chance i could just be a joke I wrote a song about him I wrote one about chris too i still mean that one i still mean this one I'm so confused and torn and undecided If i could have one wish right now i would wish matt magically back into my life just for the summer just until he leaves for college and i'll never see him again just long enough to see if he remembers who i used to be

There is blue in my air There is smoke in my lungs There is booze in my tomorow And i feel nothing like me it is beautiful, having no meaning hours on myspace talking to strangers hours on the couch watching the television Every other minute i spend either drug studying or texting Constant connection means no time for thinking shallowness is somehow deep enough to get lost in plastic everything, eyeliner pupils Blasting beats, dreaming in color there is no wasting time when you accept your own irrelelvance it's all about the sparkle, fluff and fillers If you don;t want to cry, escape from the real We're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are

I think it's hilarious that on google you can search for the meaning of life type in "how to" and just see what pops up How to be happy How to feel beautiful How to be the girl everyone's watching It's so great because all these little step by step manuals make everything seem so easy step 1. relax step 2. smile step 3. take the good with the bad When they give it all numbers, it's so common sense All the stumbling blocks just melt away You get cocky and start planning for tomorow You tell yourself you'll wake up and truly feel beautiful You believe it all because you need to Otherwise you'll have nothing to get up for And then you'll have to stop feeling I want to be scene because it's nothing like me Just another how to guide Spending hours on youtube for hair and makeup A daily costume that takes hours to apply I created a myspace with a beautiful name HarperThreshold, like angels in America I hope nobody understands it I want to leave them guessing I went out today with the layers and colors It felt like living someone else's life Everyone staring for all the wrong reasons Confidence radiating around my aura S and I are having a photo shoot on thursday Think shades and tutus, eyeshadow and bikinis Sexy, Nexy, Fabbity Fab It's something to do in this boring ass town Re-invent yourself into someone bizarre See how far you can get from the prototype Decipher the true definition of glamorous I want to BE Zui Suicide with the stick thin frame I want to stand up for myself, be loud and unavoidable I'm so sick of pretending to like loitering in McDonalds I'm so sick of pretending to like half my "friends" I refuse to play along, to laugh at the unamusing I want to focus all my energy into HarperThreshold, into losing the weakness I need lust and fire and passion and contact No one ever said I had to have all these rules Losing control can be my safety Then, if I mess everything up They'll have to know it's not my fault

My life is a joke so I'm gonna keep laughing Every failure, every fuck up, is seen from a rocketship it's someone else who will clean up the mess this time I'm too busy gravitating toward the brightest star I never write in here anymore because i like it better when I'm not really feeling When I write, i have to face me I have to sit here and digest all the reasons why i feel so small instead of dancing as fast as i can on reality tv and caffine pills I died my hair blacker and everyone loves it I hate it, I think, but I'm not really sure Because by I, I could mean any of the thousand million eople I've ever pretended to be And right now I'm finding the balance The girl in the mirror looks like no one I know She wears too much makeup and too many colors But somehow I can see a stregnth behind her eyes ow ow ow this is digging too deep see what you made me do, journal? For a second there I remembered to feel my world falling apart