I'm so fucking done with this shit every single day is like a freaking roller coaster except for I can't even see where the next turn is heading and i"m not quite sure just how fast i'll fall love is supposed to be security this is a fucking joke with you, i never know one minute we're fine, we're totally great you come find me at lunch, we go and hang out in the hall you even kiss me goodbye and then literally seconds later it's like bam brick through the window how'd the hell'd we wind up like this? you're on the phone screaming so i try again and then you don't answer so please do tell How the hell am i supposed to fix it when you won't even let me try? But because I'm me i'd even be okay with that if there were anything to fix But there isn't you make fights out of everything i think you like putting me down just to see how many times you can before i just stay on the ground god, this is ridiculous GET OVER IT don't sweat the small stuff cuz you know one day i might just roally fuck up for real and i'll just laugh when you start bitching in my face God, you had me fooled for so long i'm finally realizing your so not worth it

tonight i cried for you my words on a page became bured by the wetness and i dreamed it was you caressing my cheeks remember when you said you loved me? and i used to believe you? the way i'd wake up feeling trhough all those walls and miles just how much you missed me it's only been months but it feels like years hundreds and thousands of them that girl? she doesn't even seem like me But it's not me that changed just the way you percieve me What do you see when you look at me now? am i still beautiful? right now i want to call you more than anything in the world i want to cry and cry and for you to just promise everything's alright if if you can't but i've never cried in front of you i'm scared you'll think i'm weak i'm scared you'll push me away mostly, i think, i'm scared you'll disappear the way you retreat away inside yourself you know my life story all those yers of hurt i kept secret you somehow made it okay but when i turn it around i realize i have only pieces of you little tidbits i'd say were probably unintentional except for the fact that you are you so i know they were meant to be gifts but really, it's not enough this is getting ridiculous i can take so much more then you give me credit for you'lll never get to read this poem but it's nice for me to have it's a document it's tangible i'm creating a new reality because tomorrow we will talk i won't get upset i'm not going to cry but someow i'm going to make you see i'm even better than everything you ever wanted so then you can stop treating me like shit and realiz how I'm the best thing that ever happened to YOU and not just the other way around

"Hold me, hold me," "If I were to..." "I can't, can't; I swear I can't let you," "It's all in your hands, so I'll do what I can So you can do what you have to." i don't know why, but it's been stuck in my head all day. Still can't figure out what it means exactly...but ut's comforting right now. I think i just wish someone was there to hold me hold me. But no one is. We haven't talked in days. i guess I'm not even worth a text. And I hate so much how I'm thinking about him even when I swear I'm not. God these tears...I think they're erroding me. Maybe eventually my face will just become blank white. No eyes, no nose, no mouth. Just...flesh. Then no one will ever try to hurt me again. It will just be too obvious how unfeeling I can be.

But I’m alright, alright, I feel alright I never been better in my life You know the score I’m just fine, I’m fine, feeling fine A regular sawed off valentine That nothing more if you tell it yourself enough, eventually you start to believe it....

He treats me like shit. I am a piece of gum on the bottom of his shoe. An obnoxious kid he has to be nice to. Except Im his FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. And everytime I talk to him, i can tell he just wants me to go away. i know he's getting annoyed wen we're texting and i get the one word answers. But i can't just stop. He supposedly loves me. What the hell am i missing??? I don't get it. I don't know what he wants. one week he calls me everyday. The next it's an effort to even get a head nod. So i take a step back, say i must be doing something. But I'm not. There's absolutely nothing. I've truly just run out of reasons. why am i still with him?

Hey all. This one's gonna be a ride so just hold on tight. I've got a million words pressing at my finger tips. I haven't been on here in a while. I've got a bunch of things stored up to get off my chest. But don't panic, there simply is no need. Well first things first:I am officially gone. I no longer have a life, a mind of my own. i traded it in for some good grades and some smeblance of love. So who got the better end of the deal? Still not sure. I've basically given up sleep. Got 5 hours last night between studying and gymnastics. Everything is gogogogogo. I build up the momentum and just keep pushing. if I move fast enough, there's no time to feel. And I don't let myself hate it, won't cry out in pain. I pretend instead I'm a million miles away. Oh no, that girl? No, that's not me. It's only a reflection. Or atleast it was the last time I checked.... I schedule out every moment. i have to. Time is a valuable thing. X hours on homework=x grades=X parental satisfaction. Every second i'm working that equation around in my head, looking for something I've missed. But it turns out I'm out of shortcuts. It's the long road from here on out. I've got no time for T.V., no time for writing, no time for sleep. Only time to disappear. Oh alll the time in the world I'm getting better everyday. Sometimes I do it without even thinking. I move through motions as fluidly as a figure skater. I am in my element. I'm getting skinner too, wasting away. I've given up on beautiful. Now I guess different's all I've got left to go for.Not that anyone seems to see me anyway... Somehow I've got less friends than enemies. Most are undeserved, but still. It hurts to be hated. Sometimes when i least expect it, the unfairness of it all will just explode inside of me. It weighs a ton. Most times I end up sobbing on my knees. I want it to go away. But there's no words left to say. My friends are great, but we're all lost in our own ways. no one's ever completely honest. But we still have something that brands us together as whoever they deem us to be. That's gotta count for something. And my boyfriend...welll that's another story. Sometimes we won't talk for days. He's always mad. He fights shy of almost everything. He can only seem to see the bad in people, which hurts. He won't let me in, and somehow I can't remember if he ever did. he tells me he loves me so much but then he treats me like shit. So when we're apart (which is normally) i just detatch, pretend I don't care. But when he's got his arms around me, I can't help but feel safe. It's something we've got there. Chemistry I guess. but it's more than that. I just...fit. I don't know how else to describe it. I think he feels it too, which is why he keeps his distance. I'm not the only one thinking ahead. We both know how much hope hurts in the end. So tomorrow I don't know what I'll do. Homework for hours. Maybe someone will call and whisk me away to a dessert island where the wind is warm and the sand flickers aimlessly around. God that would be nice. I need to get out of this CT cold. It's so hard to breathe when your bones are breaking, your hands are shaking. It hurts to grow up... I hope I pulll through

okay so i completely love the song meanings people. Wanna know y? Sure ya do! well yesterday i was looking up some lyrics to a bunch of songs i just added and suddenly something horrible happened! there was no lyrics by the mission district! after spending like 1/2 an hr looking for lyrics on other sites to no avail, i finally just used the little add artist app on songmeanings! and the songmeanings ppl actually added it! yay! except there is one small problem...i can't find their lyrics anywhere on the net! :( This is very sad b/c mission district is actually a pretty good band...they're from canada and they sound alot like the killers meets all time low...aka sort of punk/indie popish. So if anyone randomly knows lyrics to any of their songs please please add them! and if not, give them a listen ob their myspace page...they're pretty great! Thanx! Plus i just found out u can download their songs for free on fb which just made my life!!!!!!! Serenity

I'm on the verge of something can't quite place it it's not a new beginning not quite an ending a new climax i guess a turning point with its own problems and inevitable solutions its true if you think about it nothing lasts for ever so even the bad has to back down sometime that's what i tell myself to keep from screaming so apparently we're good again I don't know what the deal is but im getting used to the drill we fight, i appoligize he builds, i loose ground i let him take me over as if it even mattered And now somehow we're standing we've surivived the storm but it's all i can do not to brace for another already, i'm getting lost in his embrace when he holds me, i'm safe loved for a moment it's like a little pocket of air and for a second i can breathe again i don't know what i want from this I'm terrified of loving him but im so scared of losing him too "loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making" okay, ill buy it But i refuse to get hurt i am strong enough to live without him that's a promise i'm making, right here, right now i will not be my own worst enemy

so we missed the bus! wahoo! Now mom'g got to drive me and my sister to school. I'm kinda glad, in a aselfish sort of way. The bus blows. There's too many ppl. My sister makes me sit on like the very very edge of the seat, halfway in the aisle. Kids screaming about drugs and what not. It's too early for that. So yay no bus! I'm gonna try to be better this week. Like actually do my homework and stuff. It just makes everything so much easier. I get to avoid the fighting. And i guess it's not that big of a deal. Whats an extra hr or 2. Every night. Instead of watching that's amore. But watevsies (as my awesome canadian friend would say). I'll deal. Did you know in most parts of canadia they don't actually say aboot for about? But they do say washroom for bathroom which is kind of weird lol. Ahh i miss all my europe cruise friends. It's very sad that in all likelyhood i'll never see them again :( oh well. I'll live welll i think i gotta go 2 school now. Have a good day! ttfn!

I don't know why, but somehow I'm invisible try as i might i can't pinpoint the exact moment, the time frame, in which i became this way it seems like a thousand years, but i know that is impossible I've only lived 16 so why do i feel 103? It's the weight of it all i suppose for unlike most, i do not hem and haw over burdens i bare them blatantly on my back, laughing bitterly with each step I have given up on fighting do not start a war unless you are 100% confident of winning they scream at me, for the good grades, for the right attitude i sacrifice it all, throw myself away i hear her yell and she is heard so why for me does it not have the same affect? every action i take is so pathetic, just as influencial as a hope or dream my words, they leave no mark they float simply to pieces tattered and torn weary and worn and once again i find that tiny piece of myself just drifting away