wow another open for marketing shocking. i haven't had this class all week lol even the teachers are feeling summer god this is soooo over with i hate how we just have to keep on waking up early moving through the motions while not actually acomplishing anything its just so...unecesary ah watever only 8 more days after this! then i can spend as much time as i want on writing, music and gymnastics brilliant! so anyway, life's pretty good nothing too much to complain about really i hate self pity lol oh but on a happy note purevolume.com is AMAZING! last night i downloaded making april's new album completely for free and its not even illegal! In case you've never heard of making april, theyre pretty good kind of chill, like not for metal fans, but good for relaxing to the lyrics are really really well written so yea if ur bored enough to be reading this, go check that out im sure its more exciting than my lame journal lol well i guess ill go look up songs ive got the not bfs ipod 2day tho so ew its like all dmb and this random white rapper dude named sun zoo who like IS eminem reincarnated except for not as witty god knows y he likes that and thinks bedlight is terrible but watevs layta!

open my window open all the doors ahh freedom it tastes like summer rain the air whispers secrets chants for my ears alone and suddenly, suddenly I'm almost okay i listen to music for hours on end i never get bored its never enough i crave it worse than anything else its not like a drug i don't use it to function i use it simply to escape oh never again, never again i went over his house yesterday we didn't exactly do much talking mostly, when it was over, we just laid there silently his hand held mine touched my arm, my knee, drawing lines on my neck but strangely, it felt less like a comfort and more like a vise with his head on mind, it felt so heavy like i didn't want a forever and in that moment i remember thinking how for once i wouldn't mind that in a year from now none of this would be the same everything changes, clockwork like seasons its foolish to expect anything less I've been there before but not like this lyrics, lyrics, lyrics I'm not making any sense they're just streaming through my mind a rotation i can't turn off even when i sleep, i'm still singing its hard but it makes it so easy I know every word to every song i drink it in gracefully, don't let the drops spill someday i too will create the power instead of just absorbing i'll learn the chords, the melodies, the flow of the shadows i've already got all the words I'm not sure what else to say its almost summer but im so afraid that when we all come back will anyone remember me? serenity

OMFG I love bedlight for blue eyes. That concert was so amazing! Like seriously, best night of my life. There were like 13 unknown random bands playing in a bingo hall for 100 or so punk rock teenagers. For like 7 hours. absolute heaven! I found so many new awesome bands. Some call me the poet is really good and so is american diary. Anyone reading this should go check out their myspaces. It's quite a talented bunch lol. My friends and i made like best friends forever wit the guy from AD so it was pretty sweet. good times good times. But now for the best part...BEDLIGHT. Like omg. i thought they were awesome just listening to the CD. Clearly i didnt even know what awesome meant! I was absolutely floored by how much they rocked. My friends and i were in the front row, like literally a foot away from danny, the mad hott lead singer. It was so great! he was like getting all up in our faces and rocking out with everyone! he even like grabed my hand and sang to me when he played city and the ghost cuz my friend and i were the ones to request it! Ahh! Swear to god, new life goal to bang him lollll. But anyway, we've decided we're going to stalk them and follow them around on tour forever so that even when they're famous and what not we can still get front row seats. The next show we can possibly go 2 is in MA and not for another month, but im already pumped. i know, I know, Im a total groupie wanna be but seriously they're so worth it. people need to get on here and comment on the songs...its great stuff!

so double open this peroid. yay. tooo bad its the worst open in the history of the world. There is no one and I mean NO ONEin the cafeteria. well except for J. But our convo was kind of like oh hey yea this open does suck bye. so yea. thats y im in the computer lab. eating a cinnamon toast crunch bar under the table. joy. i've never felt so empathetic for those kids hu have no friends and hav to go eat lunch in the bathroom. I have no idea what i'm going to do with myself for the next hr and 15 minutes. Mess around on here i guess lol. Nothing else has happened since yesterday. I'm still kind of sick, but my voice is comming back. which is definitely good. I think ill go look up songs now. byee

hm eventful day 2day what to say what to say it should have been easy i stayed home sick from school my mom tried to guilt me into giung ofcourse but i didn't feel too bad cuz i was actually sick as in i have absolutely no voice nor can i breathe out my nose but ah whatever i think ill live anyway, i spent most of the day just watching t.v. a few friends texted to ask where i was i guess its nice that someone cares... the most interesting show i watched was House season finale LIKE OMG freaking amazing it was so moving and deep i actually cried i know im a baby, none of its real, but still... it sends a nice message very inspirational Im already excited for next season. After that i felt like writing so i wrote the 1st pg of a new book i know, i know i probably shouldnt start a new "journey" so to speak without finishing my old starts and i shouldn't leave loose ends unraveled but i find that the more i have written the harder it is to keep going maybe its because the deeper i go under the closer i hit to home and it just hurts so much i have to stop later on i talked to matt. wow. intense shit there, dude. basically he swears he's had an opiffiny and he's realizing how badly he treated me. well yea. duh. But even though that's nice and all, its really hard for me to believe him. I mean, even though i was trying so hard to be made fo stone, he still managed to hurt me. That lost alot of my trust. What if i go back to him and things are just the same as before? Or what if they even get worse? I told him as of now he's on probation. I don't even know what that means, to be honest. But i also told him he had to do something extra special to get me back. and i wasn't going to tell him what it is. So if somehow he actually manages to pull that off, i'll go back to him. Afterall, fate can only take you so far. I'd hate to lose out on a good thing just by not taking chances. Alos, i do feel kind of bad for J now tho. Even though i don't think he actually likes me for more than my ass, theres always a chance im also appealing as a person. I mean, he does text me everyday and i never start the convos lol. But i think i should probably top hooking up with him. Matt doesn't know yet and i really don't want him to. it's just unecessary. For me, there are absolutely no feelings involved in that one. But i suck at letting people down. Hopefully, eventually j will just get the hint or find a new whore? haha i hope so Oh i almost forgot, I'm going to my 1st concert may 31st! Its bedlight for blue eyes in wallingford! Omg im so excited. I only know a few of their songs, but danny, the lead singer is maddddd talented. plus he's super hott lol. ahh i hope all my friends can go too...it just wouldn't b anywhere near as crazy without them. Well thats it for now. Later! Serenity

i'm trying out this new thing where i just don'tcare at all not about anyone, not about anything i just let myself go i follow the paths they draw out for me long lines filled with nothing heres and not right nows but i'll keep on trudging telling myself every wasted day every second that i hate is one step cloeser to having my own happy when you get close to people they hurt you if you want things, if you hope, you almost always end up diappointed i'm so tired so freaking tired of being the girl crying over the ashes of everything she ever wanted i don't love him i don't i don't i don't this isn't about him it's about me, who i'm becoming changing, darkening into filling in the outlines J wants me so i'll succumb easily i can't stop this it would take everything i have and then there'll be nothing left to keep faking it with so today i'll go and be who he wants and maybe later matt will text me but probably not definitely not and he will not know what i have done because i think secretly it might kill him just a bit to see what kind of monster he has created because i needed a better defense i swear it won't hurt i swear i won't let it to him it will be carnal, all raging hormones and ego and I, I will just slip away feel his body heat searing my skin and pretend the scars that it leaves are simply invisible marking another girl 5000 miles away so please don't blame me for what i'm about to do in remaining fragile and pliant i am only protecting myself

ahhh this class is sooo long! I feel like i've been in here for hours math was mad long too so i stopped paying attention and wrote a song lol it's weird i didn't know what it was going to be about at first and then it ended up being about him huh atleast i feel like i'm over it ah the joys of pretending i wish i really could play the guitar i used to take lessons i don't know why i stoped i don't even remember if i made up a reason it was a long time ago that's good enough of an excuse i guess but anyway it would be nice music kind of is my life i spent basically the whole weekend looking up songs on this website hit that by the offspring is amazing so freaking catchy lol the rest of the cd is kind of lame, but that song makes up for it the rest of the weekend i basically watched tv woot what an exciting life i have there was a motion city soundtrack concert i wish i could have gone to, but im not allowed to go to concerts unless a parent brings me that is umm no thanks lol my friend linds randomly decided not to hate me yay? i guess idk, i don't really care she's kind of like whatever fun to party with, but that's about it nothing else worthwhile beneath the surface or atleast not that she's willing to let show... i'm thinkin i need some new guy friends like attractive ones lol i mean don't get my wrong i love C to death but... hooking up with him is kind of ew? sorry that sounded bitchy lol im really not that shallow welll maybe just a little bit... this random hottie wants to get with me i should be psyched but... im not rly feeling it he clearly just wants a one night stand and contrary to popular belief im rly not that hoish idk ill figure it out g2g tootles!

Tonight was fun. Had a jew bowling thing lol. Got to party it up wit my girl M. woot i love crazy freshman :) But anyway, that was a nice break i think. I hate nights when I have to stay home. It's like painful getting through a meal with my family. My parents talk only about things like mortages and tax payments. Like seriously. It's freaking ridiculous. BOR-ING. Grr i hope i'm never that lame when i'm an adult I tried really hard not to think about him today. It's soooo hard. he keeps popping up every thought i turn to. It would be infuriating but somehow i made it okay. Somehow, i just let myself stop caring so hard for a few minutes, just let the past year slide away. And then I was fine If I just pretend that everything that happened between us wasn't me, then i can handle it. It seems so close to rational its crazy. I might even be able to move on soon. God i'm doing that thinking too hard thing again. I'm gonna go to bed goodnight my dear, wherever you are

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? yeah, on top but i don't think i'd actually do it Does a kiss make you feel better? depends on the circumstance Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? haha no Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before What did you do today? school and t.v. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? um no. I didn't know people actually did that lol Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? haha i can barely keep up with one Have you ever thought about your death? from time to time... Ever been in love? in moments, sure. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field? depends. if the permanent is good than yea. If it's all suckish, then play the field. What is your favorite sport? gymnastics

i really hate this. hatethishatethishatethis. I've got so much homework left to do. I can't figure out how to solve a freaking logarithim. God, this is ridiculous. Why do I even care? The truth is, I don't. I know in the course of a lifetime, it won't matter at all. But I put on a good front, a happy face for the parents. And I try so hard to just work, to shut out everything.. But it keeps coming back. I'm so scared for the future. I don't know what;s goign to happen to me. I feel like a puppet on a string. i've lost all control, i need an escape. But everytime i swear I'll never go back, that I'll just give it up, we have one of those perfect moments. And then i swear all this shit, this waiting around never sure of what the deal is game, is something i can handle. But right now, when I'm losing so badly, it's fucking taking over my everything. There's no room left to care about Lord of the Flies or la cultura en espana. Just. This. He basically ignored me at school today. And yesterday he told me i was one of the best people in his life. I'm so confused. He loves me, he loves me not. All i want is a straight up answer. That's really not much to ask. God this is killing me. This unsureness, the helpless feeling. All of it slowly destroying every ounce of resistance the past few years have taught me to hold up. Why does he do this? I'm really starting to fear for my own sanity