woot woot meet today! gotta get ready in like 1/2 an hr. I should probs be doing homework but watever. i mean, it's saturday. come on. Most of my school is probably still sleepling. This is about as productive as you can expect em to get. And besides, I'm home alone anyways. woo party! except not lol. No one's coming to my meet. That makes me a little bummed out i guess. I mean, i have like 4 meets a yr. How hard is it to take off an afternoon to support me? Very hard apparently. In a way though, i guess it kind of takes the pressure off. If I screw up, i'll only be failing myself. No harm done there. This week's been kind of rough for me. Idk, it just went really slowly. Got in a big fight with mom on thursday night. My Bs in honors classes aren't good enough. I have to try harder. In the end, I just stayed in the car when she went inside. And suddenly, for the strangest reason, i needed to run away. Like Right. Now. So i actually did it. I opened the garage door and peaced out. i ran so fast for the 1st like 8th of a mile I had to walk within 3 minutes. But still, it felt so good for a bit. I always talk about making a change, about taking action. But for once i actually did something about it. I made it almost to the end of street before i turned around. I knew from the start i was going to go back anyway, It was cold and dark and scary. I had no choice. When i got back my mom was in the car about to look for me. But i was already home. They didn't even notice i was gone until it was too late. So after that we went back inside and argued some more till finally i gave up and told her i was sos sosososososo sorry and i was going to get good grades and be her dream child. then she gave me a hug and told me she loved me, to which i said nothing in return. And that's where we're at now. Ah this journal's going to be too long if i add anything else so i'll get off now. If your looking for good music download you only get what you give by the new radicals. Old school, i know, but good for reminicing. And if you want a good laugh in an inappropriate way, go for 3.14 by bloodhound gang. Sooooo great. Byee

So. I feel like I haven't posted in forever, even though it's only been a few days. I've been busy i guess. Tons of gymnastics. Stupid school shit. But really, those are only excuses. I hate how I feel I have to lie to myself. If i don't even believe me, how can I expect anyone else to? Anyway, today went predictably slowly. School is painful torture. We got progress reports. I have Bs in everything. I'm so fucking screwed. My mom is going to skin me alive. goodbye drivers ed. Ah watever. I'm so fucking sick of pretending to care. My english progress report pissed me off the most. i work so god damn hard in that class but my evil teacher still fucked me over. I got an 88 in participation which murdered my average. i deserve a freaking 150%. I know, I know life's not fair. But come on. SOME fairness should be expected. So yea after that i wasn't really in the mood to shoot my hand up overenthusiastically about shakespere. i wrote poetry instead. Good times I really don't know what to do about school. I feel like I'm at aw crossroads. On one hand, i could just all out suck up, listen get straight As. Really, it would be that easy. But at the same time, i feel like every right answer i give, i'm losing a piece of myself. I don't care about this useless shit. Why should i fake like i do? I can get Bs by doing the absolute minimum. To me, it makes no sense to do any better. However, my parents disagree. To them this is IMPORTANT. But they can't know how much i hate it. Otherwise I'd liek to think they wouldn't push so hard. I don't know what to do. Maybe i'll figure it out this afternoon. Cuz going back and forth like this is just so jading. Moving onto other life problems, my boyfriend thinks i'm a horrible person. I finally figured it out. He's staying with me just to see if i'll prove him wrong. And probably for ass. Go figure. But as for me, you'd think it makes sense to walk away then. Right? That's the logical thing to do. But for some sick reason, I really want to prove him wrong. Need to even. Because i'm not a bad person. I just fuck up sometimes. That's all. So yea, we'll see how long that lasts. My friends are all rooting for team break-up lol Hmmm, i should probs do some homework. Hahaha yesterday i had to do a personal add for a bacterium! Like hey im a sexy salmonella....No, seriously. Like 100% legit. And people wonder why i can't take school seriously. Well better get on that...later!

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal. wow. scary acurate description of me taken from some psychological online color test thing i found in itpaigesilly's journal. But yea that just about sums me up. just in case anyone cares, i really am that insane

Yess capts are over! Thank fucking god. That was sooooo boring. Anyway, i'm in a really good mood now. Get to chill on the net for like 15 mins till schools over which is sweet. And then tonight yo tengo planes con mis amigos! I finally get to see superbad! woot woot! haha wow im so lame, but sadly this is probably the most exciting part of my week. Pathetic, I know but i'm still lookin forward to it :) This weekend ive also got my interview at the creative writing school. That should be a breeze. Not gonna lie, my poems are kind of fucking amazing lol. I'd publish me at any rate. And then I've got some babysitting which means money so yay. and then maybe some drivers ed too which is somewhat suckish, but better than home i guess. so yea It's been like a 5 days since of heard from my bf. Idk, is it completely the wrong response to laugh at that? I do realize it's kind of insane how little i care about my life anymore. I think I've just gotten sick of it. Of freaking out and running around like crazy when somethings not going my way. It's like I've already been there, I'm not going back, you know? so now i just let things pass over me, as if my problems were something from a book or movie. There's nothing i can do so why bother. What ever happens happens. I'm certainly not strong enough to fight off fate

"little minds let little pains burn big old dreams to little flames" Yea, maybe. But what about dreams made only out of hot air and once upon a times. Do those count too? Cause honestly, i think dreams like that are so much harder to hang onto. I work so fucking hard. Like i try until I'm literally breaking. But it's still not enough. I'm not good, I never will be. I have to accept that. But if I do, whats the point in sticking with it? I love it, sure, but hey. Since when does love count for anything. Beloved people still die, love falls to pieces everyday. what is love but an illusion of temporary happiness really? And I'm in it alone. You know that saying about a tree in the woods? If it fell and no one was around to hear it, did it still make a sound? Well I know for sure the answer is no. It falls silent as a shadow, just as I've done a thousand times over. So basically, i'm in it for me. And I'm losing every battle, losing so much stamina. I'm not sure if I can make it . Dear god, please save me

Dear CAPT people, I am dedicating this journal to you to commend you on your stupidity. Really, I found it quite impressive that the people responsible for creating a test meant to show the academic potential of 10th graders don't know shit about kids. Basically, in this generation, we are incapable of sitting and just doing nothing. Therefore it is extremely unadvisable to give kids an hour to do 30 multiple choice questions and then forbid them from doing anything besides sit there and slowly die of boredom in the remaining 30 minutes. IT IS TORTURE! And really, will the world spontaneously implode if i quietly listen to my ipod? I mean, come on. I swear I don't have science documentaries saved on that thing. And even if i randomly did, I promise I don't care enough to go back and cheat. It pretty much comes down to if you're smart, its easy and you finish fast. If your dumb, you don't get it and give up. All those extra minutes are only so annoying kids can go back and check all their answers. Talk about unecesarry. Once is more than enough for me, thanks. So yea, hope this little diatribe was somewhat informative. Peace out

ahh so bored! I hate school x like 50000000. I know i mentioned that in a previous entry but it still holds so true. sorry for the repitition. So we just finished CAPT and now we've got like an hr left in prison. It is not even funny how hard i had to argue to even get this fucking computer. I mean come on. Everything's blocked awnyways. What horrors could possibly be unleashed by allowing me on the internet? i just don't get how playing games on my ipod is supposed to be more productive. Go figure. Also, I sadly have no friends in my Capt room which blows giant cock. I am currently trying to not overhear Shrek. Please just fucking shoot me :( Well other than the evils of school nothing exciting has happened to me today. I wrote a poem in english instead of listening so yay. Ummmm I got pretty far in vortex on my nano lmao. Sadly the dumb essay i just wrote about gambling counts only as a waste of time. I do enjoy however the fact i will most likely get a 100 for about a 50s worth of work. Go talent! I was thinking id rly like for him to talk to me today. Idk, our lack of communication is just starting to cross outside the realm of laughably ridicculous. It's kind of bordering on wtf is ur problem??? riddiculousness. So yea that'd be kind of great if he atleast texted me. Got gym today :) Maybe I'll get my uprise. And actually do some conditioning to work off my 50000000 calorie lunch lol. Plus i've got a mission to run 2 miles without stopping tomorrow so i should be all set. sweet deal. the song 155 +44 is really growing on me. Apparently it's called that cuz there's 155 beats per measure or line or something. How coolio is that?? So yea check it out. Um I think im out of random ramblings. Guess i'll stave off boredom by searching the blocked internet. Hopefully I can manage to leave here without an arrest warrent. Should be tricky, I know, but I think I might just be able to behave like the 12 year old I'm treated as. Ta ta for now

Yay! first day of CAPT down the drain. Just 4 more. woot woot. i don't think i could possibly think of a better waste of time not too much else happened today. i found out my friends went whoring without me :( so i was kind of sad. it sounded like so much fun! it makes me kind of mad that i have an ish bf and can't party it up almost naked in hot tubs and such with my girlies and random assholes. I mean, i think the point of high school is to get away with as much shit as humanly possible. that way when you're all old and boring you can still entertain ppl with your stories. And remember that you were once crazy and fun. But watever. If we break up ill just have to get in twice as much trouble to make up for lost time. Sounds like a satisfactory plan to me :) I've got drivers ed today (finally!0 and i think im gonna go running. I still suck but im gettin a little better. Hopefully i wont die for track season? I don't need to be amazing or anything, I just want to be decent. I think it would be really cool to be able to run so long that you stop feeling. Apparently that happens after like 5 miles. Unfortunately, i've never gotten farther than like 2. Oh well, maybe by the end of the summer or so. Well i think that's it for now. I have tv to watch. Peace out

So all in all, not such a bad weekend. I've had worse certainly. Can't really complain. I went to the Tyson cup in NYC on saturaday to watch the gymnastics meet. That was kind of amazing. These girls are absolutely fearless. Like double handspring layouts on beam. Thats about as close to flying as you can get. I bet other people watch like yeah that's pretty cool. But me, well I couldn't help it-i was absolutely drawn in. With every turn, i felt it, deep in my bones, the muscles stretching, the bounce off the floor. The awareness, the way you just get lost for those few seconds of groundlessness. And i wished so hard i was half that good, half that brave. Even that I could honestly say I was trying that hard. But I'm terrified of failure. So I can't muster up the courage to fight so hard and have it end in vain. I don't know if I could live with myself if all those hours, all that effort went to waste. When your in limbo, not giving it your all but not giving it nothing either, the feeling is neutral. But anything else your either crashing trhough bolders or on top of the world. Does that make any sense? After the meet, we just went to lunch and then back home. I went to sleep. I hate the anticlimatic endings to such a marvelous beginings. It just makes the entire story seem so much paler. And then today i did nothing. Just watched t.v. Downloaded some new music, read an entire book in one sitting. Which made me feel kind of strange. Like those two whole hours felt like 2 minutes. I just think if i could live my life with my nose in a book or a song in my head all the time, i wouldn't resent it all so much. I could deal, you know? its an escape from the monotony oh i almost forgot...he actually talked to me. well texted. but i'll give it to him. Not gonna lie, I'm kind of impressed. For once, i wasn't the first to back down. It's not like we had this whole deep discussion or anything, but i think for the time being atleast we're good. I'll pretend to forget about it because it's dumb to start a war i'd get no satisfaction out of winning. And he will forget about it because it takes less pride than appologizing. I think part of the reason we get along is because of the way we both expect less than perfect. Even though he sometimes fights the stupid things, ultimately we get back to okay.i don't think he holds it over my head. I don't think I love him, but that's alright. It's better actually. Because that means I could stand to lose him. if it came down to it, i am confident i could truly just let go.I'm tough like that. But for now, I'll just take it day by day. I'll work just as hard as he does. I'll call him only if he asks me to. I'm done chasing after a ghost of a good thing. I've finally accepted that as long as I've got my hopes, I can still keep smiling through. No matter what the outcome

ahh what a day. I hate school. Like so much. I can not even begin to describe what a waste of my life it is. If I didn't get to see my friends there I swear I would just like peace out. Legally, at 16 I can do that. I think that's kind of ironic, considering my mom treats me like I'm 12. In actuality I have the power to ruin my entire future. Crazy Anyway, i've recently discovered how amazing paramore is. Like omg I