haha glad i didn't bother studying that marketing final was sooooo easy took me less than an hr first one done woot go me lol so now ive got an hr to kill b4 english which is only to write one essay in the course of two hours i give me like 45 minutes to finish and then im outta here good bye sophmore year its been real its been fun but it hasn't been real fun if you know what i mean lol i guess i learned a lot tho made some incredible friends and now ive got an entire summer stretched out ahead of me ahh life is good really, right now, ive got absolutely nothing to complain about

4 down, 2 to go god i hate finals ugh they never end! in bio, i started feeling like borderline suicidal like an hour in i swear i just don't have that much of an attention span for something so pointless really, i'm thinking finals must be some form of cruel and unusual punishement freaking ridiculous! anywho, nothing new really to report sooooo psyched for summer procrastinating studying for marketing :(

Can we just end this already? I'm so sick of waiting It's just a few days lets press fastforward im not afraid of what might not happen only scared of just whight might these pages are empty theres so so many it hurts to watch i have somehow replaced my skin for glas. Did you know the body functions by negative feedback? As in, the way it controls shit, so you don't like go all comatose, is to wait until something's fucked up before all your little cells and neurons go to work? It only fixes whats broken and i can't help but wonder how often it happens that the army comes in far far too late I didn't sleep at all last night well, barely i listened to music all night long song after song after song breathing in the lyrics and lines along with the siluettes and shadows it tastes like vanilla syrup or a cover of absolutely by train you'd think it would be so good, so sweet but once you get beyond the first whiff its almost too late to admit you were wrong I'm going to do it again tonight, i think i've spent four fucking hours on studying and i'm about to do another i hope someone stops me i hope someone tells me to go to bed its so sad i need someone to confirm my choices so i know theyre not all mistakes

I think all this studying is slowly killing me I've spent hours and hours memorizing formulas and stastics about bacteria and the Articles of Confederation I wrote all the lines, like a good little girl, pretending the stab of the pencil didn't immediately make me think of the potential pain i could inflict with its point I let those words take me, words about nothing letting the lyrics i so painstakingly memorized all slip away i don't know if i can do this forever it hurts to much, i just surrender i want to sleep for 20 years and wake up when i don't hate this all so much i'm speaking in riddles, little rhymes the only explanation is im going so insane ive forgotten how to make any sense This is ridiculous. i don't careidontcareidontcare. Please someone tell me it gets better than this please, just let me see my future for five fucking seconds just so i'll know if its worth it and then go ahead and turn the freaking lights off again so i'm back to this empty blackness i sound so depressed so dark, but really im not this miserable i swear it i start writing... and this is just what happens i don't mean anything by it or maybe i do and just don't know it? It shouldn't be this complicated But that never means it isn't the truth is so rarely what i expect it to be

let's just not and say we did. How about that? I don't want to live through it, she's suddenly had an opiffiny. Fine whatever. Neutrality it is. You can keep all your bull shit to yourself. And ill just keep on going the way we were before. I don't know what to write about but its all im capable of this is my gift, my talent why are these letters getting so blurry i swear im not even thinking anymore its so disconnected I AM these words, these lines these lyrics they have completely taken me over Theres no one left inside this shell i give up, you win i am little miss america ill hold the tiara high pretend the image of its pieces on the floor aren't screaming my name i need to do this I fucking CHOSE this i get that last thing i need that single freedom i'm doing this for me not for them its only a protection only a sheild this way they'll never break me again never get inside and twist and turn through out my blood untill all the color starts to drain Pain? all gone i am no longer even here i don't deserve to feel anything at all dead, but not really just moving environments just because you can't see me doesn't mean i'm not there i'll be okay like this, i promise you can hold my hand if you want but all i can swear is i won't let go not that you won't end up changing your mind once you realize im not worth saving

I really can't study right now i was going to i swear i was willing to force myself but now now its changed its funny how just a few minutes can do that make you hate something so vhemently school is too redundant to even imagine right now i fucking need to write this its so unfair what they're doing to me... alll these backs turning so quickly i was your friend once how can you forget that? so why would you do this to me? im already hurting badly enough is there really any need to make that gash deeper? Do you really want that blood on your fucking designer clothes? It took me so long to get over what happened in october i felt so guilty, so slimy am i really that cold? i know i could say its not really my fault its all about chance, all about choices i could say i made the wrong ones too but that would be a lie in the end, i didn't choose at all it just happened okay? i didn't mean for anyone to get hurt i didn't imagine it would feel like anything at all just the usual little pieces floating away so gently but when i found out oh god im so so sorry hailey i sincerely wish i had known beforehand i wish i was entitled to details before i got involved but please, what ever you do, don't make me relive it thats so sosososososososososo unfair i really don't know if i could even stand it i already said i was sorry why can't anyone hear me screaming?

I hate her. I hate her i hate her i hate her. like please just do us all a favor and go fucking kill yourself. Because when you're that much of a bitch, you've really got absolutely nothing to offer anyone. God Problems out of nothing it takes a freaking miracel to be narrowminded enough to pull of some of the shit you do Believe it or not i am a person I do have friends who don't fucking suck so just lay off its my life okay? you don't have to tattle on me its none of your fucking business what the hell did i do to you besides reciprocate i already told you i never claimed im not a hypocrite thats no reason to go and fuck my life over you know what my parents would do to me right? like tie me up and chain me down and never let me go id b in freaking therapy for christsakes and you'd walk away faking the victim I swear to god i could KILL you ill b neutral if ull b neautral thats all there is to it you won't cooperate so why should i? do you really think i give a flying fuck if its "below me"? I'm just playing the game hun and I always win ALWAYS

I've got all the time in the world eons and eons stretched like a tunnel ahead of me all my futures combined into maybes nothing at all for definite sure So so much time left don't know how i can occupy it all really i'm not that greedy not that selfish, not breathing that high in the clouds I dont need that much here, take some im giving it all away for free for every infant that dies at birth I have to wonder why? theres so many people who purposely sacrifice what life theyve been given every freaking 43 seconds and it just makes me so angry how can you just run out of hope so completely? and im so so scared that it might happen to me i dont want to meet my end yet i dont even know my begining anywhere near well enough to judge the rest of the story

Alright I LOVE forever the sickest kids. They r awesome! My friend S burnt me their CD and it is AMAZING. ahhh can't get enough wow today went by fast. i feel like i just woke up for school a few minutes ago. That was pretty easy. Its like lecture, lecture, lecture. And i just sit there and write stories in my head about girls that don't actually exist. i always wonder if anyone could tell if they were to look closely enough. I owe a math hw from over the weekend that i blew off and i should prob go do my spanish or start studying for finals. Finals. E to the EWWWWWW. Studying makes me suicidal. It's like you spend all these hours and hours and then u take this two hour test...and after u just throw all ur notes in the garbage. Cuz now they're completely useless. It makes me laugh every time i do it. School is just such a waste of my time. Oh well, summer in a week and a half. Woot! I've got a ton of gymnastics and work to do, but other than that no real definite plans. Lots of free time to get shit done. Maybe hang with Matt if he decides he still loves me wen schools over? haha good times last summer. Mad FUCKING good times. Today he got all pissy at H for kidding around with him. Ugh he's one of those ppl that just takes offense to everything. Just so unecesary. I just kind of luaghed off and told him maybe one day i'd make a friend he didn't despise. Then i sort of left him to his thought. God, I'm getting so good at losing those feelings Maybe i'll get wit J again over summer. That'd b fun, he's pretty hot. And it IS summer. Why not? Sounds like a pretty good mindset to me. Nothing else is new really, got suprise b-day party invite for this kid im not at all friedns wit. Might go see hulk next weekend. Since my mom won't fucking let me go to see DAVE! grrrr so obnoxsh;. Not that i like LOVE dave or anything, but i think itd b fun anyway. i kind of just love the concert atmosphere in general, like closing my eyes and breathing the music. It makes me happy :) I really do hope i cna go to warped tour and bedlight wit S and H. It rocks that i hav sick friends

Everyones always yelling in our house i don't know why, i can't stop it I'm powerless and it swallows me whole I try not to let it hurt, but it does it feels like pinpricks, only bleeding when i squeeze only when i step back and let it I do what they ask for, but its never enough i fold their laundry i get the grades but no no no no no i do it wrong i have to do it on their terms as well i don't think they can understand that im not like i used to be that so much has changed between now and when i was in middle school things that if i told them, my mom would probably cry and my dad wouldn't even be able to look at me again i bet that would stop them from caring about when i do my homework oh the irony is killing me "We could escape and skate away from all of this, but no one ever does" sometimes the easist things take the most strength to face up to If i play by their rules, i lose myself i don't want to be a shadow again i love my music, my writing, these lyrics its the first time in forever i remembered i am, capable of caring about SOMETHING. Can they really not see how a big a deal that is for me? It hurts so much, how lost and empty i feel these choices...they're drowning me i am my own worst enemy I'm damned either way theres no winning this game i guess i should be glad its only two more years, but im scared what if, when i finally get to leave this shit hole town, i can't remember how to breathe? What if im stuck in this rut of pleasing everyone else forever and ever? I don't know i dont know its too much to think about these words are starting to turn on me again i think i better stop before i start to scream someone save me? serenity