at some point i think you really... just have to STOP thinking about what you feel and START realizing what you deserve don't be reckless with other people's hearts it's unfair, it's unkind and you'll only hurt yourself in the end but by that same token don't put up with people who are reckless with yours or else you just give them permission to hurt you i really think i loves me in fact, i know it but i also know that he could pretend to stop at any point and time and that somedays i'll wake up on top of the world and others i'll wish i was anyone but me so you question is it worth it? I'll let you know when i figure out the answer

off to a decent start so far. Marketing is the best class ever. I just got back a test i got 95% on without studying. Soooo great. And now i get to just chill on the net for the rest f class. Wahoo! All my friends are being so sweet to me. They keep telling me I'm a good enough person already and that I have nothing to prove to him. I know they have a point, I don't have to like do a total turnabout or anything, but I'm still going to try. It's not just for him anymore. I think I owe it to myself to see just what I'm worth Apparently he and H talked last night on AIM. I thought that was kind of weird. He never goes online. Maybe he wanted to talk to me?Hmmm. But anyway, she said she asked me y he broke up with me over the phone with his friends like that. He told her it was only because he just needed to do it right then. Like he couldn't stand to wait till tomorrow. That makes sense I guess. i know what it's like to have uncontrollable urges. There's times where I just need to write or hear a song or call a friend...I can sort of put myself in his shoes on that one. But also said the reason we broke up was because we're too different. I'm not following that logic all too well. I mean, obviously theres the differences on the surface. But doesn't he feel how explosive it is when we're together? Doesn't he get that same sense of flying, of anything happening, of champagne super novas that i do? I'm not sure, and that scares me. I don't want to be the only crazy one. I think maybe he just told H that because of the way i act when i'm with her. How i sort of switch into best friend mode instead of actual person. Although he certainly has his flaws, he is true to himself at all times. Always stubborn, always unflinching, brutally honest. I do give him props for that. I'm still trying to figure out who the real me is. But once i get there, i think he'll see that we're really good together. That I am capable of being genuine all the time, not just with him. And then maybe he'll fight less. Once he sees how much I've done for us. And then we'll live happily ever after oh god. even i'm not that naive

Ah weekends over. Bummer. I rather dislike school :( oh well, I guess if I'm being optimistic only 5 more days till the next one. Maybe J and I can go guy shopping at 6 flags now that i'm fucking single he texted me tonight. asked how i was doing. it's sweet that he cares. But it made me feel like crying again. i almost wish he'd just stay away if everything he says just makes me miss him more. It;s crazy though. i've been reading my old journal entries. I complain about how he treats me in every single one, just about. And looking back on it, I know it's true. he was never my knight in shining over. But i think, over time, i sort of learned to expect that. Like the few times we were together and everything was perfect made all the total shit worth it. Love's a funny thing. When it's not drowning me that is... I'm really working on being a better person. I made it through today without saying a single mean thing to or about anyone. I know, that sounds lame, but it's an accomplishment for me. A stepping stone. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to the rebeccas. As in like all 10 of them. Scary. I keep hearing from other people that they won't stop talking shit about me. And even tho i hav no respect for them whatsoever, it still kind of bums me out that they're that judgemental. Thay'll probably just laugh at me when i go over to talk, but watever. I can take it. I think I'll feel better about myself if i give ti a good college try. And maybe he'll be a little proud of me too.... umm what else? I bought some new cds. One was something corporate, leaving through the window. OMG soooo good. Andrew mc is my hero. to everyone hu hasn't heard SoCo music, you r missing out. It's like the perfect genre for everyone. It doesn't matter if all you listen to is death metal or ghetto rap. Like seriously, there isn't anyone out there who can listen to that album and come away with nothing. Alright I'm outtie. We'll see how 2morrow goes

I'm on fire And the day is feeling hopeless You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless Soon I won't feel at all No Jesus christ. They never ever warn you it will hurt this bad. You can imagine it a thousand times over, do trial runs in your head, but still. It's not enough. I thought I'd be so strong but instead...I just disappeared. He believed me when I said I'd be okay. How come he always seems to catch me lying when i don't need him to? Just this once, couldn't he hav understood what i was about to do It's electric The neon heard inside your phone call The layered sadness and the madness it revolves Bringing down the walls where you found her No A phone call. Lots of static, background noise. Is that really all I'm worth, 7 minutes and 6 seconds of heartbreak and hell. Crush everything I thought i had. Break down everything so there's nothing left Well, I'm willing to break myself To shake this hell from everything I touch I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays So you don't hurt so much I know I fuck up too much. I know I'm not perfect. But god, I'm trying so fucking hard here. I'm willing to go that extra mile, to tear myself inside out, to fix this. It just kills me when you get like this, so disappointed. I'm so so sorry. But for you I'd bleed myself dry. You know that right? And now I'm static As your sky is turning purple and gray I'm learning that the further that I crawl The farther that I fall, is that ok? No Once you go, I just fall to nothing. I listen to this song, cry along to the melody. Where do I go from here? I've gotten so hurt by getting close to people. But I need a friend right now, any human contact. I look through the phone book but the only one i want to talk to is you. God, I just keep falling harder and faster. And you're in pieces As your world becomes a rainstorm You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away If you survive the day You say you're leaving I'm imagining again, when you'll realize that you miss me. Maybe someday it will tear you up inside, you'll see you're not the only victim. I know you were only trying to help, but sometimes...sometimes you were downright cruel. No one makes me cry like you do. And i think someday, once you learn how to love the people beneath all the flaws, you'll cry for me to. But knowing you, that will just scare you away even more You say you're leaving Well, I'm willing to break myself To shake this hell from everything I touch I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays So you don't hurt so much So you don't hurt so much Never again will we fire this gun No never again you're the only one No never again but you're already gone. Last time, I promised myself that this one would be the end. I should hate you, but i don't. Because even though I know I should be thinking of all those unkind words you said and how you just brush me off, all i seem to remember is how safe i feel when you hold me in your arms and tell me everythings okay. I know I'll never fall in love again, because it would remind me of you. And as they said, you're already gone. No use wishing for a dream I can't have I'm willing to break myself I'm not afraid I'm willing to break myself I'm not afraid I'm willing to break myself I'm not afraid I'm not afraid. I am strong. Much stronger than you give me credit for. Afterall, I did let you end it. I didn't beg. I wasn't angry. I said goodnight. If I can be that poised and perfect saying goodbye, i think I can take on anything. Well, I'm willing to break myself To shake this hell from everything I touch I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays So you don't hurt so much So much So much So much So much So much hurt, So much emotion. So much time. So much loss. So much experience. But most of all the word I come away with is fate. So much fate that played into this, brought us to where we are right now. If I could change it I would. But I can't do that. So I'm working on the future. And please, just please believe that I'm trying, As long as I have that gratification, I promise I'll be okay

it's nice to take a break sometimes. I just came home from school and watched 3 straight hours of t.v. ahhhhhhhhh. so relaxing. I know i hav homework and stuff, but i just needed that. an afternoon of blissful nothing to help clear my head. he texted me this afternoon to come over after school. Suprising, considering you're a bitch lecture part two took place during lunch today. huh, go figure. I hate when he gets all silent and moody like that. it's just so awkward. And then i just have to sit there and stare at my shoes. Cuz anything i do or say will be the wrong move. It was the weirdest thing though...while he was being all disappointed and pisssed off i really just wanted to have him hold me. Like my mind is screaming i hate you, but i keep leaning in closer and closer. I think its that somewhere in my mind i figured if he was holding my hand while he shot me down i could take it. If he was rubbing my knee, i could genuinely believe he cared. "You're giving me no credit" i told him. "Aren't you listening? I already told you you're the coolest person ever when I'm with you. You kust change in front of your friends" I don't change. Atleast not that much. Not worth getting all worked up over. I hate letting everyone down. Can't they all see how hard I'm trying? I want to trun over a new leaf. Like so bad. I want to be the girl everyones's watching. Not with envy, not with awe, just with respect. Because I know i can do anything i put my mind to. And i will make him truly love me. Absolutely flawless. And i know it sounds crazy because i swear i don't love him, and i'm almost positive he's not the one, but his approval would mean the world. Possibly, because I know his is the hardest to get. It's a gratifaction of sorts. My reward for sticking with it this persistantly I need to go write. Maybe someday?

Until today,i swear i've never cried over him Never been one of THOSE girls sobbing into the pillow like boo-hoo poor me i'm not an exhibitionist either i don't freak out in the lunch room or go sob in guidance usually, i pride myself on keeping all emotions in check usually, i'm the one who's got it all under control It's not that I'm unfeeling, I do get hurt I'm just good at perspective, you know? I can rationalize, rise above the little pains life's what you make it no one should take themselves so seriously i'm always willing to just let things go... but he finally got my breaking point he was so nice for that long and i always had that lingering suspicion that it would happen soon enough just not like this i guess what he said, it really hurt a good 35 minutes of supposed tough love "I feel like all i do is dissappoint you" "well yeah, pretty much" ouch i mean i obviously know i shouldn't gossip that its not nice to glare at other girls but come on give me some credit I am a girl and considering that, i'm one of the least bitchy people i know Honest But guess that's not good enough, huh? I should stand up for myself defend everyone else but wait a minute wouldn't that just make me the victim? JUST LIKE NOW He swears it's for my own good but sometimes... i get this creeping suspicion... he doesd it just because he can i hate being hated he knows me well enough to hav figured that out and maybe when he just goes off on me like that it makes him feel that much stronger to know he has broken me down god, i felt like shit after i wnated to just cry, like body-shaking hard when the people who swear they love you turn agaisnt you like that worst feeling in the world i called my best friend H up tho I love her so much she is my fucking life line it's so nice to know atleast someone cares But as for the bf... i should probably end it it's bordering on abusive, these mind games he plays its just so unfair i'm drowning in it but at the same time... maybe he's also doing the best he can maybe by taking one for the team i'm helping him out Because i do think someday he'll relaize how crap he treated me and learn from his mistakes 'Cuz very few girls would put up with shit the way i do and although i've trained myself not to love him, it doesn't mean i don't care though i may sometimes hate him, i wouldn't want him to end up lonely i wouldn't wish that on anyone really i just really hope he figures it out soon and that i have the stregnth to not get my heart broken in the process...

God this is sooo annoying she's still fucking pissed over NOTHING what. the. hell and she keeps trash talking me to all my other friends which is just dumb because i obviously hear it all grrrr i'm trying so freaking hard to be nice but i don't know how much longer i can hold my head up and be the bigger person whatever go hang wit ur cool friends the ones with the booze and asshole boyfriends hu get drunk out of their minds every weekend just to prove how freaking awesome they are yea hav fun with that see, i pride myself on having friends i actually LIKE ugghhhhhh but what really upsets me is that she's treating all my other friends like shit too she thinks she's better, hotter, smarter we're just her little toys well use me as you will babe i'm stronger than i look i hope S is okay i think linds told on her to guidance and now her life is kind of fucked i mean hu does that? rats someone out just for kicks? like mad not cool it's amazing how low some people will go in other news, my bf is being nice. Like really nice. im kinda freaked lol. it's been like over a week. he calls and everything. let me bring my friends over his place yesterday....weird. idk, i feel like im just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, i can still tell he's sort of using me for sex and whatnot but usually he just does that and ignores me otherwise. Now he's all like oh i love you soooooo much. what is up with that? Hopefully i won't find out too soon... Speaking of soon, prom is at the end of the month! I'm kind of psyched to wear my dress! It's gold with all these pretty sparkle patterns. toatally me-ish.Yay! On the downside, though, my friend S got uninvited to prom last night. grrrr i hate boys. That's so dick. but watevsies, she can always get a substiute date. My bf's got plently of loser friends who don't talk to girls unless forced loollllll. And H's date is still game as of today so that should b sweet. I hope everything works out in the end..

I really can't deal with irrational people like not at all when girls are bitching at me for things i didn't do or for things that don't affect them i'm never sure how to respond my best friend thinks i told everyone why she's grounded i didn't i told one fucking person her asshole bf told everyone else and then blamed it on me but because she's blind to the fact that the hand she hold is the hand that holds her down she believes that fucking dousche over me her best friend her SOBER best friend i think i remember wat happened linds i'm not the one who was drunkenly trying to rape other people god i don't know what to tell her i guess i'll just have to hope she'll come around? ihatethis the thing though is that last year this would have really upset me i mean like REALLY completely fucked up my chi or watever but now i'm like eh it sucks that she's pissed and that she's being a retarded bitch but i'm no0t going to grovel on my knees being sad and desperate for "forgiveness" isn't going to help the situation and in a way, i kind of have to be proud of myself for realizing that i've come a long way i just wish i'd get some credit for it every once in a while, you know? In other news, my bf and i are on decent terms he finally asked me to prom so yay! that should be super fun i'm kind of pumped and he was being really sweet to me at this party we went to so that was kind of refreshing it didn't last of course, but still it reminded me again why i'm still with him i guess and atleast he's being semi-nice now he didn't call or text me or anything yesterday but he did let me hang with him while he did some homework and come over and talk to me and my friends when i escaped from history into open so i'll take what i can get "I don't need boxes wrapped in string, or designer love or empty things"-goo goo dolls. love that line Speaking of empty things, i helped out at a homeless shelter this weekend. Jew thing. But idk, it was nice. we did some arts and crafts with the people. There was a little girl there with her mom who was really cute. I don' t think she spoke english much but we still tried to help her out. I hope she had fun. I wonder if she'll even remember the whole experience when she's older? There were also a few girls like my age who were there. I couldn't help but think about how hard that would be. Like having no money to buy even food, let alone cool designer clothes.Having to go to school and come home to a cold building filled with despair. That would hurt alot. Don't know if i could do it. But i did feel like a good person helping out. It's eye opening. Sometimes i almost forget how lucky i am. ummmm what else? Oh i have another party this weekend! it's at the same kids house as last time. My bf can't go, but it should still be fun. My girlie S is def going. we're on a mission to find her a prom date lol. she's so awesome. i love her

So i'm kind of hating people right now. Like a lot. And now i'm going to vent so sorry if this is boring and no one cares. Well let's see how my day went. First one girl told me she can't be my friend because this psycho bitch named rebecca #1 decided that she isn't allowed. Because i'll infect her with my whroe germs and she'll spread it around to all the "cool girls" or something. well that pissed me off a bit because that's the lamest thing i've ever heard. I mean, don't any of these girls have minds of their own? I swear i could fucking kill rebecca. I hate people who are just bitchy for the sake of it. So yea i go about my day and my best friend linds starts acting all pissy but it's not that weird cuz she';s always in a mood. I mean, like fucking bipolar. And its obnoxious as hell, but i'm a nice person so i deal with it. But finally i ask my friend H wat linds's deal is and apparently she's pissed at me cuz she thinks i acted stupid at a party i went to that she wasnt at. So she decides she's officially mad at me but doesn't tell me to my face so i'm like fine. And then she acts fake nice to me for the rest of the day so she can use me for my phone and what not. But wait it gets even better! so then we're at lunch and this girl, rebecca #2, bff and ruler of rebecca #1 decides she wants to "talk". Well pretty much rebecca #2 has just been a complete bitch to me all year, like callling me a ho and making all her lame friends hate me and now suddenly i'm supposed to give a fuck about what she has to say? So i was just like no i don't wnat to talk so all her friends bitch glare at me and i'm just like aweesomeeee. And then i get home and linds wrote on my fb wall like wow ur so lame and pathetic and your bf uses you which was so uncalled for. But then i thought id try to be fucking nice and sent her this sweet message like i'm sry your pissed but i'm your friend and i don't deserve to be treated like this. And she just writes back i don't care about ur problems which was the opposite of the point. I KNOW you don't care linds. I get that. you're a shitty friend. but somehwo i put up with you anyway.... God i really can;t stand stupid people. I want them all to just disappear. Like die, move away, whatever, just stay out of my life. Because i would never get mad at half the shit they call me out for. It takes quite a bit to set me off. But everyone just keeps pushing and pushing. It's so hard not to feel like i've got it all wrong when i keep getting yelled at. I can't deal with these bitches. i don't know what to do. i hope someday we can all just forget this ever happened.

These tears feel so so heavy they're erasing me every strength every weakness erroding piece by piece until there's nothing left I know i'm disappearing i want to stop it so bad but this fighting it's taking everything that i have there's nothing left for me anymore i'm nobody's angel everyone treats me like shit my mom expects too much my sister thinks she's better my dad thinks he's in control my boyfriend uses me my best friend doesn't give a fuck and everyone else who doesn't even matter clearly have formed their own opinions I'm so sick of this shit i feel like running away but i've got absolutely nowhere in the world to run to that's the saddest part of all I don't want to be here but i can't think of anyplace else i'd rather be except for heaven maybe i bet she's there waiting for me Only problem is there's no turning back from that i'm not stupid i don't want to kill myself i don't think "revenge" like that would make me happy Plus when I'm older I actually do picture myself having a life with two little girls with crazy names in a random middle of nowhere southern neighborhood where it's summer all the time and you can leave without locking the doors but that's a long way off and it's only a possibility i'm so afraid