I'm just dreaming of a someday I'm just riding on by I'm just searching for that freeway to lead me to the rest of my life top ten things to do before I die list: 1.thru hike the appalacian trails 2.publish a novel 3.learn how not to hate people 4.sky diving 5.stay awake for 24 consecutive hours 6.fall asleep in someone's arms 7.share my notebook 8.appoligize for everything 9.fix it for my kids 10.die completely content, with no regrets

sometimes it seems too unreal theres cyclones swirling dreams unfurling intensity too intense and it lifts me off my feet so im hovering midway fall or fly dream or die which path to choose? both are flawed, for pain is almost inevitable those little shards of transparent glass trapped under the skin but i have learned to carry such seemingly unremarkable wounds with a pride and dignity, far more becoming than my 16 years

New Years Day oh what to say? I should be happy it's a new start and I sure could use a fresh clean slate but at the same time I can't help but feel in a nagging sense, at the back of my neck am i just wasting my time? I mean, did I accomplish anything this year I'm truely proud of? or would I give it all up if given the chance? Is it worth it, even, questioning an imposibility? or is impossible only what you make it? it would have been her birthday, but she is long dead and gone no one says it outloud I wonder if I am the only one who even has the strength to remember it seems giving up on people is the easy way out but I'd rather die broken than in ignorant bliss i know he too cries all alone on this night I hope he wishes on the first star 1500 miles away do it for me do it for both of us this year i will... this time's different because... I have so many questions and so few answers please just this once let that work in my favor I resolve to be broken just to back down let the cruel words just flow around me you can't penatrate my skin Hold on to the lyrics hold on to them dear because in the end it's all I've got here

its so crazy when you take a step back and stop gleaning for differnces you see how alike we all really are read through the journals not just with your eyes let yourself feel hold nothing back you'll see it i swear the meaning, it's there we all bleed the same blood cry the same tears we are all human what is there to differnentiate? it is only reasons our personal demons most of which we hide behind but once you strip those away reveal true intentions there is only mortal pain and failings to be accounted for

another easy day school is such a waste of time thank god im natuarally good at it i dont think i could ever be one of those stupid kids who has to study for 9 hrs just to get a B honestly, i just couldnt force myself to care so much about something so useless anyway, I'm amazing at english we had a class discussion today so great you don't even have to pay attention you just raise your hand every few seconds and say whatever comes to mind and somehow my ideas just always seem to make sense I analyzed "landed" while i waited powerful song i wish i could play the piano that well atleast i can enjoy listening :) DOWNLOAD IT! Landed, ben folds five

Things are finally going my way best day ive had in a long time first late opening, got to sleep in get to school only to find i've been replaced i am no longer THAT GIRL of the week people get bored, find new things to talk about everything's gonna be okay he said I know, I trust you and now thanks to him my little scandal is no longer the talk of the town why is it he's so much better at planning my life than i am? oh well I'm just glad he's back i think he knows i need him but that's okay like i said, i trust him he would never let them break my heart i love sitting with him chatting we can talk about anything and with us it just clicks i know, it sounds corny like some dumb chick flick but trust me, im not like that i NEVER fall for people not even a little I HATE people like that but he's different he's worth going just a little bit crazy for oh shit, i totally love him at least i know he loves me too

i first saw this survey on rosesatsunset's journal, but then i saw katievanish also had it and i got to thinking...how cool would it be if like everyone at songmeanings did it in their journal??? so i'll do it in mine, it's a pretty cool survey. The questions are actually things that matter...not like how far you've gone. Because frankly no one cares about that kind of thing. Otherwise we'd be talking to strangers on myspace instead of reading journals:) haha well add it if you want! Here goes... 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? Definitely me telling them. They say that eyes are the windows into the soul. I think that's true if you're looking hard enough. But my eyes are the deepest shade of nearly black. No one can see inside unless i let them. But when I'm telling someone how I feel, that's the scariest thing in the world. Because all you can really do is pray to god they understand. They're the ones in control. 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry? When he read my poem and didn't get it. I took a risk. I waited for him to catch me. But instead I came crashing down. And then when he said those things to her...no matter how mad he was, completely unacceptable. That hurt ME. I love them both. I hate when people just let you down and then walk away. 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make one phone call.. who do you phone? My grandpa. He deserve to hear the words I love you one last time the most. 4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? No, not unless they ask what's wrong. I only let people in who care enough to deserve it. I won't go throwing myself away. b) What do you do with your remaining days? Live, love, laugh, learn. Appoligize. Tell people I love them and hope to be loved in return. Make sure I leave with no regrets. c) Would you be afraid? Yes. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't also be brave. 5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Which do you choose? Trust, because it's the hardest component of love to manufacture. Once you have absolute trust with a person, the rest comes naturally. 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you save the dog? That's one of those questions where I'd like to say yes, but when push comes to shove...am I really that good of a person? 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say? It depends how I felt towards them. But I would be honest. Because as my best friend I'd owe them that. Even if I broke their heart, I'd still be there to fix it. I don't understand how anyone could walk away from love completely, since it's so hard to find in the first place. 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? Yes. Because when I'm being true to myself, I like who I am. I might not be perfect, but I'm good enough for me. I could use someone to keep me on track and to help me hold my own. 11. Does love = sex? I'm not sure...my ex-bf and I had sex really soon after we started dating. He says now he regrets it, but I'm not sure if I do. I mean, I actually love him. I know that now. My first time, if I isolate it from everything else, was absolutely perfect. However, it did cause our relationship to turn really physical. But even so, we still came out okay. 12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to quit? If I didn't love the job, absolutely. if you don't love what you do, you're not making a living. You're only making an earning. i want to grow up and have more than money to look forward to. 13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Friday night. Best I've ever felt in a long time. i guess it pays to trust yourself. But I'm glad he gave me that chance. 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back? I'm not sure...I wouldn't say the first unless I was pretty sure they felt the same way because I wouldn't want to put them in a n awkward position. So i guess the second one. No one likes breaking hearts. 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Music. I live for lyrics, having songs stuck in my head. Everyone's always telling me to stop singing but I never will. it's what keeps me sane. 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you? My friend...she's a good girl but she's getting a little lost. I need to make sure she knows she can trust me if she feels like talking. 18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? My ex-boyfriend. I'd need some love. 19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Again, I'd like to say yes, but quite sure if I've got it in me... 21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? We'd all fall together. I couldn't live knowing that I let either die. 22. Are you old fashioned? Not really. Sometimes change has it's upside. 23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? The last frantic boyfriend related phone call with my best friend. She talks in circles while I calm her down. It's just what we do. I'd give anything for her, but I've come to face she wouldn't do it for me. She's too caught up in her own messed up world. 24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? Broken heart. It's like the song I hope you dance. "loving might be a mistake but it's worth making". You need to get hurt knowing how good it feels when it's all going right or else you'll just die wondering. 25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I'd wish to be me. No strings no attatchments. No pretensions or inhabitions. But I don't need a wish for that. Someday I'll be strong enough to do it on my own

Today, today oh what to say? nothing unusual strange or exciting I went to school and came home and then did more nothing I'm searching so hard for meaning Are these days just a waste if nothing I'm filling them with seems at all real? Thank god for this site and for not allwoing them to break me I accredit you my strength I keep thinking of him he finds his way in between every line every song i over analyze but perhaps that's because there's more space than actual words why do come here? he asked me I'm searching for answers it's cool to hear everyone out but then they ruin it for you a song means whatever you think it does not anyone else but its not like anyones forcing, I replied you can pick and choose ideas as you please and finally he was silent I wonder what he thinks of when he listens to Dave does he think of me, the way I do him? practically strangled with memories with each new note or is that just me a good musician has been ruined for? I want him to see this see the stories they tell but I know he's too stuborn and I know even if I could get him to look he wouldn't let it phase him he's too strongly weak to let himself bleed I let him read my story he's the only one in the world who knew he never read more than the first pages i should have asked him why I'd like to pretend it was just too painful to see me naked in every line not that he didn't care he told me I was like both my characters Mary, so brave and defiant Teresa, so meak and broken Somehow it is those words that I hold onto when I'm grasping for breath I still love him but I'm not sure that's a safe thing to do I'm also not sure it even matters at all to anyone but me

oh my god this can't be happening have some mercy, dear god I'm only 16 I've got a whole life ahead of me to screw up again please don't make me pay this time I try so hard not to care what they think to let their words wash over me like a smooth oil rain i take bullets to the heart and head but though i won't let on i still feel the pain tomorrow's gonna be harder maybe even harder than the last time I cried I didn't think anything could hurt worse than watching your best friend die its like in movies where they say atleast it can't get worse and then it does but i was so sure it wasn't possible to have to watch her fall to pieces while simultaneously collecting my own i am trying so hard not to break why is that never enough?

one of those weekends lame lame lame sit at the computer all day breathing in music its so close to happy I can barely recognize it My friends threw me a party sweet 16 suprise! that was fun i guess but when im with them i just switch a different slant of the shadows and i am someone else someone who is so different then me at least its good practice for faking should I ever need it the rumors are spreading they found out about J.D. and I in his car deny deny spread the lies I feel bad for his gf but its not like i wanted it I just got.... dragged along? ah watever this too shall pass people will find new blood to hunt they always do I keep thinking about Him I don't know what to do I guess only time will tell until then I'll just keep my heart open and hope for the best